Why You're Growing & Your Friends Aren't #233

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If you’re new to my page my name’s Corey Boutwell. I’m the founder and CEO of men’s personal development company Set The Standard. I’m a professional bodybuilder, I have coached over 300 men to their full potential and created a multi six figure business in just 3 years. This podcast is where I share EVERYTHING I learn along the way.

You can follow me here, https://www.instagram.com/coreyboutwell/ for daily updates and more content

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

The reason that I'm staying mediocre and the reason I'm not taking advantage of this business, the reason I'm not investing in this business, the reason I'm not scaling up and growing and wanting to grow with my families, is that. Welcome back to another Corey Boutwell podcast today, guys, and we are speaking on an extremely important topic which is close to my heart, and that is what to do when friends ghost you. So I know we all experienced that moment. When we're on the level up right, we start growing. We've got this new idea, we might have this new business, this new relationship or something's happening. We're feeling excited. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to do this thing. And then our friends say stuff like you've changed, or money isn't, or you're too busy for us now, or what if that doesn't work out? Or why would you want to do that? Or don't get too ahead of yourself. And you're thinking to yourself like what the hell? I'm just trying to be me, I'm trying to go out here and do this extraordinary thing, and the next minute you feel like shut down and it's like what the hell is going on on. And it's not just from friends, it's from family members, co-workers and other people.

Speaker 1: 1:06

I remember when working in a government organization, in organizational development, and just having that experience of just like mentioning my goals and my dreams to people and them just being like, oh yeah, just like seeing their eyes roll, just be like. That is tool poppy syndrome at its finest. Fuck you, watch me grow Like. Watch me grow A bit different when it's from a peer, from someone who you do not respect because you're like I do not want to end up 60 years old sitting in a cubicle just like you, working at the same organization for 35 years. Sorry, sorry, I throw up in my mouth, but it's different when it comes from people that you care and you love and people whose opinion that you respect. And for me, it got me curious thinking about this, because most of the time it comes from from some sort of fear of rejection or some fear of I will not be able to connect close to you because I love you and now, because we're distancing, there's going to be a disconnect and all the experiences that we've had, I have an attachment to, for some reason, go straight out the window. So, essentially, if you do not work on this, it keeps you so limited. There's people that I see who do not create businesses who do not go and approach the partner that they want to talk to. They don't go on the holiday. They don't do this next thing because fear of judgment from someone else, which is literally just comes from a judgment of themselves, and I'm so sick of seeing this Like. I'm so sick of it I talk to. Obviously I run, set the standard community, personal development community for men. Get them to the next level, baby. But I see it every single week. There is someone that asks a question like what do I do when I'm growing? And my friends aren't, because they're keeping me mediocre, yuck, right. So let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Essentially, if you don't work on this, what's going to happen? You're going to feel lonely as hell. You doubt yourself, you don't take risks. You'll end up, just like your friends or your family, bitter that you could have been more. So then you start to doubt others because you don't want to feel the yucky emotion of jealous, and I think it's better to feel jealous and own your jealousy to someone rather than feel gross that you didn't take action on something that you know you must do. I don't know which one makes you sick. There's going to be a lot of throw up noises in this podcast. Guys, sorry, you're not going to be as successful if these things happen. You can be a dick to your partner who will leave you. It is you fail in a business endeavor or you'll never see the world, or you'll never live up to your full potential. How gross is that? Never living up to your full potential? Yuck, because we all know that we have so much in the tank and so much more to give.

Speaker 1: 3:42

And relationships have this hierarchy that I teach and set the standard. And relationships I think it's like the fourth or the fifth up the hierarchy in terms of most important priorities to focus on. First thing is get an optimal mental shape, optimal mindset, optimal physical condition, because they're linked. You best believe anyone who has like big muscles, ripped body, they're dedicated, they're training hard and they've got a strong grit and disciplined mindset feel better than someone who doesn't. It's just like it's just psychology right. This is so obvious that that happens. But anyway, you work up the hierarchy and you get to relationships and I believe that relationships is the most important because that is the thing that turns the tide from. You know scarcity and trying to do things by yourself and you know hustling really hard with no results and being busy and unproductive, and it's what makes you super productive, it's what makes you money, it's what makes you fulfilled, it's what makes you know, bring your life meaning right Is relationships with whoever it may be.

Speaker 1: 4:41

And if your relationships that surround you pull you down or confirm your own mediocrity to yourself, or try to try to bring you down to live at their mediocre level, then you know, are they really your friends? And I know people ask that often and it is cliche, and I would say, yes, they are your friends, but they just don't know how to support you and they fear. There's this fear that they have of losing you as a friend. Right, oh, I won't be able to connect with this guy anymore. It's just fear on both ends, and you can have conversations to dismantle the fear, which is fantastic.

Speaker 1: 5:10

I'm going to teach you some tools in this podcast how to do it, but I'm going to start with some quotes that I believe are extremely powerful from Friedrich Nietzsche and Fyodor Dostoevsky. Friedrich Nietzsche's quote the individual always has to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. This comes from the book Beyond Good and Evil, and what Friedrich Nietzsche is talking about here is the hero's journey. So we're all heroes on our own hero's journey. Okay, joseph Campbell quoted this.

Speaker 1: 5:35

What I believe to be is a good life is one hero's journey lived, one after another, and essentially that is. We have this call to adventure that we want to go on. After that, we go for trials and tribulations, we meet mentors along the way, we go through a dark night of the soul moment where we're like, holy, I have to change, and change my whole beliefs and perception. And then I have to bring this gift and the gift is always some internal gift that we have within order to into the real world. And what that is looks like is like you leave your family, your friends, whatever you go, you learn some skills, you find out more about yourself, you have this perception shift, you get the results and the proof and then your family go what the hell? You bring that back and then you share it with all your friends and your family and they go wow, I can't believe you did this. And you can see that in the Hobbit like so well, if you guys watch the Hobbit, when Bilbo Baggins comes back and he has with the wealth and everything, and they're all trying to be friends with him so that they can get a piece of the goodness that he found when he went out on adventures. That's the exact story that we're playing out in our own lives.

Speaker 1: 6:31

Now, what the thing is is, before he left, everyone doubted him. Everyone was like, oh, don't go, don't do this thing. And we are supposed to come across the what Friedrich Nietzsche calls the herd, and it's the mindset of the herd, which is the thoughts around all the people that do doubt you. You can't do that. That's not appropriate. Whatever it is, the hero is the bringer of change, and who is his biggest enemy? It's the masses. How hard is it? Try to convince.

Speaker 1: 6:54

Imagine if there was like a hundred people that believe that the sky was blue and you had to convince them that it was green. Right, how hard would that be to try to convince all those people? But imagine, well, let's do it the other way. Let's say a hundred people believe the sky was green, right, and you knew it was blue. And they had like they. They were like no, it's green, it's green, it's green, it's green. You're like what the hell? How can I prove this to them? And it isn't. If you fight them. Look, that's blue and that's green, they're going to be you're talking shit, right, they're not going to care, they're going to be like no, no, and it's going to reinforce their thoughts in their brain even more.

Speaker 1: 7:31

However, let's say, for example, you have the same color code thing and then you go and inspire like a thousand other people who had no other perception on it, and then these people would all go, wow, we're going to have to believe him now because he's convinced all these other people and it must be true, right, so it's influencing the masses. And one person can do that and, like you can do it, but you have to fight for it, right? It's not until you fight, and fight and fight, and fight and fight and fight and have powerful conversations and understand yourself and go through your own dark night of the soul and make sure you have your own moment of belief in yourself that you can get there. And when you get there, it feels incredible. It's like wow, and that is the role of the hero, and that is the role that we're going to have, which is why it's so hard to do and people don't want to do it. It's a lot more easier to remain comfortable, which leads into Phil Dovsevsky's quote here.

Speaker 1: 8:19

Quote this one to go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's. So this is just another follow your own path, be strong to your word, make sure that you're integral to your vision and your mission to yourself and you fight for it. And you're going down your own path. Because if you're going down the path of the masses, that's all of their paths right that they want you to go down. Not for any other reason, that is evil. It's just that they have beliefs around you and they have their own group think of how things should be right. And if you go down that way, cool, you're one of us. You're one of us. You're confirming to us all our beliefs are right. If you have to change someone's beliefs and let them know that all their beliefs are wrong, that's an identity shift which is really hard to do. So if you have your own identity shift and you can bring your own beliefs, that's how you can change.

Speaker 1: 9:10

So I know this is getting really deep now in regards to I just want to start a business, or I just want to go traveling, or I just want to find a partner, but this is the psychology that we have to understand that is going through people's minds, so that we don't have the small conversations of like, oh, fuck this guy, fuck this friend. Or like, why are my friends all bringing me down? We want to understand this stuff, that we can show up as the best version of ourselves and inspire them Like, what's the point of having friends if you can't bring them along? Who cares? If it's difficult and challenging, let's do it Unless, yes, you can't lead a horse to water. But you can lead a horse to water and like they're going to have to drink.

Speaker 1: 9:39

But if you have a big enough outcome and a big enough results because of you following your destiny, even if there's some conflict in the way you've inspired them, great, you're a good friend, right? So what can we actually do about this? I'm going gonna get to the practical side now. So what can we actually do? First one is there's some shadow work to look at. Right, if you guys don't know what shadow look. Shadow work is is essentially carl jung coined it.

Speaker 1: 10:02

It's the term of individuation, which is you becoming an individual or you becoming yourself. Become who you are right, and that the first step of that is having painful realizations about yourself. So I'm sorry, but not sorry guys. But when you listen to my podcast, there's realizations that you're going to have and you're going to go ah shit, I'm not who I thought I was, because I am inspiring to bring change to you so that I can help you become a better person. Yes, it's painful going to the gym and lifting, you know, heavy weight on the bench press is painful but you do it every day. You get a big chest, let's go right. So this is the same thing, but we're doing it with our own psyche and our own mindset, so let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 10:40

So some questions that I would ask you is why does it bother you if distance is created between you and the people you care about? Like, why does that bother you? And you think about that one for a second. Okay, what does it actually bother me? Second question Are you sad that the connection won't be as strong? That the connection won't be as strong? Are you attached to the connection? How cool is that? Thinking caps on, am I attached to the connection of the friendship? The reason that I'm staying mediocre and the reason I'm not taking advantage of this business, the reason I'm not investing in this business, the reason I'm not scaling up and growing and wanting to grow with my families is that I'm going to miss out on this connection or it's going to be less and that is my source of love, meaning you are not your source of love and what you've created isn't your source of love. And I believe using a source of love as your family and your friends is important and you must do it, but there also must be a reason for you to fill up your own cup and be your own source of love, being in love with yourself and being in love with what you're creating as, regardless of what they think, and having full trust and faith that when you do that, they will just believe in you and start to come with, even if they experience resistance first, no matter how far you go, right, no matter how far you go, and knowing that you can have conversations about that. I'll get to that in a second.

Speaker 1: 11:54

The second one, the third question do you have an addiction to their approval? This is some mummy, daddy stuff, right? Do you have an addiction to their approval? So, whether it was coaches, teachers, mum or dad, as children it's like when did we okay, ask the question, when did we get approval from our parents and for me, I realized any time that I did something incredible or I was the best or I won so much approval, right From the feminine side of my parents and from the masculine side, nothing right, absolutely nothing. So in regards to that, it was like kind of a double-edged sword. It was like, okay, if I'm not going to get any feedback, so I might as well try to be the best. So when I try to be the best is the only time that I get approval. So if I'm not perfect, something's wrong with me. Ah, so in my relationships or in my business, I have this thing where I I must be perfect, I must be right, I must be the leader, and if I don't get that approval, I think something's wrong with me. And I got to catch myself up. Because how bad is that of a leader being like me, me, me, me, me all the time? That's not empowering to staff members, clients, friends, whatever it is. I have to work on it every single day, because that's where my addiction to approval come from and what it was like. So do you have an addiction to their approval? And why?

Speaker 1: 13:06

Next one, how would you respond if they grew fast and left you and then never talked to you again. If they were just on the growth train and they just went. Ah, this is awkward and just like, didn't speak about it and just left. And you're just like what the hell? Right, there's moments where we have done or haven't done that before with friends and there's no judgment on that, right, it's just to start thinking about that now. It's like, okay, well, what I should be doing in this and I hate using the should words, but what I can be doing as an option is having powerful conversations with people around this, asking for their support. I'll teach you in a second.

Speaker 1: 13:40

And the last question is what is the insecurity and judgment you have of yourself for growing and leading and becoming excellent? Like, what is that insecurity and judgment that you have? Right? So, that's to answer some questions, and there's no judgment on the questions that you ask yourself. You just want to understand those. Okay, where am I at with these? How can they move? What bit of pills do I need to swallow? Where am I insecure? Where am I judging? And start thinking about it, maybe journal it down, write it down, write it down in the notes, notes in your phone, like, actually, like physically, have that done and then start to talk about it and you can own and take responsibility for your own insecurities and jealousy.

Speaker 1: 14:21

If I'm around someone and I notice that they're growing or there's some area and I notice myself, go, oh, I wish that was me. I say, hey, you're doing an amazing job. And I noticed that I'm actually so envious of where you're at and I can't wait to get to your position. And they go man, you've got it. Like, come, grow. Like we've got to do, is this, this, this, this, this? But I'll speak to my envy instead of pulling it down and pulling the other person down Insane. So here's what you can do One, have a powerful conversation asking for support from the opinion of those you need most.

Speaker 1: 14:51

So we need relationships and if we don't have the conversation of just saying, hey, I feel like I'm on a growth train right now, I'm on a sprint and I'm nervous because I don't want to hold myself back, I really want this, but I care about your opinion and your judgment means a lot to me and I don't want to grow and distance the connection between me and you, because I really value our connection. So, through this period, like I want you to come with me. You don't have to. There's no pressure. What I need from you as a friend is your support. I want you to just encourage me, celebrate me, say positive things, compliment me and if you see me getting down on myself, call me out on it. And that's what I need from you. Who's going to say no to that? Right? If you need to save that section in the podcast or like clip that out, screen record it, please, screen record it, because it's very powerful. You can use it for yourself. Or like write it down and not just saying that if you're just listening to this, like, oh, I'll write that down soon. Actually, get that done, if that you know that's going to help. You do it like holding you accountable for that.

Speaker 1: 15:48

Second one set boundaries with people setting boundaries. So one thing with boundaries is people will go yeah, I set a boundary, I set a boundary here, but did you fight for it? Because when you set a boundary, you have to keep that for a long period of time, and a boundary could be along the lines of I don't want to hear any negative comments towards me focusing towards my goals. They say, if there's a comment that said like, oh, you're too busy for us now, but hey, the boundary. I don't want you to say that I'm too busy. I'm focusing on my goals and I need friends who support me, not friends who can, not friends that will say things like that. So I don't appreciate that and I don't want that to happen. Like I love you and I respect you, but I don't want that topic spoken to me again. I need positivity. They'll go whoa, I and you have this. I'll just distance myself a little bit from you until you work on whatever it is that you're working on Savage.

Speaker 1: 16:38

But if you've got friends and family and needing to set those boundaries, you've got to fight for them and, honestly, that will bring you respect. Don't think that setting a boundary is going to make them distance themselves from you. They will respect you. Every time I've ever set a boundary with anyone ever and they've taken it bad a day later, two later, week later, whatever it is they hate. Hey, man, you setting that boundary Awesome. Like good on you for going crushing. I realized all these things about me and I need to set boundaries, like you did too. Holy shit, let's go set some boundaries Next minute. Friendships back on. And so incredible that that can happen. So incredible the power of boundaries. Don't ever think that you're going to push people away. You will get their respect, because anyone respects someone who knows how to say no properly, just highlighting your boundaries.

Speaker 1: 17:22

And to get clear on your boundaries, you just really have to write them down. What do you want in regards to your relationship with your friends, families and people? Like, what do you want to talk about, what do you not want to talk about? And then fight for them. And if you don't bring them up like that's on you, but you know, if you need help with that, come and join. Set the standard. I will help you with that.

Speaker 1: 17:39

One. Number three directly call your friends or your family out. So that's similar to the boundaries, but you can directly call people out. This is a very, I would say, approach that is inspirational and it does come in and just slice people a little bit. So get ready to hear people's projections, right? So you're going to basically be calling insecurities out and other people, but you want to do it in a really nice way.

Speaker 1: 18:03

So, essentially, someone's highlighting something in you and they're just like oh, like you know, money isn't everything X, y, z, and I do this with my family and friends all the time. Guys, just letting you know, all the time I call out and I say, hey, I know that you have problems in regards to your mindset with money. I don't. I'm not limited like you are, and I think that if you took a page out of my book, you'd be able to get a lot further and a lot further ahead in life. So when it comes to me, I want your courage and support. I don't want your money stuff to be put onto me. I don't want that to rub off onto me. I'll just directly say that People hear me on the phone, sometimes to friends, family, whoever it is, and I'll say that straight away and I'll just say, hey, just letting you know, this is an insecurity of yours and I don't want it put onto me.

Speaker 1: 18:46

Hey, this is where you lack a little bit of confidence. I don't like the confidence here and you saying that makes me feel unconfident and I don't want that around me at all. So can you please go work on your confidence so that we can have a better relationship. Boom, what a savage right. That also gains a lot of respect. It gains so much respect and your friends go. Holy shit, this person cares about me enough to tell me how the fuck it is right and you are you do care about them a lot and you are telling them exactly how it is, but you have to have the just the a little bit of finesse around how you want to deliver it. To call people out and be like is what you just said? Then seems like it comes from insecurity and it's. And I believe that insecurity you just put onto me and I'm not insecure like that Just letting you know I'm different to you when it comes to that, and that kind of makes me want to distance myself from you. I'm not going to because I love you, but I just don't want that language around me anymore because I need your support. What? So giving you guys some options here, right, the power of communication is absolutely insane.

Speaker 1: 19:47

And then the fourth thing you can do is obviously find a community that supports you. It's a limiting belief to think that you can't find new friends and surround yourself with new people without letting go of your old friends. Of course you can. They're all your friends. And when you have like a long period of time and family, right. And if you have friendships and relationships that last a long period of time, there's all forgiven. Like I love going back to Adelaide to see all my friends. Like I've moved away. I've been away for like three years, but every time I go back, as soon as I start talking to them, it's like I never, ever left. I'm like, oh, you guys are incredible and I love you all so much. Right, it's actually the best, and there's no judgment in between either or Right, so you can find new friends. You can find new people that are inspiring, and then you can still keep, you know, your old friends. But what you say you're going to do and you're bringing new perspective, you're being the hero of your own journey. They're going to go. This is amazing. Being friends with this person serves me right, and what you can do to do that is find communities.

Speaker 1: 20:43

I think online communities are fantastic. Schoolcom is crushing it. It's not a paid thing whatever. I run my community off of school and when I go and invest in the coaching and they have a school group, I say thank God, because I know where to go, who to talk to, I know what's going to be sick. The vibe of school, I think, is awesome. Alex Hormozy and Sam Ovens are in it, like they created it, like Hormozy's bought into it, and it's so fantastic because there's amazing people on there. You can send them messages, you can create posts, you can do things that are inspiring. I feel that you can't do on. You know Instagram and Facebook, and I believe that online communities for building new relationships is absolutely essential to get yourself to the next level.

Speaker 1: 21:19

And then is meeting people in person. So finding the community or the niche that works for you, with the people that sit, that fits your vibe and the skillset that you want to learn, and making sure that you're in the spectrum of depending what you want to learn of you know I can get, I can learn stuff from these people and this is the people that I want to be around, because I want to be like the people that are in here and if and if the people that are in here are like the people that are promoting it, awesome, this is going to be the best place ever. So go and meet people in that and it's also giving people compliments. So when you're out and about is looking at people. I believe in giving them little compliments, even DMS of, just like Whoa dude, that's amazing.

Speaker 1: 21:57

So I'll commonly go through my day and express gratitude to people as much as I can Like. Even when I'm in the gym, I'll say things to people Like if, if I'm not in a, because the gym I have a lot of, it is for me the whole process, cause my day is so social, so a lot of the time in my gym I'm like ah, I just want to like train by myself. But if I see people who I'm like, that guy's got like you know, like he's jacked, he looks really cool. It looks like someone I could be friends with. I'll compliment him. I'm like hey, bro, what's up? Like train hard as fuck, respect, something small as that. And they go, oh, thanks.

Speaker 1: 22:24

In the real world I'll like if I'm riding past on a bike, I'm walking past, I say, hey man, I've seen your content, it's fucking amazing. Good job, keep it up. I'll say that to everyone. And I literally did a podcast with Chris Griffin not too long ago and I rode past him First time I met him. I rode past him on a bike. I was like, bro, I love your content. It a compliment. I was like hell, yeah, I did, bro, you made awesome content right.

Speaker 1: 22:53

So that's a real good way of making friends who are inspiring, because people who are inspiring want to be around people who inspire them. And if you inspire other people by genuinely complimenting them, that's how you make new friendships, and then they want to inspire you back and then we're on this process of inspiration, which feels incredible. But I will do another podcast next on how to make inspiring friends, specifically give you guys some tools in the next podcast, but for now, you have no excuse whatsoever after this to go through the struggles of holding yourself back because people around you are like no, no, no, right, no excuse. Go out there, have the conversations, book them in, call them, text them, speak to them face-to-face, whatever it is to help get you to the next level, because you deserve it. Right, you're living this life and there's one life only. Right, it's crazy, and all you have to do is get over the fear of the emotions that are in here in order to level up, take the big risk thing and when you do, your life just feels so fulfilling.

Speaker 1: 23:53

So if you want help and support on this, come and join Set the Standard community. We've got a $200 a month membership that you can just join. Come and go, like whenever you want. It's a minimum of three months. We've got a six month and a yearly subscription on the Set, the Standard mastermind, and that's around 650 to 850 per month, depending how long you use it. So can't wait to see you guys in there. If not, you like this podcast, please share it with a friend and follow us on the podcast so you don't miss, because I'd be posting these podcasts super regularly. Big love, guys. See you in the next one.