4 Signs You're Self Sabotaging Your Self Improvement #230

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Transcript

Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Fear of Success

Speaker 1 0:00

Anytime you think something is wrong with you , it makes you hesitate , it makes you procrastinate , it makes you feel guilty , it makes you regret , it makes you feel embarrassed , like all these different things will try to control you in order to not feel the one emotion . Because this is why you self-sabotage yourself and how to get over it . So I'm going to tell you guys my self-sabotage , right ? You know , there's times when you feel a little bit icky . You feel like , oh , I don't really want to get up as early today , I can't be fucked doing this . I know that I've got this big vision and this big vision and this big mission and these big goals , but for some reason I've just got no creative energy . I can't put my tasks or my mind into doing something and you go , oh , damn it , so I'll just do the bare minimum instead . I'll just , I'll just commit to this instead and I'll just scroll on my phone , I'll listen to a podcast , I'll go have a sauna or something instead of actually , instead of actually doing the thing . So I , for I don't know for a while now keep , keep catching myself in a pattern of self-sabotage where I feel like I have some sort of creative block . I feel I have some sort of writer's block , so I use some of the techniques , right , so use some of the techniques like I'll just lay down on the floor , completely still binaural beats , until something pops into my head and I go , oh my God , I've got this creative ability here . I can take action on this . Now . I will call my friends and talk to them about it , to soothe me or to confirm to me that I can be doing something else . Right , that happens .

Speaker 1 1:41

And then I also , when I'm in self-sabotage mode , complain to my partner more and I have this like sort of sook energy , that's like , and I keep catching it right . Every time I go oh , I keep catching this and I catch it , and I catch it and I go . Why am I doing this ? Why am I doing that ? All that self-sabotage , all that self-sabotage right here , and what I've come to the conclusion of is it is just a fear of your own success , next level up , and you can say that right , because sometimes someone can say , oh , you have a fear of success , you have a fear of the next step , of leveling up and getting to that next level , and what I know for sure is it's a fear of responsibility that you think you can't handle yet and every time you sort of get to this next level , you have this feeling in your body where your nervous system has to expand its own capacity .

Speaker 1 2:27

And during your own journey of becoming the best version of yourself , succeeding in entrepreneurship , having a partner , having a really awesome physique , part of that comes to having to let people down , having to have difficult conversations with people , having people call you out on your shit . No one talks about this in terms of the game to level up right and the people who get reactive and the people who feel angry about it , or the people who avoid and they shy away , they go . Oh no , I'm not going to talk about this or I'm not going to lean in . They're the ones who don't get the success that they really want to . They'll stay and cap themselves at the same level . But what I know for sure out of hanging out with some amazing entrepreneurs and starting to see the patterns , looking at , following journeys of different people who are winning and succeeding but knowing them personally is that they're so positive regardless . Every time something negative happens , they have this positive attitude of like oh , I'm gonna get in here and I'm gonna speak positive to this , I'm going to , even though I feel this way , I'm going to communicate how I feel and then bring it back to positivity and , and every single time , like those people are the ones who are , you know , making the 20 , the 30 , the 50 , the 100 mil plus businesses , like for sure , they're so positive and they know what negative emotions feel like and what they are , and they just take them in and then they get them to the next level and every single time it's like okay , so that's why you're self-sabotaging is because you get to this level where you're ready for an upgrade

Navigating Through Growth and Self-Improvement

Speaker 1 3:51

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Speaker 1 3:51

Right , it comes in four phases , right , so you have a comfort zone phase which is like , oh , I'm in my comfort zone , I don't really have to do anything . The next phase is a transition phase . So you transition out of your comfort zone into doing something a little bit more challenging . Like , for me , my comfort zone phase , you know , in my business , is making something along the lines of 20 or 30 grand a month . It's like , okay , that's my comfort zone , right , and only investing into mentors that are , like , you know , two or three thousand dollars a month instead of eight thousand dollars a month , whatever , even though it's like ballsy as hell to do those things . Like , okay , that could be a comfort zone for me .

Speaker 1 4:22

The transition phase is just knowing and doing the work . Like , okay , I'm in the work , I need to own this , that I'm in the self-sabotaging phase right now and I need to get to the next level . Then you go through a stretch phase . Okay , what are all the conversations ? What are all the challenges ? What are all hard , because when you have other people's responsibilities on you , that creates pressure .

Speaker 1 4:46

Like for me , it's my community , it's my members , it's my clients , it's my staff members , like all of those people for me , I'm like I care about their opinions If I let any of them down , or even some of my people . That we hire coaches or videographers , like whatever it is , it's like , okay , can we any of these people ? And now we have those expectations , my accountant , I have to meet expectations for them , right ? So that's a lot of responsibility that you have to take and feel and if it's like you want to get to the next level , you have to be able to feel those emotions and process them , because if you keep sweeping them under the rug , you're just sweeping them all under there . What's going to happen is , eventually , it's all going to bottle up and you are going to absolutely explode , which you don't want to do . So that's my story , uh , currently , and those things happen regularly and I've been catching it , and for me to get over it and doing the actual task , I had to hire a mentor and basically it was just like the biggest thing is I could do all the tasks anyway .

Speaker 1 5:39

So and what it is is setting up your environment , like I remember I was having for a while . I'm like why don't I have a block around getting in front of my podcast and talking to my podcast ? And for some reason , I was like I have this fear of judgment . I feel like other people are going to hate me . I feel like the only time that I get acknowledgement from someone else is when I do a perfect job . So what are some things that I can do that aren't perfect ? And can I just speak intentionally from the heart ? And is it worthy enough that what you speak from the heart and what you've learned and the knowledge that you've gained is going to be valuable anyway ? And just being able to say that gives you the freedom of thought . Freedom of thought starts to bring you confidence in the skills that you already have , which is absolutely fantastic . So that is like my own story .

Speaker 1 6:27

What self-sabotaging feels like is resistance , right . What it feels like is , every time you go to do something , it's like I have this void or resistance , and usually it's met with some sort of shame , so you feel ashamed about something Shame wants to hide . So if you look at your emotions and your body separately , it's noticing that like okay , so I feel one emotion and how does it show up in someone's body ? So , as a coach , when I'm facilitating and coaching people , I'm continually looking at them in their eyes and their whole body language to see how their body is responding to what we're talking about , because the body doesn't lie and there's energy that feels . Your face has emotions , like you know . When you feel sad , you get teary . When you get hungry , you salivate . When you get hungry , you salivate . When you get horny , you get an erection , right . So all of these things happen , and if you don't pay attention to what your body is doing , then it's like who's really in control , right , your body is , not you . So what we want to do is like , as a coach a really good coach will look at you and be aware of your nervous system and your body .

Speaker 1 7:23

And the point that I was getting at is that shame , when it's avoiding your shoulders get hunched , your head goes down , your voice gets a little bit quieter and higher pitch like uh-oh spaghetti , oh , something bad's gonna happen , there's something wrong with me . Shame means there is something wrong with me , but that we wanna take our shame seriously , we wanna own that , because anytime you think something is wrong with you , it makes you hesitate , it makes you procrastinate , it makes you feel guilty , it makes you regret , it makes you feel embarrassed , like all these different things will try to control you in order to not feel the one emotion because you have to deal with you . And there's two things you got to do to work with shame . One working with shame is being comfortable enough is to work with , to , to own your shame is shifting your perception of yourself . That's number one . How can I shift my perception of myself ? That's the question . The second thing you can do with shame is insert high quality boundaries and fight for them right , even though sometimes fighting for your boundaries is going to be scary and you're gonna think oh man , there must be something wrong with me , with fighting my boundaries . That is going to test your capacity for your own self-worth right . So this happens regularly

Exploring Self-Sabotage Patterns and Overcoming

Speaker 1 8:27

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Speaker 1 8:27

What else happens is in the self-sabotage is you ? We mainly feel safe , right , when we are a child . So when we're growing up , there is some sort of safety that we convince ourselves that we need , that our parents give us . So , for example , you could be someone who , every time you did something right or every time you did anything , your parents are just like yes , yes , yes , and we acknowledge you . We acknowledge you like so much praise . You're like oh , my parents are the best people ever . And now so much praise . You're like oh , my parents are the best people ever . And now you have this demon inside you . That's like if you do something that's not perfect or you get your praise taken away from you , you just get super reactive . Oh , spaghetti , oh , it could be the complete opposite . It could be like your parents never gave you any praise whatsoever . So when someone goes to give you praise , you go hell . No , I can't deal with this . Someone's gonna give me a thank . Someone's to give you praise ? You go hell . No , I can't deal with this . Someone's going to give me a thank . Someone's going to thank you to me . No way , I have to be intimate with someone Scary as hell , right , so that'll prevent you from leveling up in business , like if I did a really good job at this , an excellent job , and someone's just like wow , I'm so happy with this thing that you gave me , it's like the best thing ever , and you go oh , I don't want to deal with that . So you can self-sabotage yourself from getting that love that you feel uncomfortable to receive . So I don't know what the journey is for you , what it was like , but it's for you to think about .

Speaker 1 9:42

Okay , what was the thought of my parents , for example ? Mine was . My dad was people-pleased all the time and I didn't really get any acknowledgement from him whatsoever . He tried whatsoever , he tried right , he tried to . But the only acknowledgement he would get is when I worked really hard , like I remember I stopped working with him . It was toxic as hell working with him and I worked at a clothes store , like a surf store , right , and I remember like the first day he walked into the manager this is a surf store , you work in the thongs , you chill and dad , like really embarrassing , was like oh man , oh , how's he going , whatever it is . And I was like , yeah , yeah , he's good , whatever it is . Uh , matt was a manager and then he's .

Speaker 1 10:20

I remember my dad leaving was being like real travel , like working hard . You know what I mean . And the first thing you do when I'm sweeping is like , oh , make sure you step those things off the the broom , like get them off , so you're sweeping properly like motherfucker , I am not working for you anymore , don't you ? You goddamn tell me what to do , right ? So anytime like I self-sabotage when people tell me shit to do and it's not directed in like a professional , like a nice way , immediately triggered , I want to get self-sabotage because my dad used to people please and project it back onto me .

Speaker 1 10:49

My mom was the opposite . My mom used to congratulate me all the time for everything that I did , but only when I was the best , and she would be really negative and scared when you know I was either going to come second or I'm not going to win and there'd be a lot of judgment around it . So I have this fear now for me I'll still sabotage if I get put in the limelight and I'm to be looking like I am perfect , right , someone's like . If I'm like , if I have to be the embodiment of some sort of like . If I feel that I have to be put into a position where I'm the best , I get really scared because I feel like I'm going to bring everyone else down . It gets really scary .

Speaker 1 11:26

So it's hard for me to hold being the winner , right , because of the how my mom would judge everyone else who came , you know , second or third , and I just feel bad about those people . So I self-sabotaged myself from winning . So it's hard sometimes , you know , to stick to a routine completely to the T , right . And if I failed , if I'm like , if I try my best and I don't win this , I come second or third or something , I'm not going to get love from my mom , right , whatsoever . This is a good trait to have , right , because there's good , there's positives , there's pros and cons to what dad was like , there's pros and cons to how mom was right , and I'm like , if that for me , like , it's good because it helped me motivate , kick ass , stay , stick to a routine , be extremely disciplined .

Speaker 1 12:12

But also , when it comes to the self-sabotage or the dark side of it , it's like , well , let's say I'm competing in bodybuilding competition . Oh , I might eat this little snack . Right , it would come to business . Well , I won't send the dms today , you know . I mean I won't post the podcast today , I won't create something today , I'll do it tomorrow . I'll do this one , I'll put it in my calendar , I'll reorganize this like whatever it is , um , or I won't do that and I'll get someone else to do it . I'll just talk about the thing and I won't take action on it , right ? So all those things can come from .

Speaker 1 12:38

Well , if I actually do these things and I try and I get to the top and I don't win , then I'm not going to get love . So I can confirm to myself well , I didn't give it my all anyway , I didn't try my best anyway . So now that I've third , second , fourth or failed , because I confirmed to myself that I didn't try anyway , right ? So that's how you know your self-sabotage is coming in and absolutely ruling the roost , right ? So it's out of a fear of not feeling safe , right ? So what can we do about it ? Right ? How can we make sure that we do not self-sabotage any damn more ?

Speaker 1 13:16

So the first one is understanding your pattern . Right is getting really clear . Like , if you don't have any coaching and you're a male , you can come join , set the standard and we can do this for you , right ? But if not , I'd be talking to your bros about it and I'd be thinking , hey , like sort of workshopping , what patterns do I have as a child that make me felt safe ? Right , when did I receive love from my parents and what did that look like ? I mean , you can understand what that looks like and you can find your pattern , sort of like I did then awesome . That's the first step to take .

Speaker 1 13:44

The second one , for self-sabotage , to make sure that you're getting over . It is making yourself feel safe and regardless of what you're doing , right . So it's just asking yourself the question like my intention could be to make fifty thousand dollars a month . Could be to build an e-commerce business . Could be to make my training business really well , whatever it is , it might . Could be to scale the business that I'm working at what a promotion .

Speaker 1 14:02

But so whatever it is is like where do I not feel safe ? As I'm progressing and climbing this hierarchy ? What doesn't feel safe for me ? What doesn't feel safe for me is having the question asking my manager for a pay rise and then saying , no , why right , okay , what is everything that I can do to the best of my ability in order to get them to say yes . And even if they do say no , what am I going to do ? Well , the first thing is you don't give up . You know they say no . What I'm going to say is okay , that's fine for this time , but when can I come back and like , if you're applying for a job or a promotion ? When can I come back and do my tasks again and then prove to you that I'm deserving of a pay rise ? And they'll say this , this , this , this and this , you go awesome . That's a lotident right . So this looks like a bit of a self audit .

Speaker 1 15:03

So , first thing for a self audit , like , I taught this from a friend called Dia and you can go see her out . Uh , see her . I did a podcast with her and it was she's on instagram as disciplined girlie . All right , damn , I was trying to figure out where to get it right . Disciplined girl , you can go see it .

Speaker 1 15:17

I got this from dia and she said at the end of your week , every single week , just write down the list of everything that feels icky , right , everything that feels gross , everything that feels mess , and you're just being really brutally honest with yourself . Okay , feel messy here , here , here , here , here yeah , gross , writing that down is extreme . I think it's extremely important and it's shattered work because it okay . If I start clearing these and I can create some room , I'm going to feel way more confident in myself and the decisions that I make , because I truly believe the deeper the roots to hell , the tour of the tree , the closer the tree is to getting to heaven Okay , and we're either moving from a place of let's get out of hell or we're moving to let's go to heaven , but we forget that our roots go down to hell as well . So what feels icky for us is anything that feels gross or icky is holding us like , is weighing us down and holding us back . So we need to go down into hell , fix what's going on in there so that when we get to baseline and we're on earth , okay , now we can start sprinting towards heaven . Right , and that's done just

Breaking Patterns for Self-Improvement

Speaker 1 16:14

by .

Speaker 1 16:14

It's just an emotion , right , and you can't control that . No matter who you are , you have the best life , living , having all the best things around . You turn about the best people , exploding with your growth , feeling so good about everything that's happening in life , but then you start thinking about yourself or other people and you start feeling like , oh , that's gross . I feel depressed , I feel anxious , like what ? What is this emotion that's going on ? It's like , cool , well , there's some parts of you that feel gross , that you need to move on so that you can start focusing on what you most want to do to you , so that you can start making your way to heaven , baby , right . So when you write down that list of everything that feels icky and you have the conversations with the people , you do the tasks that feel gross . Okay , now you've freed up some room , right . So now you can start sprinting and becoming more productive with your own self-confidence , which is absolutely brilliant , right ? So the whole gist of that is basically , we start small , we go back to our foundations and we clear everything up , right , it's a bit like a bit of an once you start working on the ickiness audit that you do at the end of every week .

Speaker 1 17:13

Then you start going through your routine . Okay , am I getting up the time that I really want to be getting up every single day ? Yes , no . Am I getting out of sleep that I want to get every single day ? Yes , no . Am I doing the ice baths , the saunas ? Am I sticking to a routine that I want to , that I desire to do . That's going to help me become the best version of myself . Yes , no , sometimes you can go . Oh , yeah , five o'clock is early enough in the that look like for me . Am I really eating the ingredients that I want to be eating ? Am I sticking to the diet that I want to be sticking to ?

Speaker 1 17:43

The bigger foundation that we have at us at the beginning is going to help us get to the next level , and what happens is when we start growing and we start expanding , is that we start forgetting , like we forsake ourselves and our own body and our own environment and our own foundations right , and we let small things slip routine this slip . I watch a little bit of tv here . I'll do a little bit of this here . What that's called is the comfort zone baby and how I talked about those four phases . You get back into the comfort zone phase , right . So that's what it looks like . We're consistently getting pulled back down to the comfort zone phase and we can find it by doing a self-audit to figure out what feels icky and then going over our routine and then that's essentially it . That is how you work on your own self , self-sabotage and then finding the patterns that are going to , you know , prevent you from here .

Speaker 1 18:29

The second one is finding the patterns that contribute to your self-sabotage . You can do them yourself , you can do it with a coach , you can even go go into chatgbt and you can say hey , chat , can you please help me find my patterns of self-sabotage that I've gotten from my parents and ask me one question at a time and chatgbt will help you , like , figure that out too , so you can help figure out your pattern . But if you don't like that , on that pattern in the real world , every time you start hesitating , every time you start procrastinating , oh , that's a pattern for me , right ? That's what I've been doing for like the last , I would say , the last few weeks . Every time that there's a hesitation , a procrastination , a pause in something , I'm like , okay , this is a self-sabotage . And I remind myself again where this comes from Mom or dad .

Speaker 1 19:11

Why , awesome , this Awesome ? This is the fear of me leveling up , this is the fear of my next success . So get ready , baby , let's turn this into excitement , because you're about to live the best version of you . You're about to live your best life . You're about to become the best version of yourself . Who are you when you're at your most brilliant , your most capable ? Do you give a fuck about what anyone else thinks ? No , no , you don't . Can you hold space ? Can you ? Can you be willing to let other people down ? Can you be willing to piss people off ? Can you be willing to let yourself down ? Can you be willing to have the whole world judge you ? And can you be willing to have the whole world love you ? Right , so ? And just that willingness of that happening doesn't mean that it's going to happen , but just that willingness to go in and be authentic and transparent with it anyway is going to help you break all of those patterns , so that you become the best version of

Achieving Mastery as an Entrepreneur

Speaker 1 19:58

yourself .

Speaker 1 19:58

Well , you want to make it . Well , you want to be extremely awesome entrepreneurs and anyone listening to this podcast . You want to be the highest level entrepreneur . You want to have the best quality relationship and you want to have a physique that you're completely proud of . And you want to be wisdom . You want to be wisdom , wise and philosophical as fuck , so that everyone you talk to leaves your presence feeling inspired and you can when you work on yourself . So big love , guys . I hope you took a lot out of this podcast . If you did , please share it . I'll see you in the next one .