Guide For Relationship Check Ins [Don't Do's] #232

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If you’re new to my page my name’s Corey Boutwell. I’m the founder and CEO of men’s personal development company Set The Standard. I’m a professional bodybuilder, I have coached over 300 men to their full potential and created a multi six figure business in just 3 years. This podcast is where I share EVERYTHING I learn along the way.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Relationship Check-In
• 11:12 Closing Conversations for Relationship Growth

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

And I promise you afterwards, every single time I have this conversation, I have a boner like immediately afterwards. Welcome back to the Corey Batwell podcast and today I'm going to help you guys set the standard by teaching you how to do a relationship check-in, because too many of us have these conversations that need to be had in our relationship and if we don't have them, we know that we sweep shit under the rug. Next minute we're arguing. Next minute we feel resentment. Next minute we feel spite, our tone starts changing, we get a little bit reactive. We don't want to spend time around our partner. Next minute we're like why don't we want to have sex with them Even though I'm horny? Why do I not want to travel with them? Why is everything that they're doing pissing me off, right? So I'm going to teach you guys the tools to have a relationship check-in so you can have a conversation, clear the air, make the energy just feel absolutely fantastic in the relationship and, after the conversation, know that you guys are going to be feeling so much closer together, feeling more at peace and having that genuine attraction come back. Right. It's sort of like the analogy, I think a relationship check-in and actually doing it, especially for the guys listening to this. Guys, take some fucking responsibility and lead in the relationship check-in. Your girl doesn't want a pussy ass, weak, insecure man that can't bring conversations to the fucking table. So this is for you to raise like, raise your standards big time and lead in this conversation and I'm going to teach you how to lean into it. I'm going to teach you what to say and to even start a conversation. But for men out there, if you're listening, here's a really quick tip. I want you guys to put this one on your head. The quick tip is you just say hey, let's zoom out of this relationship for a second. At the moment, I feel like we're not supporting each other. The energy feels weird and we need to have a conversation because I want us to get back on the same team, because right now I'm not on your team and you're not on mine, just saying that immediately, like you can use that one phrase right there repeat, listen, save this podcast, do whatever. It is that you need to use that and that's how you can initiate a conversation with your partner without them getting angry or tone at you. Because the second you say that hey, let's zoom out for a second, we're not on the same team and let's get back onto the same team in the relationship because we love each other and right now I'm not on yours and you're not on mine. They're going to go. Yeah, you're right, you're really right. So what can we do? So immediately? It just takes people out of the shit and into the good. So that's one little tip, but, yeah, I'm going to teach you guys how to do all of it in this podcast. So, thinking caps on, let's go.

Speaker 1: 2:26

It's time to raise a new standard, because how, how the hell, are you supposed to show up in business if your relationship is fucked and you're stressed and you go into bed stressed? I track my stress and the aura ring and if my relationship is like pulling on me, I can see the stress levels on my aura ring affect me, affect my business decision. Then I get creative block and then writer's block and something else and I go what the hell? I just need to have conversations in my relationship. It also makes you angry towards your friends, staff, everyone else, and you get closed off and your shell closes over the next minute. You're undisciplined, you're self-sabotaging yourself and you're doing everything possible just to avoid some feelings that, oh, I might have to feel these feelings in my relationship and for men who are leaders, men who are alphas, we can feel those emotions without getting fucked up about them. We go yeah, I'm sad, yeah, I'm emotional, yes, I am angry, I'm frustrated, but it's not going to stop me from doing the next thing, because I know how to have the conversation and set some damn boundaries around this. So I'm going to help you guys set some boundaries. So, as much as I'm aggressive on this podcast, because I'm very passionate about it, I am also coming with a lot of love, like I love you guys and I want you guys to win and we have the best relationship ever. We have the best sex. I want you guys to help support each other as best as possible, and this is some tools that I use in my relationship that you can use that when things are crazy and chaotic, we have this chat once a week and immediately after we're more attracted, we feel better, we're more in love, we want to go on more dates and we want to have some crazy sex and put some holes through the damn walls right. Hell, yeah, let's go. So this is how you do a relationship check-in, okay.

Speaker 1: 3:49

So first is setting up to have the relationship check-in. Don't feel guilty if you've got to book it in your calendar. I booked mine on my calendar. I think it's fantastic. Like I think, regardless of what you're doing and where you're living in 2024, high-performing business owners usually both partners are working, like most people that I know. If you're not, that's completely fine as well, but still having it booked in your calendar is extremely important and I encourage you to not feel embarrassed or guilty about that. I think it is highly productive and needed in the modern world because, holy shit, there is so much for us to do. How overwhelming is the task that we've got to do during the day, right? So One thing, don't feel guilty about that. The other one is just highlighting that you have to have a conversation and using what I said beforehand hey, I just really want to have a conversation with you about our relationship because I believe that there is further growth for us to have and it's going to require setting new standards, because I want to love you better and I'm not loving you as best as I can right now. I want you to love me better and you're not loving me as best as you can right now. So let's get back on the same page and work together as a team, and it's going to start by having a conversation. Let's just get rid of whatever's on our hearts and our chest so that we can get back into as much love as possible.

Speaker 1: 4:58

For women, encouraging a guy is going to be a lot harder because men commonly aren't going to want to talk about their emotions. So look, I'm straight in the eye and call him a little bitch. I'm kidding, do not say that. That was a joke, right, I just couldn't help myself say that. So, as guys, it is challenging for us to feel emotions, and the highest standard, high caliber men are not afraid of feeling their emotions. That is just how it is. It always will be, and it's encouraging them to be that guy. And it's not a takeaway. It's not calling him a little bit, just not saying little things like that. It's like hey, I know that you've got more in the tank and I know you want to be a good partner and I know you want to be a good provider. And it starts at us having a conversation. I'm not going to judge you. I love you and I want to support you Because most of the time, as guys, I know guys, a lot of hear me, hear me with this.

Speaker 1: 5:45

We do have a little boy inside us, right, we have that little boy and we want to protect him and essentially we have emotions. Oh, you best believe we damn be feeling emotions all the time, but we have this ability to shut them off. And if we open up to you and we put our heart in some way, some shape or form, and it could be like hey, can you please do the dishes for me? Hey, like, can we please talk about this this one time, and the second that we are met with any form of tone, you're like oh, you're so emotional you never talk to me. You'd be like, fuck, yeah, I'm emotional, shit, I'm sad, I'm on the verge of tears, but you best believe I'm not telling you about it. You best believe that I'm not saying anything to you specifically. Fuck, no, like, as soon as I mentioned you, I'm just gonna get my heart closed off again, because women don't want to see a weak, insecure, sad man. So I'm gonna close everything off and I'm just avoid everything. It's really sad, right, it's really sad.

Speaker 1: 6:36

So most men are in that position. So to get them to open up, they have to be met with a lot of love and encouragement. Like this conversation is I'm going to love you better, I'm not going to judge you right, I'm not going to criticize you, I'm not going to complain to you. So, women, if you're listening to that, this is what you need to say. And, men, if you're listening and you want your partner to do that, you have to educate them on how to do it, because women don't know how to do that either. They weren is extremely important, but it's getting into the conversation. The actual tips in having the conversation are quite simple, but this is like the what's really important to know, because, like, the first obstacle is having the conversation. So that's what we do. And, men, if you have your partners, it's just you really want to highlight the fact that you're going to love them so much better after this conversation, right? And then you guys want to set the tone for the conversation. No phones, hell. No, you can do it out of house somewhere. It's just as long as you're not going to be distracted, as long as they're not people walking by your laptop's in front of you. You've got work. Phone is on silent. If you're expecting a call, don't have the conversation, have it another time and make sure you respect each other's time and have that conversation Half an hour to an hour and a half, something like that, depending how good you get at it right and then when you sit down to have the conversation, you're both completely focused on each other.

Speaker 1: 7:50

What you want to say is what's your intention for the conversation? Like, hey, let's have a check-in conversation. What's the intention? And the intention could be I want to get connected, serious with it.

Speaker 1: 8:08

The second one is set your boundaries. Hey, during this conversation. If any time that you feel like you need to yell or get aggressive towards me, I want you to take a breath and be completely silent, because I don't want to have that during this conversation at all. And the boundaries are that I want us to be really kind to each other in our delivery, right, that could be the boundaries, whatever you mentioned. So you but one says the boundaries, the other one says their boundaries and then you just say what are the areas that you guys want to talk about today Health, wealth, safety, security, intimacy, safety, physical attraction, friends, family, right, what are the areas you want to talk about? And make sure that some of them are good, because you want the conversation to be rewarding as well.

Speaker 1: 8:46

Then you pick an area let's just say, for example, it is intimacy and you say, cool, what I appreciate you for in intimacy is this, this, this, this. You've made me feel intimate like this. This is when I feel intimacy for you. This is what I appreciate. I appreciate your effort. Maybe, if you're not feeling intimacy, I appreciate the effort here. This is where I think we were really good and I think this. So whatever you appreciate for, mention it to that person, look them in the eyes and be serious with it.

Speaker 1: 9:06

Second thing you want to say is what I've been withholding you from and you say I've been withholding. So it's any sort of emotions, because in relationship it's like there, this, but also you'd know that it's better for the relationship. So you then come in and you go okay, what I've been withholding from you is that I'm not feeling that much intimacy at the moment, and I'm feeling guilty about that. And why I think that is is because I'm not getting the attention that I need at the moment. I'm not as attractive to you physically at the moment, because I feel like I just want to let you know that, like your standards for your own hygiene have dropped and I'm way more attracted to you when your standards for your own hygiene are higher. That looks like dressing nice. It looks like going to the gym more. That looks like blah, blah, blah. You know so.

Speaker 1: 9:51

And that's male or female, right, and having that conversation is extremely important. I went for a jugular type one Then, like that's a deep one to have and just gone, that's like an advanced one. So if you don't feel comfortable to say that, that's completely fine, you can talk about what's most comfortable and eventually get deeper and deeper and deeper. Once you have these relationship conversations, then the other person it's the best thing to hear they go yeah, I'll take responsibility for that. So you say, what I've been want to say is are you open to doing that for me? So you have to come up with a correct request.

Speaker 1: 10:24

So if it was the intimacy one, so what I would like from you is some more attention and be specific when. More attention in the morning, when we first wake up and when we finish work for about 45 minutes, like I would love complete attention. Then no phones, no distraction. That would help me fill my cup up from both parties, like whatever it is or when I'm driving. I don't want you to be on your phone. I want us to be chatting together, you know what I mean, just the whole time. Whenever we're driving in the car, that is present moment for me, and I don't like when I'm driving and you're on your phone, like whatever the conversation that you need to have is in the relationship. Then you ask are you open to doing that for me? And the other person can say yes and not, or they can ask a question back if it's no. So you say, when they say no, they go. What else can I do to fulfill that need of yours? So that way it's like they're not getting immediately rejected and that is it.

Speaker 1: 11:12

You just repeat that for each section and then, when you come to the end, you talk about the check-in. So, okay, how did the check-in go for you? And he said what did you appreciate about me during the check-in? What I appreciate you was this, this, this, this, this, and I want to thank you for that, thank you. The other person says what I appreciate you for during this check-in was this, this, this, and I want to thank you for that. And that's how is so important. So don't turn off the podcast.

Speaker 1: 11:41

Yet, guys, listen, this is really important in regards to any ceremony, like when you go to event, before they open the doors as a hype, they have the doors and they close the event. When you have, like, professional meetings with someone, they open up the meeting and the conversation. You have the conversation and then it gets closed. You know, when you go out for breakfast, you sit there, you order, you order, you take away. Then the closing ceremony is going up and paying for it afterwards, like depending on what you're doing. So there's always like this um, you know, ceremony of open conversation close. If you don't close the conversation at the end, then it keeps everything open and then that allows you guys to talk about it again, maybe in passing moments when it's not appropriate, right? So you guys want to talk about this during this container and I promise you afterwards, every single time I have this conversation, I have a boner, like immediately afterwards, because I'm turned on, because I'm feeling emotions and emotions are a great indicator that are going to help you get turned on.

Speaker 1: 12:28

Attraction is back and I'm like oh baby, I'm so much more motivated to take my partner on a date, I am so much more motivated to have these conversations and do more for her. What can I do? How can I make her feel more love? How can I make her feel more special after these conversations? Because I actually feel heard as a guy, because most of the time I just avoid having the conversation, like, fuck that, I'm not putting my heart out there, you're going to squish that shit, right. So that is it, guys.

Speaker 1: 12:49

If you like this podcast, please share it with a friend and give us a follow. And if you want to learn this in more detail and be held accountable, come and join Set the Standard community. If you're a woman and you're partnered and you're like, oh, he needs some of that stuff, get him on in. If you are a guy and you're like, I want to crush this, be a part of Set the Standard community because I want to have better sex and I want to level up my communication skills. Come and join Set the Standard and I'll see you guys on the inside. Big love.