The Brutal Truth About Gaining Confidence #235

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If you’re new to my page my name’s Corey Boutwell. I’m the founder and CEO of men’s personal development company Set The Standard. I’m a professional bodybuilder, I have coached over 300 men to their full potential and created a multi six figure business in just 3 years. This podcast is where I share EVERYTHING I learn along the way.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Building Self-Confidence Skills
• 2:56 Confidence Building Through Adversity
• 7:23 Developing Self-Confidence
• 13:20 Exploring Terror Management Theory for Confidence

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

self-confidence, like why do you keep going back to that, bro? Where's your damn boundaries, man? Hey, everyone, welcome back to another Corey Batwell podcast, and today we are getting into self-confidence and how you can become confident as hell. There are so many things that people get wrong when it comes to confidence and regards to what they believe, that they think confidence is, and when feeling confident, and like what even? Is it right? And without even knowing what it is, it's hard for us to even be confident.

Speaker 1: 0:33

So I want to kick this off with a couple of quotes that I think are really powerful, right? So number one is talking too much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. By Friedrich Nietzsche, this means that people can regularly put on a mask, pretending to be confident when they're not, and I know that we've all gone through moments of that. You know, period of time of just being like. You know you want to keep talking about yourself, to confirm your beliefs about yourself, and the more that you confirm your beliefs about yourself, you try to manipulate your way into feeling confident. Now, how do I know this? Because I do it. Well, there's so many times where I manipulate situations to make a topic to talk about me so that I can, you know, get a feeling of affirmation Now, in saying that, I've had some moments in my life where I have been so ridiculously acknowledged by people that it's been overwhelming to the point where it's been like brought me to tears. And what I know for sure is that there is, you know, an opposite to self-confidence is insecurity. Where you do not feel secure inside yourself, where I've yearned or I felt insecure to the point where I've had so much praise from a lot of people that I respect and be like no, I don't deserve this, I'm not worthy of this, like this isn't good for me or whatever reason, which is a complete failure to regard yourself. Which is why doing the mindset work and the healing work is so important because, like, how are you supposed to find a partner, how are you supposed to lead in business, how are you supposed to become the best version of yourself? How are you supposed to even get the drive to want to be healthy and fit if you don't have belief in yourself? Right, If you don't have belief in yourself but believe that you're not worthy of something.

Speaker 1: 2:08

So here's some hints as to where self-confidence comes from. Already. Another quote when you lose confidence in yourself, the worst thing you can do is sit and wait for it to be restored. It will not happen. You will feel worse, ryan Holiday. Essentially, what this means is you've got to move. You have to fight for your own confidence, and I believe this so strongly.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Confidence does not just come right. It's not a. It's not an emotion. I don't believe it's an emotion. It's not a thing that we get. It is a skill we cultivate. It is a skill that we cultivate, that we try to grow inside ourselves so we can get better and better and better and better. So make sure you listen to this entire podcast. Make sure you hear, because this is absolutely going to blow your brain in regards to what self-confidence is and how you can use it to get to the next level.

Speaker 1: 2:56

So, essentially, for me, I had to create my confidence so many times. I've lost it so many times by getting cheated on, having breakups, quitting my passion of being a singer, dancer and actor as a young kid and then getting into working into a sheet metal factory with my dad. I remember when I was working with dad, I used to. Probably my least confident was in this relationship was getting cheated on every weekend Like I'm not kidding, she was kissing someone or sleeping with someone else every single weekend. Literally the worst self-confidence Like why do you keep going back to that, bro? Where's your damn boundaries? Man Like you must be so anxiously attached. Let's love on past, corey right? He was in the hurt locker At the same time. He was working at a job that he didn't want to for his old man because he had dreams of taking over the family business. However, it was not the right way of going about it.

Speaker 1: 3:42

I remember that all my clothes that I used to wear were hand-me-downs from my old man. So, even though I was wearing tradie gear, I remember going to like a job site and people would have this nice looking tradie gear. I'd have like two buttons ripped, pocket burn marks everywhere, dad's old shoes that had been completely wrecked and like jeans that are just covered in silicon and black soot and dust, and I'd wear those same clothes like over and over and over again and wondered why I didn't believe in myself, wondered why I didn't have self-confidence, and the only thing I could attach myself to that I could escape from everything was the gym. Right, that was it. That was the only thing that I can do and thank God that I had, you know, real good lessons and teachings when I was a young kid that I knew that you know, doing something like that's going to be really important for me.

Speaker 1: 4:23

So I was stuck in this situation of you know. I felt so shit about myself and I started bringing in more opportunities, like a relationship my friend started, you know, at that time went through a cycle of womanizing and a cycle of drinking and going out. I didn't really like the going out too much, like it always made me feel nervous. I got anxious about it and I'd rather be in bed at like 10 pm so I can get up early and work out and do whatever it is. But early 20s.

Speaker 1: 4:45

So what can you do right At that time when you're completely surrounded by those people? I didn't know any different. I didn't know that there was more confidence. I didn't know that there was levels to the game and it wasn't until that I competed in my first bodybuilding competition and won that shit right because there was this cooling in my chest. I was like you have to compete, people have put it out there. And I was like you know what People have said to me like man, you're 21. You should definitely compete. Look at the rig on you. Um, you can't believe you're not on steroids. And I was like thank you very much. That is what gave me the confidence to go. You know what Fuck this? I'm going to do something for me. I remember taste of like wow, this is the confidence that I used to have when I was singing, dancing and acting as a kid all the time. And it's been taken away from me and slowly but surely, I started to get more confident. I started to achieve more.

Speaker 1: 5:32

I graduated uni in business with honors. Like, with honors, I was one of the top of the class, like top 5% of the class, something. And and by doing that and created this wave of just this flow of continue, go, go, go, go, go, go. Started getting public speaking training. I started training people in leadership. I started moving forward. I was like wow, I felt so confident. I said I'm going to start a podcast, reach out to some amazing people around the world and talk to them, start set the standard in business. You know, reach out to, you know, create amazing relationships and find a partner in my dreams and all that stuff. Like, I actually have the confidence to go out there and like, try to hold everything down and it was like, wow, this is so powerful, right, so that was my own story with it. But I didn't start there like that and it was real bad.

Speaker 1: 6:11

And through times of that having a big transformation into, uh, where I'm at the moment, there's been moments where I've lost all the confidence. In between, and as an entrepreneur, it's like when you lose all your money and your bank account hits zero, when you're in a lot of debt, zero. When you let down team members, your confidence goes down. When you have to let people go, confidence goes down. When you have people that buy your service or don't do anything with it or they didn't get what they needed from what you've done, makes them feel let down, you go. Ah, makes you feel let down, confidence goes. When you run retreats and you got to hold projections of everyone, ah, confidence goes down. So there's so many times where I've felt my whole entire confidence and being just want to get sucked out of me and I've just been like, no, I've got to, I've got to fight for this and I got to move forward. And there's been times where it's been months where I've just been in this lull of like what can I do? This is so hectic. However, I've used the techniques, I've reminded myself of what I'm going to teach you inside this podcast and I've been able to get out of it and I've been able to summon my confidence and kick some ass. So, wherever you're at, if you're in a lull, you're going to be kicking some ass. If you're already confident, this is going to take you to the next level of confidence. So let's get into the juice, right.

Speaker 1: 7:23

So what is the definition of self-confidence? Before we figure out anything, we have to define what it is, and we can look at self-confidence by looking at the other terms of self-confidence. So when you start doing the research, you're looking in the studies. There are two other terms self-efficacy and self-esteem, because people say self-esteem is the same thing as self-confidence. I don't know what self-efficacy was until I looked at this, but people be like well, what's the difference between all of these? I'm going to tell you. So, self-efficacy is extremely important, but that refers to an individual's belief in their ability to succeed in specific situations or to accomplish a task. For example, are you confident to go to the shops and get the shopping done? Are you confident that you can get on a sales call with someone and close the deal right. It's like can I believe that I can do that in a specific task with an actual thing, right? Posting a story on social media.

Speaker 1: 8:16

Self-esteem is a person's overall sense of self-worth and personal value. So that's why someone if they have self-worth or self-esteem issues and they don't feel like they deserve to do something, they don't feel like they deserve to get here, they don't think they deserve to be a part of a group, their self-esteem is low. Someone who has high self-worth and sees themselves with a lot of respect and they say what they want and they have clear boundaries, has a high self-esteem, high self-worth. So according to Maslow as well so I don't know if you guys know Abraham Maslow, he's a famous psychologist and philosopher. He studied a lot in business schools and leadership theory there are two types of self-esteem a higher and a lower.

Speaker 1: 8:57

The lower self-esteem is derived from the respect of others. So the lower self-esteem is you get respect from other people. So when you get validation, you get approved, you get liked, you get admired is extremely important. You have to have that to have self-esteem, but that is really important. But you get it from other people. And then the higher self-esteem comes from within. That's like a deep internal knowing and you know you believe in your own self-worth and you believe in your own personal value and you have that there and you fight for it. So obviously you have to have both. What's more important? I think, clearly the higher one. However, there is a lot of study that shows, for men in particular, the lower self-esteem. Respect from other people is extremely important, which is why we need feedback all the time.

Speaker 1: 9:36

Self-confidence this is the definition for self-confidence is a more general sense of trust in one's abilities, qualities and judgment. This means that you have an own trust Like isn't this crazy guys? This is crazy, right? It's just a general trust of your own abilities and your qualities and judgment. I trust that I can go and do this. I have the skills and capability to do this. That's why we say when people are overconfident, they get into the look of, oh yeah, I could lift, lift this, or I could do this, or I can get in there, don't worry, I've got it, and then they don't got this right. That is actually a leadership diminisher called I got this energy. So, and they are, I got this thing and I suffer from that big time. Sometimes you're like I got this Hang on a minute, I don't got this. But when it comes to self-confidence, we just could be aware of being overconfident. But it's general trust in yourself, but knowing where your limits are at as well, which I think is extremely important. So the differences are self-efficacy is task specific and situational.

Speaker 1: 10:32

Self-esteem is broad, overall evaluation of yourself and self-confidence is a general belief in your abilities across a variety of situations, which comes from crushing it. Key focus Self-efficacy comes from focuses on beliefs about capabilities to perform specific actions. Self-esteem focuses on overall self-worth and self-confidence encompasses a general sense of trust in one's abilities. So this means that is what you want to focus on in order to gain this belief about yourself. And you want all of them, because self-efficacy plus self-esteem equals self-confidence. I'll repeat that again, right, if you're listening to this self-efficacy plus self-esteem equals self-confidence. So when you focus on your beliefs and capabilities to perform specific actions, then you focus on growing your overall self-worth and self-value. You will then be able to create a general sense of trust in your own abilities. Make sense, that is the hack. Knowing that, boom, hope. That's blowing your brain and you guys are like okay, I'm motivated.

Speaker 1: 11:32

So now you ask this question, it's like, okay, how do I apply this? How do I do it? How do I get more confident? Right, how do I actually do? Well, one of the most cited sources about self-confidence refers to simply believing in yourself. Is the how, okay? So another way of looking at this is that individuals trust in their own abilities, capacities and judgments, or belief that they can successfully face day-to-day challenges or demands. So it's not based on your actual ability to succeed at a task, but your belief in being able to succeed, for instance, your belief in your ability to speak in front of an audience, your belief in your ability to learn a new technology, your belief in your ability to lead a team, your belief in your ability to handle confrontation and manage conflicts, your belief in your ability to change jobs, career, exit a relationship or start a business. So it is your belief in your ability. Is the how? And then it's like, okay, well, how do we actually do that? Right is the next question.

Speaker 1: 12:28

So self-confidence also brings about more happiness. Typically, when you are confident in your abilities, you are happier due to your success. When you are feeling better about your capabilities, the more energized and motivated you are to take actions to achieve your goals. So it's like this real big circle, but we're of motivation in order to, you know, achieve our goals, and confidence plays a huge role in that. And we can develop the skill of confidence, and I'm going to teach you that at the end of this.

Speaker 1: 12:52

So make sure you stay tuned and stay like tuned into this podcast, because I'm going to teach you exactly what you can do to become more confident, right? But I want to bring up one other thing, and it's the shadow work side of confidence, because obviously, you're coming to set the standard. We're going to be talking about some painful shit, right. We're going to be a mirror to, to help you grow, so you can look at some stuff and go that's painful. I'm going to think about that, I'm going to lean into it and overcome it, right, it's kind of the essence of set the standard. Set the standard inside, set the standard so you can set the standard, bam, right.

Speaker 1: 13:20

So it comes down to this theory called terror management theory, and this theory helps you build epic amounts of confidence. And it's a darker theory that dives a bit deeper into the human experience to explain confidence, and it's based on the idea that humans hold great potential for responding with terror to the awareness of their own mortality ie dying, and that worldviews emphasize people's beliefs in their own significance as humans protect them against this terror. Terror management theory positions itself that self-esteem forms as a way to protect and buffer against anxiety and subsequently people strive for self-confidence and react negatively to anyone or anything that could undermine their beliefs in their comforting worldview. So this has been studied and show how important terror management theory is and Alan Watts talks a lot about this as well and essentially what it means is that's looking at your own death, looking at your own mortality. You know, when you see like clips and reels of people saying like man, I'm thinking of David Goggins here, but there's quite a few other people that have the exact same theory and it's David Goggins said this.

Speaker 2: 14:28

He's like man when I was getting to the end of my life and I'll sit there and I get to God and the pearly gates and all things. And he says I get there and I'm like this is me, david Goggins. And then it gets this list of all the things that I could have been. And then God looks back at me and he's like you've done so much more.

Speaker 1: 14:47

It's like that's the shit that I want. So that's like what David Goggins says is you know, when he gets to the end of his life he doesn't want to get to, when God says, hey, these are all the things you could have been, and been like shit I could have been that he wants to crush that list. Friedrich Nietzsche talks about the same thing. Before the end of your days, you meet a demon sitting on a tree stump and the demon says to you all right, this is what's going to happen. When you see me, you're going to live the rest of your life up until this point on repeat, for all eternity. Do you run away screaming with joy? Or do you run away screaming, thinking, oh no, I have to live in this eternity? And he puts that into serious practice of like, think about that. Like if you had to live your life up until this point millions of times and you had to run and repeat, like watching the same movie, like, what would you think about it? Right, and I hit it. So you hear this theory a lot, and a lot of people talk about this and I believe that a lot of people get to the same position, because it's just terror management theory is is what it is. So it's seriously thinking about it and looking at it, which is why we have some exercises in set the standard, some of the first exercises we get men to do when they come in. We have these personal development exercises where they face this and they look at it, and they have to do these journaling practices if they're speaking at their own funeral and all these other things that we have that we've created, that men are like man. This shit is insane to look at. I've never thought about my life this way and I haven't ever moved forward. So what we're doing is we're creating some hardcore self-esteem and boundaries and people and be able to give themselves confidence, which we can see. So my invitation for you watching this or listening to this is to make sure that you do that, like it's so important. So what else can you do about it? Right? So one is shadow work, so you can do a journal situation of you can say you know you can do that same journaling process as david goggins. What do I want to see at the end of my life when someone reads out to me like what I most want and what I'd be proud to have achieved versus what's the worst, right? You can do another journaling exercise for shadow work, and this is mapping out your heaven and hell.

Speaker 1: 16:52

If you remained who you are right now and that didn't change for the next 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, and you write out what that looks like, what does your life look like If you'll start being the best version of yourself? Look now and you start journaling, you know, from the next 5, 10, 15, 20, 30, 40 years, from now, 50, 60, what does your life look like? Are you happy with that? That's another one. You can also ask other questions like why am I alive? And other challenging questions about yourself. But simply just going through a writing process so you can look at it, so your brain can make the connection, can honestly change everything and make you feel so much more confident and so much more. There'd be so much more motivation to set in boundaries and work on your own self-esteem and work on your own self-worth, because you can see it and you're like whoa, my potential is right. There is right there, let's go. And that's why you know, instead of standing, we create a community so that you can be held accountable. I'm not promoting, set the standard. I'm using us as an example. By the way, I'm not like get in there and join it If you want to enjoy it. I'm assuming you just would.

Speaker 1: 17:53

So second point achieve small goals. So when you're around your house with cleanliness, healthy eating, exercise, make sure you achieve them. Make sure that you're proud of what's around you and how you do it. It cultivates self-belief. Just the small things making the bed, putting this away, making sure you're doing this, like whatever the small tasks are that you know you're supposed to be doing. It's focusing the effort to hit them If you can't do them.

Speaker 1: 18:16

Everyone knows this theory and it's start at one, forgive yourself for the rest and just slowly get better every single day. So I'm starting to get ready to prep right To get shredded as hell. And my first habit that, before I even start my diet, is weighing myself every day and putting into my app. That's my very first habit. My next habit that I start is I will start measuring out my food and counting all my calories and when I start doing that, I'm like cool. That's the second habit that I'll put in, and then the third habit is all right. Once that's done, my third habit is weekly. I start looking at my progress. That's it, like that's it, and that's how you get shredded. Right. There you go, guys. That's how you get shredded. You didn't realize it, but doing those little things make you feel confident and believe in yourself about being able to complete the task or the program.

Speaker 1: 19:00

Another one create up one method to get positive every single day. That could be positive affirmations, gratitude, or a video that you created talking about your future self. Affirmations, gratitude, or a video that you created talking about your future self. So studies show that being grateful once a day increases happiness by 20%. How insane, right? So one method of positivity daily is super important. Model someone who is confident and has achieved what you have achieved. Like, become a fan. Like, follow someone who inspires you and do what they do. Ask them questions, questions, become their friend, help their business grow, try to work for them and model what they do so that you can become like them, which extremely important. Remove yourself from seeing negative people and fight to get into higher quality circles. This is extremely self-explanatory and it's a lot harder. It's a lot easier said than done, but we all know that it's got to be done. This is all about how you increase confidence and self-esteem.

Speaker 1: 19:58

Exposure to challenges, sign up for a challenge and compete it. When I mentioned beforehand competing in bodybuilding, competition was the first taste and lick to get me out of so insecure, depressed and anxious into becoming God mode, and I would compete again and I would compete again and I kept competing again. And every time I competed in a fitness competition I had this belief like, wow, I can really do anything. If I can go through this, this challenge that is so difficult and hard, I can do anything. Gave me the confidence. Start my podcast, start my business, do the rest of it right. So, whatever that is, sign up for it. Marathon, half marathon, high rocks, challenges like whatever. It is, just excited. You're not signing up to something for the sake of doing the task and you do not have to like the task. The whole process is to do something challenging and difficult, to complete it. The purpose is to do hard shit.

Speaker 1: 20:48

Why can't we suffer and find enjoyment through suffering? That is what the Buddha preaches, that is what a lot of religious texts preaches, and we either choose our own suffering or suffering chooses us. Choose our own suffering or suffering chooses us. You want to make sure you choose that. Expose yourself to challenges, develop new skills and dedicate a significant chunk of time to them. This is a new language, public speaking, a sport, business skills, technology skills, cooking skills, like whatever it is. Every time you learn a new skill that you can use immediately, you feel so much better about yourself.

Speaker 1: 21:19

Set high standards for yourself and fight for them. What that looks like is doing a little bit of a self-audit for yourself is what feels off right now? What doesn't feel good? What am I experiencing? Resistance to Okay? What standards do I want to create around these? What standards do I need to make sure that I do not experience these as much? Once you set your standards, you've got to fight for them, be held accountable for them, ask people, talk to people. But if you do not set standards and you don't fight for them, you lose them. You'd end up just talking shit, being like oh, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this thing, blah, blah, blah. You're better off being silent. You're better off thinking about your goals and figuring things out before telling anyone. Develop the habit, develop the routine, develop the fight for something and then stick to your word, because that is going to increase your confidence like nothing before.

Speaker 1: 22:14

Last one. Seek feedback regularly. So important for self-esteem, self-efficacy and self-confidence. Because you may not know your worth, you may not know your own self-esteem right, you may not know your confidence to do a challenge or a task. And then someone might tell you you know the task that you did, you're really good at that. Somebody like, wow, like I'd pay you so much money for that thing, you're excellent at this skill. And immediately you start feeling, seeking feedback and feeling better about yourself, or even this you're not as good at that skill as what you think you should invest in yourself because you get you get so much better Some constructive feedback. You go, wow, I'm really humbled right now and that's awesome because now I can make a move to something where I can feel good instead of feeling lost, thinking that I'm doing okay, knowing that I'm actually not. We don't want to beat around the bush, so to do that, you can join communities like Set the Standard or another community, whatever it is. It's up to you so that you can learn about yourself regularly and be held accountable.

Speaker 1: 22:58

People need feedback. One thing that I do all the time with all of my friends, all of my mentors, is I seek feedback all the time. I'm like tell me about me. Can I ask a question about me? And sometimes I may do it a little bit too much, which may be annoying, so be it. However, I'm learning about myself so much so I can get to the next level, so I can be a better friend, so I can be a better leader, so I can be a better partner. In all those different ways it's so critical to be asking and seeking feedback.

Speaker 1: 23:22

So now you've got no excuse to go out there and get confident as hell. You've got the practical tools. You know the difference between self-efficacy, self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-efficacy task-based, specific Bang. Self-esteem overall belief in your own self-worth and value. Self-confidence a general belief in your own abilities. I believe in my ability to Bang, do whatever. So if you love this, please share this with someone. If you want to get into Set the Stand, you want to join a community of high-performing men to level up, become more confident, be held accountable and actually achieve your goals in all areas, come and join Set the Standard or come to one of our retreats. You'll get your absolute mind blown during those. And if not thank you so much for tuning in and listening. Please listen to the podcast. I'll be putting out five a day at the moment, depending on when you're listening. No, not five a day, five a week, depending on when you're listening to this. Thank you so much for listening. I love you guys so much. Thanks for your attention, you winners, and I'll see you in the next one.