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Corey Boutwell Podcast
How To Tell If They’re (You’re) A Control Freak #243
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For many people, it's rooted in your childhood trauma or childhood experiences, and it was for me. Stop being such a damn control freak, guys. So welcome back to the Corey Babwell Podcast, and today I'm going to be talking about how to stop being a control freak, understand how, if other people are control freaks or not, and what you can do to essentially stop being a control freak yourself and also, like, prevent control freaks from getting all up in your business, right. So essentially like, yeah, if you, if you don't want to not be a control freak, then don't listen this podcast. Like, keep going on. Like.
Speaker 1:I personally have believed that this is such a powerful topic and I really wanted to talk to you guys about this, because the harsh reality of being a control freak is that I've had to deal with it big time and I believe that most people have some sort of control freak ism, unless they're a super passive person where their control fitness is a little bit on the back seat. However, it still flares up and comes up and you know anyone who wants to be a high performing entrepreneur, you want to do well in your life, you want to have a great relationship, we it's so easy to the fall into the trap of being a control freak and it does serve us, which is one thing that's so annoying, especially people when they first get into business or they first start their own. Like the job or career that they want to have is like. They're like oh, they get so desperate and excited to make sure that it happens, especially when people first find their purpose, and you want to make this vision come to life, so you try to fit everything that you do into this box of this reality in this way that it should look like, and when it doesn't go that way, you're like well, it's supposed to look this way. How can I manipulate and control everyone and everything in my life to make sure that this happens? So, essentially, if you don't know how to opt in, to like, opt out of being a control freak, then you essentially suffer massive stress, like consistent stress.
Speaker 1:You know, I was always on edge, feeling like everything had to go exactly as planned and if it didn't, I just spiral into anxiety. I'd be like shit. There's this picture that I want everything to look like and if it didn't look like that, how it was supposed to go, everything's breaking down, two damaged relationships, so like my need for control pushed people away. I became someone who was difficult to be around, stressing others out and making them feel uncomfortable, which is like the last thing I wanted to do. And then business failures. So my obsession with control stunted my business growth.
Speaker 1:I was too confused and focused on making sure everything was perfect and perfectionism, by the way, isn't. I learned this recently. Perfectionism isn't. I have to make this thing look perfect. Perfectionism is actually a symptom of I have. I want to avoid doing certain tasks. So when we want to avoid doing certain tasks, that's like us trying to be perfectionistic because we get scared that we're not going to meet the standards of what we want, so like, let's avoid doing all these tasks. That means you've got perfectionism, which led to me having missed opportunities and actually feeling burnout, like I know.
Speaker 1:Some people say that you're not burnout, you're just tired or like what is this whole thing talking about? Burnout? I? My opinion, in my terminology of burnout, is that the inspiration and motivation that you once had has been completely depleted. You've been relying on discipline for a while and now discipline is starting to wear off. That is my definition of burnout and so far I like it the best because it's mine and I think it's from what I've looked at, it's the most accurate. It's like inspiration, motivation have gone and discipline is starting to wear thin. So what I need to do with my life is actually increase some soul juice. So it's just a little hack and a point there which I think is very powerful.
Speaker 1:If you don't and you you may suffer. If you don't like, if you want to opt out of being, if you don't know how to opt out of being a control freak, then you also may suffer no fulfillment and a loss of your own potential, which is your life, stops being fun, which is that lack of inspiration, motivation and a constant worry and a need for control sucks the enjoyment out of everything. That's what happened to me and then leaving me feeling stuck and frustrated. And again, no one wanted to be around me, because I'm so frustrated and agitated and it's so difficult to be around Like my partner's like, oh my God, like, get away from me. You need to go be by yourself.
Speaker 1:But as a control freak and a nice guy and a people pleaser, I didn't want to be by myself. I was too scared to be alone, which adds into your own control freakness, because it's like you need that space. You need that time to be more present and be a more conscious version of yourself. But if you're scared, then it just removes everything away from that, and it isn't until you go away and have some isolation, alone time. They're like like, hmm, I've got my back and I proved it to myself. But when you don't, and the need for validation is at an all-time high, you try to control everything, which is not good. So this is my story. I'll tell you, like my story of how I got to this point and how my need for control developed and how I started to break free from it, because I think this is going to be extremely beneficial for you guys, listening to this, and not just from your own personal growth, understanding how you're a control freak, but also understanding other people, because I think there needs to be a lot of grace and reverence for people who are control freaks, and this conversation is extremely important because it's what's going to help them, help you, and help them become a better version of themselves. So I think we all have a moral obligation and a duty to make sure that we do that.
Speaker 1:So, growing up, I didn't realize that my control issues stemmed from my parents, like my mom, became a control freak after my dad cheated on her and her dad passed away at the same time. So she essentially tried to get all of her masculinity from me during that time and she had this need for safety and certainty and projected it onto me. So she was basically in panic and freak out and overwhelm mode all the time and that's what I were associated with. This is normal, okay, like this is normal and it's supposed to be like this. And essentially because there was so much chaos, I didn't like the chaos, I didn't like the pain and it lasted for a long time. Essentially, for me, at the age of 15, when that happened until the age of around 25, it was like I associated the age of 15. When that happened until the age of around 25, it was like I associated like that whole 10 years. It's just pure pain.
Speaker 1:So when there's chaos, breakups, you're not getting the love, you're not getting validation, you're not getting approval. It means 10 years of pain. So for me it's like very hard to, you know, lean into, lean into that and be, you know, uncomfortable. It's basically I'm only comfortable in the chaos, and chaos for me, when I'm feeling comfortable was like, okay, when I'm feeling pain and chaos, I'm like, how can I control everything to get control back? That's when motivation comes in, like negative motivation, like approval comes in validation. How can I control this situation? Be safe as possible, because it's pure chaos. I need to get my own safety. So I'm going to change everything in my life and try to manipulate everything. I'm going to go here, do this, talk to this person, try to manipulate them to this, try to get this person to approve of me or confirm that I'm enough. And all of that is just a need for control, because it's like I'm unsafe. So what happens is a bit of a paradox is when you're doing that and you're trying to get safe all the time and had this need for approval, and you're in that state from pain as it's never. It never is enough. And when it's never enough, what happens? You create more chaos around your life. So then you just have this never-ending stopping like like a never-ending cycle of needing to feel approved and feel safe.
Speaker 1:Um, it was unfair, but also parts of it were really useful, because it also shaped me into becoming extremely organized, extremely structured and very aware of time, even though time is a devil for me as well. So as a result of that upbringing and, you know, having that relationship with the feminine, with dad not being around as much before I moved in with him, so I moved in with him at the age of like 16 and that was a whole different ball game and everything just like flipped on its head. But before that I'd gain these tensities for being overly empathetic, overly sensitive and overly sympathetic, which means I would personally buy into victim mindset. So and that makes you feel scarce, that makes you feel like you're not in control and you need to gain it right and you can gain it through. Any time I won something, or I felt superior, or I did something that was great, or I I beat someone at something. Well, that would fuel my ego and I'm like, oh, I'm safe when I'm bigger, when I'm winning, when I'm on top, when I've achieved something. So this need for achievement that makes me feel like bigger and better helps me feel like I'm in control and I'm calm. So anytime I'm not winning, I'm not in control, I'm not the biggest, I'm not the loudest, I'm not the one who has the most attention, that means like I'm not in control and I'm unsafe. So I have this need for always trying to get it, which always felt like, you know, there was something wrong with me and I had to prove myself constantly to gain that approval. So it was just as constant seeking of validation which made me believe that. You know, being loud or being the center of attention, you know, if the thing, if I wasn't being loud or being the center of attention and it wasn't going according to my plan, boom, see you later. Safety. So eventually I realized that being a control freak wasn't serving me. So it took a while. It was literally pretty much this year and it was driving people away and making me miserable. So I knew I had to change. But I didn't know how to do it until I started digging deeper, like and digging deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. That's, like.
Speaker 1:One of the beautiful things about self-growth and personal development is. It is, you know, I wouldn't say it is for absolutely everyone, because you have to face all of these dark things about yourself consistently for the rest of your life and you have to deal with all these childhood traumas and patterns and like, consist, like. It never ends right. It is this never-ending process which a lot of people find very difficult and challenging. I like to think for me being a bit sadistic in that way every time that I have to face something that's challenging or this dark truth about myself and I'm like fuck it's me, you know what I mean. And having to take total responsibility for everything can be so dark at some times and just realizing shit about yourself. But at the end of it, like the light at the tunnel, I find is so, so rewarding. It's like climbing to the top of the mountain. So if you haven't started personal development and self-growth journey, I always tell people before they join the community, like for some people I'm like this is going to be one of the most uncomfortable things that you've ever done. Are you ready to jump in? Because I don't want to work with people and people join set the standard who aren't willing to face those dark parts about themselves. Like some people are super exciting and I believe that they're the ones who get to the top in the end. But if people just like cruising and don't want to face that stuff, it's like keep it, like stay there, because it's it is an entire challenge to get there.
Speaker 1:So essentially, being a control freak is a trauma response to try to fit your ideal reality into a picture. Essentially, you've got this idea and then you have life happening and then you have this picture. You're always living in the life happening situation because you're focusing on the past or the future. What happens is you have an idea, you have an attachment to a scenario of what it should look like, and then you freak out when it doesn't go your way. Then you manipulate and control everything to make it look like the picture that you've envisioned in your mind, right? So that's essentially the process of what makes up a control freak. If you're listening to this and you're like, oh, that is definitely me, right? It's like well, yes, so we're all scared of feeling negative emotions and losing something that we care about, or or not good enough, right, we all have that.
Speaker 1:But control freaks feel that on like a level that's been attached to some sort of trauma. They don't have to have a crazy amount of trauma. It's not like you have to have, you know, beaten up by parents or something when you're a kid for trauma to occur. Trauma happens in the micro moments where you may have submitted a test to someone that you tried your best at as a teacher at school and the teacher just looked at you and just went wow, this is nowhere near as good as what you usually do, bam, you've just been invigorated with trauma. So everyone's trauma happens regardless and it's going to happen in some pattern, shape or form. And if you're not aware and you think there's nothing big happened to you, it's micro things that happen that create some trauma. And then some people experience trauma and shame. We don't experience trauma, but they experience shame around not having trauma which starts to, you know, ignite their nervous system in a negative way. So we're always working on this, right, we're always working on this. So this is what I learned through my journey and the tools that helped me start to overcome the control freak like inside of me.
Speaker 1:Number one, which is perfectionism, is an illusion, and mentioning that that's that avoidance part, is perfectionism is an illusion. I'm mentioning that. That's that avoidance part, right. Perfectionism is I want to avoid from doing the work because it's scary, because if I achieve it, then I have no idea, like what's going to happen in my life Holy shit, look at my power or if I fail, then I'm going to feel rejected. So perfectionism is unattainable. The more you chase it, the more you stress and disappoint yourself and the more disappointment you'll create for yourself. So letting go of the need for everything to be perfect means committing to trust and trusting yourself, the process and those around you.
Speaker 1:I had my entire body just like get riddled with pins and needles and it felt like I had this, you know, warm flush over my entire body when I had the moment to realize that, like you're on the path you always have been and you always will be, trust is uncertainty, which comes to my next point. It's like it's being comfortable in uncertainty. So, number two embrace the uncertainty is the next point. So people who are control freaks hate uncertainty. Now, some people predominantly the feminine, I realize get turned on by uncertainty because uncertainty is just spontaneity, which means like you get to do this new thing and you're not sure what's happening, but you're just going with the flow. If you know what I mean. Oh, the river wants to take me that way. I'm gonna go that way before I get back on path and just enabling that to happen so that when you get back to the river, you have a stronger and better flow. You know what I mean. There's more water coming, like maybe you went and like opened up a new channel and now there's more water and sustenance and life force rushing down the river. It's embracing uncertainty, which is chaos is inevitable.
Speaker 1:So trying to control every aspect of your life only leads to more anxiety. So learn to navigate uncertainty with confidence, knowing that not everything needs to be under your control. So that's part of the skill. It's just having this acceptance and this emotional intelligence to let go of just being like, okay, this is an uncertain moment and that's completely okay, it's not supposed to go how it's supposed to go right now. I can let go and allow it to happen and then, when we get to come back to something, I can use my will or get closer to my goal or maybe this is what's helping me get to closer to the goal that I see for myself. You're right and then accept that life is unpredictable and that's okay.
Speaker 1:The key to adapt and pivot when things don't go as planned. So the best thing with uncertainty is having confidence in your skill to pivot, which is actually self-esteem, self-efficacy and confidence all in one, which means it's like I trust in my own abilities, regardless of the situation, to cope. So people can think that they're confident because they can talk to people. People think that they're confident because they're all right speaking in front of a camera. However, true confidence you can test someone how confident they are when, if everything in their life sort of goes to shit, and if they have this self-belief and this self-efficacy and the self-esteem about themselves and they believe in their ability to, you know, show up, then they're not going to be as worried, they're not going to be as freak out, they're not going to be as stressed, they're not going to feel as overwhelmed. They'll be oh, I've got this, I've got the skills and I figure everything out, it's going to be okay, a beautiful place to be in, right and being appreciative like, wow, this is the way things supposed to go.
Speaker 1:For example, I have been in the shoes and I know a lot of people be in the shoes that when you're going through a breakup, it is like the hardest, most freak out time of your life, especially if you've wrapped your identity up in someone, and that makes it so challenging when they turn around and say I don't know if this is going to work. I don't want to do this and I think that breaking up is going to be the best option for us. It probably is the best option for you guys and you may break up for a period of time or break up forever. But if you can have the experience of like this, I'm so uncertain right now and all I can do in this situation is commit to the best version of myself and I'm going to go along with the flow and allow this process to happen, because this relationship probably had to die anyway, and if I don't allow space and I don't allow time, that's going to prevent from the river, you know, reconnecting back or going down a completely new path, because you may realize that, okay, that relationship actually wasn't serving me and I was just buying into it because of you know all the stories that I created around my head, that I'm attached and that I need it because that's the picture that I created for myself was with this person. So now I have this picture and it's not working.
Speaker 1:Freak out, hello, mr control freak, mr Control Freak, mrs Control Freak coming up again. So to get over this is the next point is you have to understand the root causes. So take the time to reflect on where your need for control comes from. For many people, it's rooted in your childhood trauma or childhood experiences. It was for me and when you identify the roots and you can go back and you go oh, this happened from my parents and this thing, and this is why I am how I. Then it loses control, like it takes, like the control freakness is starting to disappear and dissolve away and you're starting to actually gain control back, being in less control, right? So that is a critical tool and technique. If you don't know how to do that, it's like journaling hire a coach, join a program, talk to friends about it Like that's really it and you have to have you know. Let me understand where this pattern comes from, because our children and our children's children are going to be bosses at this and we have to set the standard for them. So then they will not have to go through a course or a program on how to understand this. They'll be having those conversations just with their friends, you know, at the playground, like, oh yeah, like I experienced some trauma today from mom and dad and like I'm already trying to like figure it out, that is the conversation that kids are going to be having as they grow up, which is absolutely fantastic, but they aren't going to be able to have that unless we figure it out first, so we really get to create this elite species of the new people coming up, new children, and how powerful they can become through our conversations. It's incredible.
Speaker 1:Next point is being able to communicate your feelings and express your emotions. So it's important to articulate when you're feeling uncomfortable about not being in control and admitting it, even though it feels scary to so. It's letting others know that you're working on this aspect of yourself. You can go, oh, you might say like I'm feeling uncomfortable right now. I'm trying to control this whole process and I'm working on being trust, but I'm still leaving guys and I'm activated right now and, yeah, I'm in a bit of a freak out and I don't know what to do about it. So I'm just trying to calm down or I need a minute. Any of those words or that type of language is perfect and that's that's just having open communication and that's not projecting your control onto other people, just admitting. Hey, I'm just like I'm feeling activated. I need to throw a bit of attention. Right now I'm trying to control everything and I apologize for trying to control everything, or sorry for making that about me all the time. I just have this need for approval that I'm trying to let go of right. That amount of vulnerability is true strength that makes other people trust you and want to be around you more. It's the opposite of what's happening when you're a control freak.
Speaker 1:The next point and we're almost there. We've got a couple more points and we're done, guys. So really take this on board, because these are some amazing tools that you can use in the real world. So the next one is develop emotional intelligence. So start becoming more aware of your emotions, which is labeling and catching your emotions in real time and being able to also admit them. But it's the ability. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize your emotions and then be able to convey them. So notice when you're feeling the urge to control the situation and practice techniques like deep breathing so you can just like when I feel angry. Remember one of the first times I was talking to my partner, when I got really angry in a relationship with her, I just took a second to breathe and I just grabbed the steering wheel. I was like I am so angry right now and I'm trying to control myself. I need a few minutes. And just by saying that it was the first time she'd ever heard it, she went like whoa, you know what I mean, and that's being comfortable enough to not allow your emotions to control you admit that they're there, grounding yourself and mention them. It's the same thing as well when you're feeling joy or heightened experience too. It's like being able to go.
Speaker 1:I'm feeling, I'm experiencing so much pleasure and some joy and some gratitude right now, the more you can increase the capacity of the emotions that you can feel from the negative ones, allowing yourself to feel them. I'm feeling grief right now. I'm super sad. I need to buy by myself. I need to be by myself because I need to cry. Well, I actually need a hug. I know I don't want to. A lot of men don't do this right. Like I'm sad and I'm upset and someone's like do you want to hug? And you're like, fuck, yeah, I want to hug, but you think I gotta be the man. No, I don't need a hug. So, being a man, that situation is just like you're just grabbing someone and hugging them. You know what I mean. Like, oh, I needed this so bad and I'm feeling a lot of grief right now. And then, when you're feeling joy and expression with your friends, like I'm so happy right now, I'm so grateful, I'm experiencing so much, so many positive emotions. Thank you, you know what I mean. So being able to communicate like that is increasing your emotional bandwidth, which makes you a lot more attractive and starts to negate the control freak about you, makes you more attractive person to be around as a leader, a friend and a lover. So extremely important.
Speaker 1:The next one is time management. So for me, with my control freakness is I became a slave to time, like anything wasn't going ahead on time. I'd freak the hell out, which would end up making me rush right, and then I'd rush. What would happen when I started rushing? I'd start losing time because I wasn't prepared to organize enough, because I have to get all these things done right now and it's like you actually can't get them done right now. Sorry, you have to own that about yourself. Do it tomorrow, right, create some space and create some more time to do it at a different time which is going to suit better for you, because right now you actually can't do it and you rushing is just going to make you run late to the next thing, late to the next thing, and then you're always going to be behind gross. So I had a massive addiction and I felt like if I didn't manage all time perfectly, it fell apart. So I had to let go of this by recognizing that, like time, you know, isn't always going to be on my side, and to focus on what I can control.
Speaker 1:So for me it's a consistent practice of going over my calendar, grouping my tasks together, because for me I can't do multiple things at once, like some people I know can. Like you know, for me my job is a lot of social media, so I can post stories, I can eat food, they can, like, do a little bit of work here, they can go for a walk, they can do something do a little bit of work there. That that doesn't work for me. I need like four to five hours of one task, like this whole morning. I wrote this script out by voice recording what I wanted to say this morning, and in notes and I put it into chat gpt, I highlighted my notes and then I rewrote like the entire email out um that I'm going to send on this specific topic and that's taken me, like most of the morning to get to here as well as, like, get a coffee and, you know, have breakfast. So I'm like my whole morning is dedicated to making sure I've got emails written down and I'm going to do this podcast. I don't want to think about anything else, right? If I think about anything else, I get distracted, this doesn't get done. I fall behind. So for me it's like I need every another large chunk of time to get these done.
Speaker 1:I can't do lots of minimal tasks all at once, like let's just do the main ones that you might see in my instagram stories. Sometimes I'll post and I'm like these are my to-do's for the day, that's it, I don't do anything else. It could be like eight dot points, you know. You know what I mean, but like it's like oh, check in this reply to one-on-ones, write a podcast script, write for a while, go to the gym, get a coffee and have a coaching call, right, that's all I'm doing for the day, like, nothing else. Like that is my script. Writing is my main task for the whole, done today. Then the rest of the things that have already been organized in my calendar else, um, really important, especially with time, time management and committing to that practice when it works best for you.
Speaker 1:And then breath and presence. So being aware of your breath right and being able to engage in presence. So whenever you feel the urge to control, it's like taking a moment to breathe, get back in your body and ground yourself like it is a part of emotional intelligence, but it is its own thing and having it as a skill in the back of your mind and practicing it increases the muscle for your own breath and presence. So remind yourself that the situation that you're experiencing is part of your growth journey. Don't project your need for control onto others. Creates an unsafe environment and the practice of breath and remaining present prevents the need to dominate situations out of fear. So, when it comes to being present, another word for this is I like to use the word intimacy.
Speaker 1:So being present is any moment that you have with someone and you can just mention like, let's say, for example, you just started acting like a control freak and you go. I'm so sorry, I started to control everything, I was scared about this situation and now it's come up. I just want to get really present with you. What we're actually focusing on is achieving this goal, so let's just focus on that one. I'm sorry I went on a tangent. Just being able to get present like that with someone and shifting your energy and your voice and your focus is so powerful because people go, whoa, this is what we're focusing on right now. And then also being able to do that yourself. So, like before even jumping on this, I like to go live on my Instagram feed and have a bit of a chat about what I'm talking about today. First, it's like a practice that really helps me to start to get present with an audience before I speak to a camera, because if I just speak to a camera going off the bat straight away, sometimes I feel like I'll have to center myself, control my breath and then, all right, let's go and speak from here.
Speaker 1:So being able to get present and focus on being present, I believe, is an extremely powerful tool. To get present and focus on being present, I believe is an extremely powerful. Extremely powerful tool to get rid of the fear and all of the control and all of the negative emotions that are being experienced when you're in a state of being a control freak. So if this resonates with you, I challenge you to start applying these tools today. Like it's a process, but it's definitely one that's worth the effort, and remember that overcoming your control freak mindset, your control freakness, is all about. It isn't just about changing your behaviors. It's about becoming a strong and present leader. It all comes from this past stuff that we want to integrate.
Speaker 1:So, if you found this useful, please follow the podcast or follow the youtube channel, subscribe to my email list or come and join set the standard. If you want to work on this as a podcast listener listener, you guys get a cheeky discount. You can just dm me and you can get 10 off joining set the stand. You can come into our community, work on this. Be around. Strong, powerful men are having these conversations every single week. We're having conversations multiple times a week. We have four group coaching calls every week. You can come and you can just learn to become the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1:So, if not, keep following and listening along and send this podcast to someone who you think would really benefit from it. So thank you, guys, so much. Thank you for the support on this journey, thank you for being absolutely incredible and taking the time to work on being the best version of yourself, because what I believe comes from this is you're actually making generational change. We are impacting the world through the lessons and the tools that we are learning here and we're genuinely contributing, and I believe we have an obligation to do so. I want our children and our friends to live the most abundant, happiest, fulfilling life, and I want to experience every single emotion that there is under the sun, and I know you do too. Thank you for listening. See you in the next one. Oh yeah, hope you guys found that beneficial. Get rid of being a control freak baby, because that is.