Stop Sacrificing Yourself For "Success" [instead do this...] #245

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Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome
• 5:14 Identifying and Overcoming Nice Guy Traits

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Just to let you know that's initially scary as hell, but it's also so helpful. Third tip this is the most important one. Welcome back to another podcast, and today I'm going to be talking to you guys about no More Mr Nice Guy. Recently I had the author of the book on my podcast and I've learned so much about being a nice guy, being anxiously attached, wanting to be a leader and being a manipulator in relationships, and I'm going to share with you guys today the main tools and tips that I learned from reading the book and a bunch of other books that have brought me a lot of fulfillment and a lot of gratitude and, honestly, have made me feel on fire. I've been on fire the past few weeks and most of it is because of the self growth. Self growth that I am allowing myself to experience, and a lot of this come from just learning new things about myself. It's so interesting because we preach this in the set standard community and it's all the. You want to be big in business. You want to have a great relationship. You want to be, you know, fitness, jacked as possible and consistent discipline. You want to have fulfilling relationships with people like friendships. You want to go travel the world. You know, we always find that whatever prevents you from getting to the next step is always some sort of thing that you don't know about yourself. You get some sort of self-improvement or personal growth that you haven't gone through, that you don't understand. And when you do understand, you get exactly what you want. So check this out.

Speaker 1: 1:29

I'm going to tell you, guys, a little bit of personal story real quickly. I was that guy growing up known as the nice guy. You know that older girls should date. My mum used to tell me oh, any girl would be lucky to have you, corey, any girl would be lucky to have you. Oh, you're such a nice guy. Don't treat men, don't treat women like your father treats me was the common thing that I heard from my mom. Do not treat men like your father treats me. Treat them better, be nicer to them. Make sure you do this. Be really nice. Don't do them your dad's not a good example as a partner. Make sure you treat them like this or whatever it is, and oh well, at least you're nice like this, not like your father. You know things like that that they would say, which start ingraining lessons in your brain which I would say is not the healthiest and essentially what happened was anytime that I tried to chase women.

Speaker 1: 2:13

This is growing up right? This is when I'm 12 years old, 13 years old. I remember I used to sing, dance and act when I was a kid, so there was an abundance of girls and there was times where I'd be sitting on a couch. I'm not kidding, I'm like 12, 13 years old. I have we're just laying in our clothes watching a movie with some. I've got one girl laying in between my legs. I've got one girl laying on one side of, like the right hand side of me, like laying on me on the couch. I'm laying on my side. I've got another girl like two girls sitting in front of me and one like behind me scratching my head and they're all like touching me and I was like I am in God mode. Right now. I'm 12, 13 years old and I am living the dream.

Speaker 1: 2:49

But then, whenever I wanted one of the girls and I wanted to get one, make one of them my girlfriend I started developing feelings for one of them because I was like you're amazing, got rejected, got straight rejected. I was like man, what is going on here? And I always found that the case like why is it whenever I truly want a girl, I get rejected? Then I went from having so much attention, from singing, dancing and acting, being around girls all the time, to growing up, going to town, getting like, working like a normal job, and I was like, wow, this is a lot harder than normal. When I was the king of the dance class, like area and vibes, like it was like every I got attention from every single girl. I had really high status and high value. Now I'm out in a place where no one knows who I am, um, and they, they don't know, they don't know me. So they're like what is your value and where is it? Had none, right, I had some there because I was, uh, one of the like. I was one of the best dancers, right, I was one of the best dancers, one of the oldest, most mature, and I was one of the guys that had muscles and, you know, I could talk to all the girls. So you know. And then you get into the real world and it's like, well, you know, you get 18, 19. It's like, have you got any going on here? Right, and then whenever I got close in a relationship with someone, after that I'd bail Whenever I got close and I didn't feel committed.

Speaker 1: 4:13

I'm out, like catch you later. I would avoid and I wouldn't talk about anything and be like, oh, how can I make this? Like, how can I get out of this relationship? And most of the time I to get out of the relationship, it would be how can I make this person end it with me so that I don't have to end it Like so soft? Right, those end game was terrible.

Speaker 1: 4:32

One thing that you learn about in the book no More, mr Nice Guy is are you a good ender, yes or no? And getting to later twenties, it was like, okay, yes, I can start to do this now, but early twenties, there was like no chance. And I believe that there's a lot of men who get to their fifties, sixties and they still have got like they're no good on the end game, right. So when I got close, I bail. Then, whenever I felt committed, like whenever I felt truly committed, I'm like wow, I'm committed to this one, they'd leave and I was like, ah, what is wrong with me? Right, that sentence. What is wrong with me is just shame. So I'm just like dumping shame on myself. So interesting. And I was today, years old, when I found out what truly being a nice guy actually meant. Right, and what it means is you're not really a nice guy.

Speaker 1: 5:14

You disguise yourself as a nice guy, you have all of these traits underneath you that are filled with resentment and bitterness and you feel unjust and that the world isn't good enough for you. Or it's like oh, how come all these things happen to me? It's very victim sort of mindset and you're like why has nothing ever worked out the way I do? And I'm going to try and make the world how I want, and you become quite mean, right, you become quite mean, quite controlling, and it's done in a very seductive, slippery way where people don't really realize that until they're like a year into relationship with you and they're like I don't like this guy anymore. And you're like damn it, right. So this is what nice guys are.

Speaker 1: 5:52

They're the blokes who do everything for their partners, cause if I do everything for her, then she's never going to want to leave me. If I do everything for her, then she's going to want to sleep with me. It's the same in gay relationships as well. They think that they're a catch to any woman. Like the guys, they think that they're a catch, like, oh, I must be a catch because you know, I'm a nice guy, I can be a loyal, I can be um can't keep a partner. They're also the guys who end up in the middle to the upper middle class in terms of finances and they can't break through into the next level of wealth on average, right, they can't break through because their manipulation, how they try to control the world, prevents them from developing great relationships in regards to leadership and the next, next, next, next, very interesting relationships in regards to leadership, and the next, next, next, next, very interesting.

Speaker 1: 6:47

So, if you'll remain exhausted, overwhelmed and stuck, then don't listen to the rest of this podcast. Right, you can turn this one off here, but if you want to be a stud, then listen on, because it's simple how to stop being a nice guy. It's simple, like the actual process of it doesn't mean that it's not hard to do, right, it's simple knowing it, but it is challenging and it doesn't it's not going to happen overnight, right, it takes a long period of time of like, consistent integration and what you must know like, and to start to integrate and to get rid of being a nice guy, you must know three things One is what the traits are, two, when the traits started and three, why they started. So I'll give you an example of one of mine real quickly. So one of mine is that as a nice guy, I'd do everything for my partner and then when she'd start like biting back consistently and consistently is I'd raise my voice. I'm like, okay, what is that trait? Okay, okay, I raise my voice when I feel fear, I'm not getting like enough, where I feel like my partner's going to leave me or they're going to attack me.

Speaker 1: 7:43

When did that start? When I was a kid, okay, why did that start? When I was a kid? Like a young, like real young, like six, seven years old. Okay, why did that start? Well, my mom used to drink a little bit too much. She'd get really angry and aggressive towards me, so I would have to raise my voice to protect myself. So when I experienced the feminine coming at me, and it's like consistently coming at me, it's like I had this old school habit for me where I'll raise my voice, and it's like, well, why does this happen and where does this come from? It's like I do everything for my partner, so how dare they do this? And that's like the thoughts that run through my mind at the time and it took I'd say it took like a firm three to four years of working on myself before I could really understand why that happened. I could start to integrate it Like. It took quite a while.

Speaker 1: 8:29

It takes a lot of emotional control, a lot of emotional stability in yourself to be able to do like, to be able to take control of that, and there's a lot of people that don't have that. Some people go completely silent and avoidant and don't talk and don't say anything ever, and it depends on how you react. So that's just an example for me of one of the things that happened for me in terms of being a nice guy. But only when you understand all of those things what the traits are, when they started and why they started is that you'll be able to catch yourself up on these. You won't have to be reactive, you won't have to worry about an impulse of yours that comes up, and if you don't have a strong male friend group, then you're also completely doomed.

Speaker 1: 9:08

Studies show this, especially for nice guys. It is so needed to have a strong masculine friendship group that you can have that you spend time with, like during the week, during the weekday that you call that you go and travel with, that, you go and spend time with monthly away from your partner for extended periods of time, so that you can understand this stuff and come back stronger, more calmer, more able to hold space, be able to calm her nervous system down or his nervous system down, if you're in a gay relationship or not, and that is extremely important. If you don't have that, catch you later. So I'm going to list out to you the traits that you're going to want to know about, because these is basically it's like. It's like kind of like 15 traits I can't remember exactly how many in there because they're not numbered on on my screen, but there's a certain amount of traits that will let you know if you're a nice guy or not, and I think, if you have. I'm working on consistently all the time. I found out, like literally the last three weeks of like holy shit, there's like eight nice guy traits here that I've been working on and integrating and already I'm seeing like getting control over these, getting control over these, not reacting like but holy hell, this is absolute superpower. So let's get into them. Here are the traits that you're going to want to know about.

Speaker 1: 10:17

One. They believe any girl would be lucky to have them. Two, thinking that pleasing their partner repeatedly is good sex. So just pleasing them, not so much yourself. They never ask for sex directly and they try sneak attacks so they're like, oh, I'm going to rub your shoulders in here instead of just saying, hey, I'd love to have sex tonight. You know what I mean. They make jokes about men's sexuality all the time instead of having honest conversations. Could be about premature ejaculation or something Making women their emotional center so they depend on her happiness in order to feel love. Ooh, that's a big one. They treat their partners how their mums treated them. So they start to treat their partners how their mum treated them. Very interesting, they do everything with her and her friends and not his own. He can't be with his friends without her, and I'm just using her as the anomaly in here. If you're in a gay relationship, then obviously use him.

Speaker 1: 11:11

Avoids difficult conversations or talking about his emotions. Works really hard to help his partner not be angry at him. This is the Mr Fixer. It's like how can I like solve this thing? Like, oh, you're angry at me, let me help you not be angry at me Like that, ruin it all day, has an idea of what he wants the relationship to be and gets frustrated when it's not it. He's like this is what I want. How come the relationship is not this? All I do is try and blah, blah, blah. I just want it to be like this and do everything to make it like this, and then they get frustrated when it's not.

Speaker 1: 11:38

Oh, spaghettio always feels he is lacking intimacy or sexuality from his partner, has trauma, feels safe in the relationship but not loved how he needs to be, puts her needs above his own, puts her pleasure above his own and has high standards of his partner. Like these are the standards that you'd be hitting. Like really high, really high standards, ones that he might not even be hitting. Like I want to help you get better and you get better. You need to be better here and have this so that I can have the relationship that I want right. Like, if you have these traits combined, it feels like you're losing control on the relationship all the time and you always need to get it back. Like how can I get back this control? How can I get it back? Like I need to be in control so that, like this relationship works and it's right. So this is the bad boy. This is the thing. Remember this podcast almost over and you want to remember these ones.

Speaker 1: 12:32

Tip number one talk to your mates who are not in toxic relationships or have the same traits, about which ones that you have right, and then ask for honest feedback to find out which ones you do. So you want to find people that have similar traits, who want to work on them with you, or guys who do not have any of those traits, but your mates who are not toxic, and if they're in relationships or not, as long as they're not toxic friends, you want to talk to them about your toxic traits. Two talk to your partner a bit about which ones that you think you have. So you're telling me, like these are my traits, these are the ones I think that I have or I don't have. Apologize, firstly, firstly, and then ask how you can work together and talk about why, like how can we work together on these, how can I be held accountable and why these ones are here and what are they doing in the relationship, and then just to let you know. That's initially scary as hell, but it's also so helpful. Third tip this is the most important one Set personal boundaries for yourself and the relationship and like you in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 13:27

So I want personal boundaries just for me and I want personal boundaries for me in the relationship itself. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, it's very true. So ask yourself this question what would I be doing now if I did not have a relationship and I was not looking for an intimate partner? Do that regardless. If you're not looking for an intimate partner and you're not looking for casual sex, what would you be doing right now if you weren't in a relationship? And then start doing that anyway and consistently be asking yourself doing that? Because if you're not doing that, you unbalance the attraction equation.

Speaker 1: 14:01

That happens in relationships. Like you know, one does not feel attracted to the other. If there is no, if the relationship is the foundation of the relationship right, that is literally study, that that will lose foundation. So what you want to do is just do what you want to do. It's crazy and that's it. That's literally it. So I hope this helps and if you want to work on this professionally, come and join. Set the Standard. We're like we've got three weekly calls every single week and we've got programs on how to do this. Come and join, send me a DM on Instagram. You get 10% off for being a podcast listener, which is fantastic, and then, if not, big love like thanks for listening to this and hopefully share it with a friend and give us a follow. I absolutely love that, thank you. See you in the next one.