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Corey Boutwell Podcast
The Trap of Sexual Distractions #244
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so much more present, intimate, you know, better sex, which is what you've been craving for the whole time. Welcome back to another podcast episode with me, guys. And today we're getting into something dear to my heart, something intense. Essentially, it's stop validating yourself by sleeping with as many people as you can. This is what I'm getting into.
Speaker 1:One of my very first clients was a sex addict. Um, when my first one-on-one clients and we started working through a lot of processes and since then I have worked with a lot of people in regards to overcoming their sex addiction. Like, like, believe it or not, I have a high performing business owners come to me and chat to me and they're like can't I do this? And I'm triggered here and I can't get to this next thing here and I can't get to this next level in business, and blah, blah, blah, and it all comes down to it's like well, you know you're seeking a lot of validation from other people. There's either, you know, sleeping with as many people as possible every single week, someone new like tinder, hinge, instagram addictions like trying to sleep with people, prostitution, add addictions, people scrolling on porn, masturbation, just always having to get a hit from looking at someone from the opposite sex. Now, these are most likely men. I don't know as much from the perception of women, because I haven't dealt with any women who have worked with any women who have had sex addictions. But what I would assume from all the research that I've done is that it comes from a need of feeling accepted and feeling loved and it's like cool, I'm going to go have sex so I can feel accepted and I can feel have love and confirm that. You know, this energy is mine. I'm receiving something here because I haven't got it elsewhere. That's what I'm assuming, and I know there's other different areas. So if you're listening to this, take what relates to you, because not all of this is going to relate to you, but some of it will, and what does and what will relate to you is going to absolutely blow your mind.
Speaker 1:So if you want to stop the need for trying to having to sleep with everyone or like have to look at people on your phone all the time, or even when you're out in public or whatever it is, and you know you just always feel like that every person that you talk to you need a hit on. Every single person that you have a relationship with, you're like I can't have a relationship with the opposite sex because they're going to have sex with me. I'm going to want to have sex with them. There's this pressure where I have to turn one on around this person and I'm actually a little bit uncomfortable talking to the opposite sex, especially for men who struggle to go and talk to girls. It's like that is a good signal Now, for example, that there is a sex addiction there, because it's like, ah, there's so much pressure and also, if you don't struggle and you're talking to every single girl ever under the sun and that's the only way that you know where happiness and validation comes from, then like, let's get into it, because I went from needing validation from every single girl that I could see to only needing validation, like from myself, until I got into a relationship and the relationship sort of switched that around.
Speaker 1:It turned on for me all of the old uh, uh, all of the old cravings and systems that, like you know, would come back and it's like, wow, this is insane. Like where, where is this coming from? And then, like, for me, I converted that milder sex addiction you know onto a partner and, if you can, can put put that onto a partner. That creates a lot of pressure from them. And you're like, where's this coming from? Like how did this even happen? Like I thought I've overcome this Right, so it's, it's really interesting. But essentially what happens is your edges rub up against your partners and then you know, you know next minute, like you're feeling as a guy, as a man, it's like you're feeling guilty because you're looking at someone and you can't help it. It's like you are trying to grab attention from other other women externally. Like there's a lot of guys that I work with who will message the women. Like, why am I messaging these other people? Or they are, you know, um, they've, they have had, you know, sexual relations with someone else. They've gone and cheated, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:All of this stems from the same thing of like okay, why is you know, why is this happening and why I have? Why is this need there to have this? Like I'm in a safe and secure relationship, so why do I? Why am I sabotaging it? Like that hasn't been a hundred percent my experience with it, because I feel over the like mine's been the opposite side. So, on my experience, mine's like okay, I'll cut everything out and stop. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah stop anything or contact with anyone else from the opposite sex when I'm in a relationship which I think is actually unhealthy to do, because it should be a natural and a organic relationship with the opposite sex. But then you can notice in your mind, you're like where does this come from? You're like, oh, that's a mild sex addiction. Like there's something going on there. Like why do I have the need, the need to have this? And I'm going to tell you why it's interesting because it comes from I don't know not sure if you've heard this before, but I see it a lot on my feed and in coaching is people talking about anxious and avoidant attachment styles and theories, and I've done a lot of research on this recently because it's been blowing my brain, and I just did a podcast with Robert Glover, who's the author of no More Mr Nice Guy, and all of the stuff that he talks about from no More Mr Nice Guy essentially comes from anxious attachment and avoidant attachment theory, and I've just been like whoa.
Speaker 1:This makes so much sense. You know, I help people become the best version of themselves and set the standard, and you can't do that if this is in the way and essentially what it is is. It's like you need to, it's like this need of attention seeking in some way in order to feel complete. Anxious attachment is where you act like the nice guy, you're the people pleaser and you always find yourself in relationships where the other person needs space and you get uncomfortable with it. You're like why does that person need space? Why does that happen?
Speaker 1:And then the avoidant attachment style is where you find that you need distance to feel safe. You're like why do I feel like I need to go somewhere else? Why is like am I being attracted to go over here? Or you have this independence and you don't know why it's causing argument. You're like, oh, I just don't want to talk and have this and it's causing these arguments. I'm just going to like keep distancing myself and like I love this person, but I just need to keep distancing myself. And then you act out or feel like your partner's always unhappy, like how come I can't like make my partner happy? Like that's the avoidant attachment style.
Speaker 1:What happens is commonly people sort of bang between both. You know what I mean. They're like ping pong ball. They're like in, they're out, they're avoidant, they're anxious, they're avoidant. They're relationship. And in an intimate relationship. If you can't figure this out over a period of time, then it was just eat the relationship away.
Speaker 1:And I was talking to a friend about this recently and I was like you know what takes a world-class relationship? And the answer is it takes all of you, consistently, all of your entire being, soul, everything like you know. To make that happen, and to do that, you have to get clear on your own attachment styles and how they work, because and how they work with your partner, because if you can't figure those out, um, as soon as push comes to shove, your attachment style, whichever way, is going to rub up against the other person's. It's going to trigger their attachment style and then that's going to reinforce and trigger your attachment style and until you learn where it comes from, which I'm going to teach you in this is that's just going to sabotage the entire relationship. So essentially, yes, and I want to, I want to mention there's another point here that I written down was it also impacts how you show up in business, for example, like, cause it's part of your personality and you can't escape it Right, cause all this stuff it comes from, like in a child work, comes from you growing up Like, basically, you got your parents mom and dad and they're role models and then your experience as a child. However, you had your experiences to.
Speaker 1:Now what happens is, when you were growing as a child and you were developing yourself, was you also developed ways of you know dealing and creating strategies to feel safe? And some of some of them, some of those strategies, will be anxious attachment and some of them will be avoidant attachment, and then they just start to play out through, you know, the rest of your life and you have moments in your life where you have a huge breakup or your business will fail or something will happen, and that is what's going to force you where you have to do growth, you have to do personal development. You have to do the work because if you don't, then you just become lazy, you become cynical, you become resentful, you become spiteful, you become bored, you become comfort driven, you get completely stagnant and you're unhappy and unfulfilled and you just want to sit down, watch TV and do nothing and you get satisfied with that. You don't want to grow because everything feels like it's too much when you have a big episode. If you don't go in and work on these things you know and if you don't go work on your attachment styles and become the best version of yourself because that's what it takes If you want to reach your full potential it takes working on this.
Speaker 1:So anxious attachment in a sort of business and relationship setting is a fear of abandonment. So it's like any stage in your life. You're like I felt like there is abandonment there and I don't want to get abandoned again, and it's been conditioned into your nervous system. Essentially, you are anxiously attached and you might engage in affairs of inappropriate relationships out of fear of losing your partner. Oh, I don't want to lose my partner. I don't want to lose my business partner. I don't want to lose my business. I don't want to lose this right Abandonment issue, which can lead to emotional turmoil and distraction, severely impacting their focus and decision-making in business.
Speaker 1:This can come in regards of writing block, content block, traveling block. Should I fire someone? Should I hire this person? What should I do? Like all of these questions like, oh, do I do? Should I do this? I can't make the decision and I can't seem to focus. I can't like create ideas or whatever it is, because I'm so caught up living in the future, fearing that I'm going to lose everything or lose someone, and that is, you can solve that. Like that, you can. You can heal that. If there's a wound there, you can legitimately heal that wound. Or you can fix that problem about yourself by working on your nervous system and your brain and reprogramming your mind and your heart together so that it doesn't come up anymore, like the voice will still be there, like quiet because I think it always will until something comes and triggers you to teach you more about it. But you can integrate the hell out of that.
Speaker 1:Second one, for avoidant attachment this is how it shows up. It's a need for independence. So someone with an avoidant attachment might pursue sexual relations outside their primary partnership to feel less confined and maintain a sense of freedom. So this person in their situation they're always like I need to feel free, I need to go here, I need to go travel here, I need to go do this thing, I need to go do this by myself so I can feel free. Because when I'm with you I'm scared you know what I mean and I just have this safety thing where, like, okay, I'm scared in here because, like, this is unsafe for me and it's unnatural.
Speaker 1:This behavior can create chaos and mistrust in personal relationships, spilling over into business environments and disrupting teamwork and collaboration. So this will happen when we're like, no, I need to be Mr or Mrs Perfect, you know, I can do this one by myself. I don't need to ask for help here. Like, oh, this is annoying, I might as well just go do it all by myself. Like don't you worry about it. Like I'm going to go and do it. Like, oh man, so annoying. Every time he said just let me do it, you know, just let me do the thing. Um, or like, oh, just, I'm just going to fire everyone and do it all by myself.
Speaker 1:Right, that is what happens in avoidant attachment styles and being in this situation is you know, it's another way, it's just another coping mechanism to make sure that you feel safe. Right, to make sure that you feel safe. Now, when you talk when it comes to this and a sex addiction, essentially, like what's happening is the ancient attachment is like I or you're sleeping with a lot of people. It's like I need to feel, like I don't want to lose anyone, so I'm going to try to get with as many people as I can so that I don't, so that no one leaves me, right. And then the need for independence and avoidant attachment is you know, I need to be like by my, by myself, but I also want people to confirm that like being me is okay, so I'm going to like independently. It's my decision, I'm going to go and get with as many people as I can, which is like, so, so, so interesting that that comes up now.
Speaker 1:It's not just what I want to like really communicate in this is. It's not the symptom of getting with as many people as possible to confirm your validation is just a symptom. It's not the root cause and it's not the actual problem. Right, if you go back one phase, you've got the symptom and then you've got why, the why is anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. That's why you have this need for validation, and it can even be validation of posting on social media being sexual in this way to try to get a sort of hit to confirm that you're hot or you've got approval. But the root cause of where it comes from or where the work is is what we're going to get into. And this is the crazy stuff. Right, most of it comes from sexual shame, right, that's where the root cause comes from.
Speaker 1:I've been learning a lot about this, especially after talking to Robert Glover in the podcast. It just blew my was your very first sexual experience, even if it was by yourself. What was it? Was it hidden? Could you tell your family and would they celebrate you for it? Most people definitely not. And then you think about this question okay, was it secretive or was it hidden away? Or could you be completely open and guilt-free about your sexuality, from your childhood all the way up until now? And if you think about all your sexual experiences since then, most people that I speak to are like it's pretty intense, like it was pretty secretive, it was pretty hidden, it was hidden away. I had to like everything was like so private and not talked about. I couldn't talk to her, like about it with anyone and I felt very alone in that time and it had all these things, that sort of happen Like.
Speaker 1:Most people have stuff happen like in their like, um, like childhood or the teenage years that they regret or they feel shame about or they didn't mean to do or something like that, and then that like puts this weight on them. They're like oh my gosh, like this is, this is heavy, intense, and I'm I'm not okay, I'm not normal and I'm not allowed to, you know, tell anyone this. And I have this secret, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah that we have and all of that is increasing our anxiously attachment or avoidant attached. Because, depending on how we reacted to that, we reacted some way growing up at some experience sexually where we're like okay, I need to be anxiously attached here or I need to be avoidantly attached in this situation. Now, for example, you could have had, like a parent leave you when you were early, like young, you know, four or five years old, and then what happens is you were used to that happening. I've got this fear of abandonment, and then your very first sexual experience could have, you know, mirrored that same thing. It's like I don't want to be abandoned, so I next minute you're first, or even, if it's like you know, by yourself, whatever it is, it's like, okay.
Speaker 1:Now I have reacted in an anxious attachment way to the sexual experience and now I've dumped some shame on my. Oh man, there's some shame around here and I can't talk to this. I don't want to tell about anyone because that means there's something wrong about me, and I just want to confirm everyone who's listening to this. No, experience like that you've had is like there's nothing wrong about you, whether your desires, your experience or anything else that you had like growing up. There's nothing wrong about you whatsoever, it's just your experience. And it's completely like I'm not going to say it's okay and there's someone's had like some really intense stuff happen. But, um, like I'm just validating like your entire sexual experience, especially from when you were young to where you are now, and like that, like that is yours and there's. It's not like it's not to say cause I can't say that there's anything wrong with it. But I hope you guys can get the gist of what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Like you know, there is a shame that we dump on ourselves that, once we release, makes us feel so much free by accepting and forgiving, like where we're at. And obviously some people are going to have a lot more like shame and trauma than than other people, which I find is pretty insane. But in both cases, scenarios lack freedom and they lack celebration in your own sexuality, which creates a hole that needs to be filled in some way Right and you feel this hole. Like people have this need to fill this hole through some sort of sexual encounter, whether it be flirting via text message, whether it be sleeping with someone, whether it be, like you know, messaging someone, I don't know what it is, but there's like this hole because of the lack of freedom and celebration that you had in your own sexuality, which creates this right. And when you go back to yogic practices and chakras and all that stuff, it's like your sexual energy is like it's the first power, like it's the root cause and power. It's the sacral energy right down, um, like you know, in your perineum, like it's down there, like that's where that energy comes from. And if that gets blocked or you feel some shame or some way, that's going to affect your power and no matter how much you learn and how much you study and how much you try to think your way out of shit, it's never going to work because that's lacking trust in faith in your own skill and ability to show up.
Speaker 1:There's a lack of confidence there and essentially, what we're desiring from this situation in here for trying to get our power and have our sexual freedom is what we're desiring is intimacy right, and it's disguised as a need for validation. An example is I'm good enough when someone else confirms to me that my sexuality is okay and that I'm allowed to feel sexual is the question the child asks inside us, basically like, is it okay? Am I allowed to be sexual Right? Am I good enough when someone else confirms that my sexuality is okay and am I allowed to feel sexual Like? Can I feel this Like? Is that okay? Is that okay? Is the question that we're asking all the time. So when we, for example, when someone goes and gets a hit of sexuality, they go, oh, I'm okay, oh, I'm allowed to have this. It's like oh, I fit in, oh, this is, I'm enough, oh, this is so good.
Speaker 1:So, every Like if you're in this position, no matter how many hits that you get from a partner from the internet, from messaging people, from going crazy, it's never, ever, ever going to be enough which creates these absolutely unrealistic expectations from your partner, right Like if you're in a relationship. It creates these massive unrealistic expectations from them to fulfill. And it also creates unrealistic expectations in business and friendships. And you know there's this need where you just don't want if it's actually attached, you don't want people to go, and then you have these you know people in avoidant attachment styles. I'm actually not too sure how that would show up. I would assume that they would show up if this was like you know, is this okay?
Speaker 1:Am I allowed to feel me of being like, no, I need to be in by myself, I need to go do this. Oh, trigger, I'm going to go by myself. Um, that's essentially like what, what I think is going to happen, and it's going to be like you won't be able to focus and you'd be in, distracted. You'll be, you'll be distracted, uh, when you get triggered and essentially it's like, oh, I don't want to do, all I need to know is I got to go. So that's what's going to happen. And then, if you want to be undistractable and focused in building the life of your dreams and running your business, you got to clear this out. You got to get rid of this shit. Ah, it's going to get out your body because the conditioning nervous system even talking about it now, it's like I can feel my whole body's like Whoa, like cause. All of this stuff is just like you know, it's kind of heavy, like cause.
Speaker 1:I got a bunch of it myself like heaps of sexual trauma. I was looking back at like from when I was a kid to when I was in now and I was like I mean, I've had some amazing, beautiful sexual experiences that are just absolutely incredible. But I'm, like most of it, from when I was a kid until, I'd say, my mid twenties try to hide all of it. Like all of that was hidden and it's like man. That's a the 20 year period you know what I mean Of just like hiding that energy that you have about yourself. It was probably 15, right, 15 year period of like trying to hide that about yourself. So it's like man, this, this is, this stuff is like it's. It's got to be loved and it's going to be integrated in order to let go. And you can do it. I'm going to teach you this is how you can do it.
Speaker 1:Get rid of it by simply talking about it. Talking about the negative experiences with someone that you trust, who's not going to give you sympathy oh my God, poor you. That's the worst thing ever. That must be so hard right? Not giving you sympathy and just validating your experience. Like yes, yes, I can understand. Like how does that make you feel? You know what I mean? How'd you feel that situation? So someone who can do that, that you trust, who's not going to, you know, judge you and then trying to find the positive in the experience. And if you can't find the positive experience in the positive in the experience because some people is intense, like their sexual trauma is, forgive yourself for it Okay, I'm forgiving myself for it and all parties involved I mean so.
Speaker 1:And when you do that, all the pent up energy that's making you need to to to get sexual fulfillment or like leave people and you can't connect, like all of that, you'll become more relaxed, you'll be more calm and you'll be and you'll be more control of the impulses and then also know that it's going to be able to.
Speaker 1:It's going to take some time Like, it's not going to be. Like, oh, I did a week, I figured this out, I went back and it's going to work. It's like no, you got to look at these impulses in every single way, shape or form, like I've been over the last two weeks since I like talked to Robert. I'm joking around and I push a friend in the pool. You know what I mean. I'm like where did that come from? You know what I mean. Try to everything that I say. It's like I go back and like where did that one come from? Was that an impulse, was that reactivity? Like where was that? Has that got something to do with my shame? Has that got to do for like a hundred percent effect for other people? But it has worked for me before and every time that I've released some sort of sexual shame, my sex life has has gotten better, like every single time.
Speaker 1:So and I this is my assumption, this is what what I think is why is it's less focused? You're less focused on getting a high and a hit to satisfy a need or a hole, rather than having an experience of pleasure to just lean into, because that hit and that high is like hyper excitement. Right, it's like a drug addict. You know, if you think about a drug addict that you see in the movies or something, or if you know anyone that is a drug addict, they're like oh, I can't wait to get a hit, I'm gonna do everything that I can. Or even someone who's like loves coffee you know what I mean like I need to get that coffee. And they get hyped and rushed and have this, like you know, chaotic energy. It's like I need to have a coffee, I need to have my hit, I need to go and get this. Ah, youal need to get a hit and your body calms down.
Speaker 1:You're like, oh, this is an experience that I get to have, of pleasure, to lean into, bang so much more present, intimate, you know, better sex, which is what you've been craving for the whole time, which is most likely going to be with a partner that you've, you know, cultivated a relationship with over a long period of time. That's going to help you, like, lean into that right, which is absolutely fantastic and amazing. I think it's so beautiful that that can happen. So I hope you guys got a lot of value from this podcast. If you did, please subscribe. Yes, intense, it's heavy. I hope I've helped you guys today and just letting you know this was heavy lifting right. Just even listening to this is heavy lifting and it's a heavier read if you guys are reading it, but it's extremely powerful for your own personal breakthrough.
Speaker 1:We all want to be free. We want to be feel free in our business, free financially free, sexually free in relationships, and that sense of freedom comes from doing the work to make sure that we can let go of any of the patterns and conditioning that has hold us back as a child. It's a part of our hero's journey. It's a part of our entrepreneur's journey. Every time we get step into a news phase to becoming the best version of ourselves, something like this comes up and it's our responsibility to face it and integrate it, and if we don't, then we just remain stuck and stagnant.
Speaker 1:So if you want to learn this and you want to get over your stuff and you're a guy or you're a woman and you're listening to this and you're like man, my partner needs some of this. Like send them on, come join, set the standard. As a podcast listener. You guys get a cheeky discount if you message me. No one else gets that. You guys are lucky to listen to this one and that's it. Guys. Enjoy the rest of your day. Let's go Choose your.