How To Avoid Self Sabotage Crushing Your Life #248

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Chapters

• 0:05 Understanding Men's Self-Sabotage in Business
• 6:28 Overcoming Self-Sabotage in Business
• 13:37 Breaking Free From Self-Sabotage

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

welcome back to another episode of the corey batwell podcast. Today, guys, I want to talk to you about essentially why men self-sabotage themselves, especially in business. Self-sabotage happens to almost everyone at some point, like everyone's had a relation with self-sabotage and fyi, uh. This is an insane podcast on self-sabotage. So tune on in and if you want to get access to the written version of this, sign up to my email list. It's just one of the links below. You can go down anywhere in the links below, click that email list. You can just read this thing, which is really cool. Otherwise, listen on with me.

Speaker 1: 0:35

So self-sabotage for me has always been a self-worth issue, which actually comes down to a lot of money mindset. I've taught money mindset workshops around australia. I've got a money mindset course. I teach money mindset of course it's in my business course and I've done a lot of master classes on money mindset and this is really cool. You know, working with people to assess their money mindset and noticing that, like I'd say, almost all of the issues come from some form of self-worth and it doesn't matter how much money you make. Either you're making 50 mil, 100 mil, or you're down at making. You know you're on 70 80k a year, like whatever it is that you're making this money. Mindset and self-worth is a thing that we must, I really believe, work on because from a kid like myself, from a kid to when I was in my mid-20s, my self-worth was dropped every time I was told off and every time I didn't do a good enough job at something, every time I failed at something, every time I was wrong or every time I did something wrong and every time I felt rejected where it could be asking a girl out, whether it was some form of bullying, whether it was some form of judgment or criticism. I used to take that stuff so, so seriously and also sensitive to it. And I didn't realize it from how my parents were brought up. Um, cause, mom was essentially pretty aggressive with how she was approached me and dad was very avoidant. So mom was attached, dad was avoidant Uh, he didn't really talk about emotions and mom was like overly emotional. So, from my perspective, as soon as someone was overly critical, I just like to avoid and hide. But I'd feel all these emotions like shit, like what did I do wrong? And then, because I was loud and I was big, I was always told that I was too much, especially as a kid, too boisterous, hurting another, hurting all the other kids, is you're too loud here or there was, there was too much this, or even in you know friendships like, oh man, you're too energetic, too hyper.

Speaker 1: 2:22

I'd go to friend's house and I'd be like I'm gonna make people something yummy to drink and then I'd explode or blow up someone's neutral bullet. I have a story. I went to a friend's house. I'm like let's like everyone bulletproof copies coffees legitimately was making a bulletproof coffee at my best friend's house and because bulletproof coffees are legit and just exploded his neutral bullet like because it was hot, the thing literally exploded. A new house. He was like painting the room and shit, there was coffee all over the uh roof and he's like trying to render a new house.

Speaker 1: 2:52

Like do this stuff? And I just remember feeling so much shame. I'm like why the fuck does all this shit always happen to me? So I'm just like pouring the shame onto my head. So if and I would self-punish myself so I'd speak to myself really negatively. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 3:07

A lot of you guys relate to this right because I was saying things to myself like oh, this always happens to you. Like why are you such an idiot. Why are you so stupid? You know you always try to do something nice and look again like these bad things happen to you, right? So when I was a kid, when I anytime I felt any low self-worth, I'd get punished. If I tried to be emotional about it, I'd get neglected. I would avoid things or other people would experience avoidance, like my dad would just remove himself from the situation and love wasn't given freely, like I wasn't loved on in those situations when it happened, where I'd panic, freak out or feel overwhelmed. So the second that I feel low self-worth shame I just feel shame immediately. Hold on, guys. I'm just, oh, whacking down on that, yeah, so I just feel shame immediately, which was really sad.

Speaker 1: 4:01

So after years of conditioning, this translated over to my business, my purpose and the need for approval, right. So all of these things conditioned into my nervous system. Now I projected that back. Sorry, I need to crack my neck there. Projected that back into my business crazy. I've only just started to realize this stuff this year. It's nuts.

Speaker 1: 4:21

So after years of conditioning, this happened and if you're like me, this means that you feel like this is how it translates over to business sick. When a client leaves you. You feel sick in your stomach. Holy shit, I'm never going to make another cent again. I'm not good enough. Blah, blah, blah. All those thoughts go through your mind. You buy into vanity metrics on social media or business metrics specific the numbers, specific the numbers. These aren't flexible. We can't move these. This has to happen, everything to happen on time, like so on time, and nothing can be moved or changed or whatever it is. And oh, I didn't get enough views, I didn't get enough likes and enough comments, I didn't get enough DM replies to this story or whatever it is that you're putting out there.

Speaker 1: 4:57

You always need your partner's feedback on something like oh, can you look at this and can you look at this and can you look at this and can we talk about this thing? I need this idea to, to talk about it like just non-stop talking, communicating to your partner. Making things about you may not be your partner, too, could be your friendships. Can you look at this? Can you tell this about me? Because you're just consistently seeking feedback, because you're like am I okay, am I okay, am I okay, am I enough? And this is what leads to self-sabotage.

Speaker 1: 5:21

You try to control every situation by making it about you because you're scared if you're not good enough, people will leave you. So what you do in situations, if you're like me, is you try to make everyone feel like you're good enough. You talk about yourself and you're like oh, and that's why this thing's here and this is why I did this, and you'll notice, people will compliment you or say nice things about you, but it's you know, if you start to spend too long around them, they're like, oh, I want to get distance, want to get away from this person. And you're like oh, no, I just want to get a smile from this person or crack a joke and make them laugh so that they like me. Then you try to say these things and make people like you bam, you're in control. That is self-sabotage. You're not actually focusing on yourself. You're now living in that person's shoes, worried about what they think, not worried about what you think. Bam, bam, bam, self-sabotage. And you only feel safe or normal when you feel like everything is burning to the ground, which means that when you're winning, when you're making success happen, when there is nothing but love happening in your relationship, something must be wrong. Things are like what is wrong. Something must be wrong.

Speaker 1: 6:28

I'll give you a good example. I recently watched Deadpool 1 and there's a scene in the movie where Wade Wilson, deadpool's main character, walks into a bar and the bar is calm, right. So he buys a blowjob shot and he gets the waiter to give it to a man named Bob and it was and say that it was from David, something like that. I can't remember their names. Bob walks up to David and just punches him in the face and a bar brawl happens and then Wade you see him kind of take a sigh finally relax, have a sip of his drink and talk to the bartender about some deep and meaningful conversation.

Speaker 1: 6:58

This is a great representation for anyone who has a low self-worth, filled by the need of chaos, because what he's doing in that situation is creating chaos. Because he's not comfortable when things are calm and silent and okay, because they're not used to that. In the family dynamic, in the friendship dynamic, in the business dynamic, it's like there always has to be a moderate tone of chaos happening so that I feel comfortable, so that I can work, that I can come up with ideas, so that I can be creative, because I'm not used to it happening when it's calm and then we know we're like oh, I want to get calm and I want to meditate so I can come up with good ideas, I can be creative, I can be productive with my work and I can get focused. It's like that's that's never going to happen when things are calm, because it's not chaotic enough, because you've created this situation in your mind, with your mindset and your own self-worth that like for me to win anything, to achieve anything, to get attention, to get approval, I have to make fucking chaos, either winning so extravagantly, to the best of my ability, by over performing and overworking and putting on a performance, or just messing shit up. Either one of those. I'm either high performer and high achiever or I'm the world's worst, worst habitat in order to get attention, so that I'll get noticed and have this need for approval, needed need of approval fulfilled, and that gets wired in our nervous system, that gets wired in our dna. So if we haven't worked on that and done personal development of the inner work in person and the theory and the mindset stuff, then it just stays. It just stays and that pattern will just keep on happening until we change it.

Speaker 1: 8:25

Another pattern that people with self-worth in business find is that they always get to a certain level in business and fall behind. They're like, oh yeah, I hit a 50K mark, then they're back down to 40, 30, 20 and they just stay at 20. Then boom, 50. And then boom. They're like why do I have this threshold? Or they get to a level in business and never pass it. They can be hitting 20 grand a month every month for the last six, seven years, maybe a 22, maybe 18, and they just never get past it and instead they buy into distractions and temptations and other projects and then they come back to oh, I just need to be focusing on this business and I want to grow. They get it back to the same level if it ever drops and just stays there consistent.

Speaker 1: 9:00

So in the book the shame that binds us, it talks about this and essentially it talks about how all temptations and distractions come from toxic shame, some sort of trauma, some sort of event, some sort of shame where, as a children, we develop this coping mechanism that's like, oh, I'm being judged and criticized. If I just turn my eyes away, I won't be noticed. If I just turn my eyes away, I won't be noticed. And I remember this recently because I never thought that I had any form of disassociation patterns, but recently I found out that I have, and it's even challenging for me now to talk about it, because when I go to talk about what makes me feel disassociated, my brain still goes to go blank. So I'm going to explain it to the best of my ability, even though my brain goes a little bit blank sometimes and it is around the topic of giving other people what they want and celebrating them my brain just goes straight to straight to disassociation.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Because when I was younger I used to get presents that I didn't want to, didn't want to have. I didn't want to get presents. People would force me to have presents. I remember my um mom this one time throwing her under the bus here. But one time I was doing a shoot and I was going to be a face of a newspaper and there was a shirt that I did not want to wear. She bought it for me. I did not want to wear, she bought it for me. I did not want to wear it. It was like this red skivvy, three lines on my arms and this black, big black collar and it was like a V-neck. Right there's a long like kind of sexual V-neck, and I'm like eight or nine years old and I looked at it and I'm like I hate this so bad, I do not want to wear it Mom wear it, please don't let me wear it. And she like forced me to wear it, like full-on, forced me like you have to wear this, and I felt so guilty and feel so much shame and I didn't even realize in that moment that you know. And then she felt so good because when I got to her, she's like, wow, this is fantastic, this is amazing. And like was so happy because you know she got to win at that moment, because you know the photographers were at the house and I'm taking photos and blah, blah, blah. She's like, ah, this is crazy. So she was celebrating in that moment of like how proud she was.

Speaker 1: 11:09

But I was completely disassociated. I was like, right, and this is not her fault, like I don't blame her for that or anything, like she was just a mum doing the best that she can because she knew that was going to be, you know, the best for me at the time, because they got a lot of attention, that photo in the paper. But and I didn't even realize until this year that that has made me disassociate. So when people come to winning or when go receiving gifts from people whether it's sometimes compliment or attention or whatever it is the second it comes in bang I disassociate and disassociation means like you just forget everything, your mind goes numb and you just no memories come up. I'm like why am I saying nothing? So I had no idea that that pattern was there and it was crazy right.

Speaker 1: 11:48

So it's only been this year that you know myself I've been truly dedicated to really releasing shame and I've hit, you know, consistency in business and found stagnation a few times. I've hit consistently, hit that, hit there and then go up, hit there and then go down and then go down and hit up. And I was just like man, how come it's not consistently growing right? And and hence, like now, you know, at my next level retreats, I get excited because we do a shame release at the next level retreats and I get so excited to talk about the emotions that scare the shit out of me and release shame. So what happens is if you're not in a safe environment to tell people your emotions and this could be with partners, this can be with parents, this can be in any sort of situations where you know you feel this feeling in your chest where you go. I know I gotta say some stuff, but screw this, this is scary. I cannot.

Speaker 1: 12:39

In the moment when you're in the argument, when things are fiery, or you know something's happening that's chaotic, or you're in a disagreement with your partner or with with a friend, and you're like no, I'm not saying that, like I want to say this, but I'm not going to say I'm just going to swallow it and not say anything, right, and you know that you should, because instead you're just going to avoid and not bring it up. And you know that they can feel the energy and feel shitty and whatever it is, and you know it can happen in business with employees and then they bring the conversation to you and you go. Man, I wish I just talked about this like weeks ago. Right, that is shame in your chest and a fear of being able to speak about your emotions, because the last thing you want to say is hey, I actually hold a lot of resentment for this thing that you did, just letting you know I'm feeling angry and mad and sad about it. I'm quite upset about it, especially if it's to an employee, right, or something that you love, I'm upset about it. I just want to leave that there. I just need to let you know that's how I'm feeling, because you don't want to make people feel bad, right? So I don't make people feel bad. I don't want to have this thing to happen. That is self sabotage at its absolute finest. So that's like another pattern that happens.

Speaker 1: 13:37

So we can live lives where we know that it's scary to talk about this and then we can talk about it too. We can, like you know, allow it to come out with the safer that we feel, because when I was younger it wasn't safe for me or, you know, I would get so upset if you know now I I'd get so upset if I didn't feel safe and it appeared to me that, like it appears sometimes that I can speak easily about emotions because I teach this stuff. But I just want to let you guys know it's so challenging for me still, like whether it's with an employee, whether it's a friend, whether it's a client or whatever. It is the second that there's emotional conversation. Like you've got the skill and I can do it well, because I've learned the skills, I've studied the books and I've understood. Uh, you know emotional regulation, but it doesn't mean that it's too challenging.

Speaker 1: 14:22

For me still is, especially in intimate relationships like that, that tiniest in your chest, the moment you think to yourself. You know, the moment you start thinking to yourself oh, this will teach you a lesson. Like I'm not going to speak to you and then you, you'll know exactly how I feel, or when I do, when I'm quiet and I don't say anything, then you'll finally understand. You'll finally understand. I'm going to make you understand by being quiet. I'm going to make you understand by saying this mean thing. I'll make you understand by by doing this. That's when you're going to know. I'll teach you a lesson.

Speaker 1: 14:51

Second, that infiltrates your brain. You're possessed by shame and you're in a self-sabotage pattern. Oh yeah, and this puts you in a scarce mindset, right, and a scarce mind produces scarce results. So to remove scarcity from our lives, we have to let go of the shame and start to feel more worthy. So you can do that by having these three conversations. Right, there's three conversations I'm going to recommend you guys to do. You know, and make sure you do it with someone that you feel comfortable to talk with, because these conversations are more self-reflection conversations.

Speaker 1: 15:24

So one just a conversation about what you feel shame around. What do you feel? Some serious shame around, and it'd be scary to say it might feel so silly. But just you open the conversation with a friend like, hey, because you don't want to cross their boundaries and just infiltrate their boundaries and just dump on them. So you want to say something like, hey, I would, can I have permission? Just to talk to you about some shame. I just need to let go off. Like it might be a little bit heavy for me, not for you. I don't need you to respond, I just want to have a conversation about it and tell you about it and I'll say for sure, now you've asked permission, they're ready, instead of just going and just dumping on them. That is like not good emotional intelligence. It's actually going to infect that person. Then you can most likely bring each other down, as happens in a lot of western cultures.

Speaker 1: 16:09

Number two a conversation around how your self-worth is tied to shame and how you self-sabotage because of it. So now you're like, okay, you've talked about your shame and then you go. Okay, so these shameful things impact my self-worth right, and I can find my self-worth by understanding my self-sabotage pattern. So where do I? I self-sabotage it could be. I don't look at my finances enough, I don't ask the questions, I don't have the conversations, I leave everything to the last minute, like, whatever it is, I stop myself from doing what I need to do, I go to bed late. Whatever it is, I was like, okay, so how is that now linked to the shame and the self-worth, right? Well, it's like well, when else did you used to do that? When else would that pattern be created? When you used to avoid certain topics? Start to figure it out, talk about it.

Speaker 1: 16:54

And number three, what are the common patterns of self-sabotage? So, link them between all your behaviors and what can you do to let it go, so you can grow. So this one is like okay, I've got this shame here, I've talked about it. Uh, what can I do in the meantime, whilst I've, whilst I've started to let this go, to fill that amount of energy up. Because what happens is, when you're holding on to that energy and you feel shame, it's like you're actually you're legitimately holding on to creativity, you're holding on to action taken, you're holding on to big opportunity. Like you're holding on to not letting opportunities happen for you, you're holding like this, whoa. So when you do let it go and you speak about it. Now you've got room like you've actually created some room for energy, and if you still have like you haven't, can like, can like filled it up with something positive and you still have those negative connotations in your brain.

Speaker 1: 17:43

What happens is you just buy into distraction again or temptation again or fill it up with something else, and then that'll cause you to feel shame and reinforce you feel shame and you go oh, I'm comfortable being here, like, for example, for men. What could happen is you could figure all this shit out, do a bunch of healing, right, and then you go this sick, I'm healed and you haven't filled it in or been held accountable or filled it in with anything positive. So you go out and you start drinking and you have sex with people you don't want to have sex with and you treat someone bad and you feel really guilty and shamed about it, right, and then it's like okay, now I feel shame again. Fuck, I've created this pattern for myself again. Why? All I did was go out for a few drinks, had some drugs, and then I met some people and I had some sexual experiences that I didn't want to partake in, but I did for some reason right, for some silly reason, and I was like, okay, cool, now you've just reconditioned yourself with shame and now you're gonna have to work on that and letting that go. Instead, if you filled it with something positive with exercise, business, business partner, you know, accountability, group, self-work, personal development, some meditation, something like whatever it is um, that's going to help you and move forward, and most of the times it's just powerful conversations and a new routine that serves you getting up early, working out all those things you filled it with something positive. Now the shame has gone forever and you're creating more positive experience. You have a more abundant mindset. Abundant mindset, abundant results.

Speaker 1: 18:59

So imagine imagine living in a world where children understand this like do you understand how creative they will be? They haven't got this energy that we have from our generation. The shame and the low self-worth just prevent clarity, love and abundance. So imagine how creative they will be. They'll just be like an army of Elon Musks running around because they've got all these ideas and this room and this freedom to create something so beautiful with the world.

Speaker 1: 19:24

But we have to start by leading by example. We're going to heal ourselves first and start to do big and amazing things. And then they see that they understand the conversations that we're having talking about shame, talking about, you know, letting go of control, right. Talking about our emotions and emotional regulation bang, we stop sabotaging, they don't sabotage. We start creating an amazing world full of so much abundance for all of us. So let's stop self-sabotage by removing shame and increasing self-worth today. Right, it's my goal to be the elite of the elite and we're not going to get there when we're hiding, right?

Speaker 1: 19:53

So please leave a comment on this podcast or like a comment below. Reach out to me on Instagram because I'd love to know directly how it helped so I can help promote this podcast. Please send it to someone and if you want to work on this professionally, or if you have a partner that you want to work on this, get them to come and join, set the standard community or come to our next level retreat. They're like the premium, you know, cream of the crop for what we do and what we sell and what we promote that can have these crazy transformations for people. So they're not stuck, especially if you're a high performing business owner, because if you're sabotaging yourself and you're stuck with these self-worth patterns, it prevents your self-worth for so long.

Speaker 1: 20:28

And you can ask yourself the question how much is it costing you just staying here, how much is it costing you just staying at this level, when there's all this potential and all this growth on the other side of a little bit of inner work? And it's like let's jump the fence, like there's weeds over here. We jump the fence, there's pristine grass and a pool. We're like hell, yeah, let's go. So sending you guys some love. Thank you so much for tuning into this podcast. If you want to subscribe to the email, let's get the written version of this, this list. Please do big love. See you in the next one. Bye.