Set The Standard

What women want and what men need #254

• Corey Boutwell • Season 1 • Episode 235

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If you’re new to my page my name’s Corey Boutwell. I’m the founder and CEO of men’s personal development company Set The Standard. I’m a professional bodybuilder, I have coached over 300 men to their full potential and created a multi six figure business in just 3 years. This podcast is where I share EVERYTHING I learn along the way.

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Speaker 1:

Today, guys, I'm going to be talking to you about what women want and what men need, and what I've learned over the past couple of months, which has been blowing my brain. I just want to preface that, in regards to the, what women want, this is just what I've learned. I could be completely wrong in regards to this. However, I feel like I'm getting a lot like a much better grasp at it, especially because I have a lot of women at the moment who, like I've been creating some like controversial speaking points on instagram, so I've had a lot of women message me about what they want. I was actually going to bring one up and mention, mention some of the things that they said, because I thought this was so interesting, because anytime someone commented like oh my god, this thing happened, I'm like tell me why, like what's the specific examples of? You know what you actually want? Because I find, as a man, in my relationship and previous relationships, um, that we always really struggle to hear our partners and then do what we think that they want to do right. And, as a man, we have needs. We have sexual needs, we have respect needs, we have love needs, we have needs for the, for the relationship and for us men, it feels like our needs don't get met and it's like, okay, I, I need this thing, or I need to show up like this, or I need to have this sort of type of response or respect in the relationship. I really want to have that for myself. So I just want to like, like again, preface again, so, preface 2.0 that the whole purpose of understanding this is for men who want to have the relationship of their dreams. They are currently going through a breakup and they want to get back with their partner or they want to get over their breakup right. This is a lot of what we're shifting in regards to the set the standard community at the moment is we understand like that's the goal. That's the reason why men want purpose. It's the reason why men want discipline and fitness and status and confidence and charisma and and to build their own personal brands and shop authentically on social media is either for their current relationship they want to be that guy who can keep and stimulate everything that's happening in the relationship, or they want to be able to bring someone into that relationship or create a new one, right? So this is like the purpose of how we've been changing everything and set the standard for that exact reason, because we're like you know why? Why find purpose? I mean, purpose is the big why thing. Why get fit and disciplined, like, why all those things?

Speaker 1:

So I was messaging person A in here and she was telling me about her last relationship and she said essentially, she said like, from her perspective, she felt like he was saying that she wasn't feminine and wasn't emotional enough. Now, from my perspective as a man, I'm guilty of this as well. Like I'm guilty of this because I want that for my partner and I'll say this and I'll claim this and I'm like, hey, I'd really want you to be more feminine, I want you to be more emotional, I want you to open up. Then obviously there is, you know, desires in a woman which is like, well, I need this so that you can. And again and again and again, right, so, and what's come to fruition recently is, I find such a big problem is and it shouldn't be a problem, but it is a problem is, women are progressing so much in their careers. A lot of them are absolutely crushing it financially and a bunch of different other ways, and then it puts this like sort of stress on the relationship where she doesn't want the material thing, she doesn't want the lifestyle, she doesn't want the money, she doesn't want the materialistic stuff because she can get that herself right. So what she wants is a man who can provide emotionally, who can do the little things that can stimulate her in a way, which is like I feel so good about myself and us and the direction that we're heading and like it's just showing, like you know in here, like how important that is and we think as men we're like, oh, if we just get the job and we do really well.

Speaker 1:

So this need for approval thing that we have and I'm so guilty of this, I've been doing this so much I only figured this out recently, it's been blowing my brain, but it's like the more approval that we can get from doing well in business, creating an awesome body, like being able to be like a quote, unquote conscious man and be able to achieve all these external things and provide and pay for dinner and all of this. It's like if we do that, then we deserve her love. But if we can't buy dinner and she might have to buy it because she's making more money than us, or if you know, I'm not at a level in business. I'm not a millionaire yet, right? If I don't have six pack abs, then I'm not good enough and she won't love me. And I just want to remind men who are listening to this that's wrong. It's so incredibly wrong.

Speaker 1:

Speaking from example, because I've just gone through a breakup myself, I have this house and it's so close to the beach. I've been renting like 40 steps to the beach, the most beautiful location in Queensland and Burley to the beach. I've been renting like 40 steps to the beach, the most beautiful location in Queensland and Burley, and it's this three story, gigantic four bedroom, three bathroom, like a beautiful place, butler's pantry, spare offices, like everything. It's incredible and it's like for the whole year. It's like, well, I wasn't truly happy, right, I wasn't truly happy and I and the relationship ended from her perspective. And it was, and it ended because the feelings and the fulfillment and the emotional stimulation that she wanted in the relationship wasn't there and I was like, oh well, we're paying for this lifestyle and it does nothing in order for the relationship. So what a beautiful reminder.

Speaker 1:

I never thought I would see that day, but I did and it was such a good wake up call. So I asked her some questions. I was like okay, so you know what is this, what is this actual thing here? And she was like the biggest thing is that I would speak and then he wouldn't listen, or he would listen and never act. So I just gave up speaking and I was like man, this is such a an awesome point to make because, as men, we always feel that we're doing right, we always feel that we're doing. And this could just be something so simple as just we just haven't had a conversation or we don't have conversation S plural around our love needs and our love languages, right? That could be one of the things. And if it is that simple, like I hope, I hope that it is. But for me, I was just going to be thinking and I was like I think that, as men, all we do is feel like we're doing and doing and giving, and giving and giving.

Speaker 1:

And then when she says, oh, you never listen to me or you don't hear me, right, that happens so regularly in so many relationships we go what? What do you mean? I did this thing for you yesterday. I did this thing for you, whatever, it is okay. Can you please give me some specific examples? And it was things like little notes, coffee in the morning, asking how my day was and not speaking about your day lighting like a candle at nighttime, kissing me when I wake up, kissing me in the morning, and small little gestures and organized dates. Right, that's it Fun, adventurous, organized. That got me thinking. I was like, surely it's not that simple. And then it also got me thinking well, and obviously I think it is. And then the second part is how come men forget? How come we forget and I've already mentioned it, why Is this gigantic need for approval, which I think, reading out of the book I don't have it on me, I am John by Robert Blyer, is that men didn't get the exact love that they need from their mothers and he talks about this and when they didn't get the approval that they need from their mothers or their dads in the love that they need, it makes it extremely difficult for them to show up in a relationship, because they're always seeking for something external, of being like pat me on the head, tell me I'm good enough, tell me I'm good enough, validate me, approve of me for what I'm doing, which creates this neediness energy.

Speaker 1:

That neediness energy then turns into nice guy energy, right, and the thing is, with no more Mr Nice Guy stuff and I talk about that term broadly, not specifically because, uh, like from the book Robert Glover because nice guys aren't actually nice guys, they're manipulative, they're controlling, but they try to create this persona and come across as they're such nice guys and what I think like what men need in that situation, because it takes like two people in a part of a relationship, and I find that there's so much talk around what, uh like what, what women want, and rightly so, right, rightly so, and I agree, as men, like we spend so much time trying to figure out what men want, what women want, what women want, and I find, like the thing is is, in order for a man to give a woman what she wants, he has to know what he needs and give that to himself first, because if he doesn't, then he's never going to be able to show up for her in a way where she needs and what she desires and what she wants in the actual relationship, right? So how do men do that? That's the first question. Well, if you are in a relationship where you find yourself, like speaking to the women right now, in a relationship like that then I would approve of him. Man Like I would spend that time. It may seem disgusting and motherly like, but he's probably craving it on a way that has never, ever allowed him to be seen in such a powerful way before. So you'd approve him by saying, like thank you for doing this. I have so much appreciation for this. Thank you for providing, thank you for trying, thank you for trying, thank you for putting in effort, thank you for noticing me, thanks for making me feel sexy, thanks for thank you for providing, thank you for preparing, thank you for being yourself. I just want to let you know that I actually think you're amazing. Thank you so much. And just overwhelming amounts of gratitude.

Speaker 1:

Not just one day, like multiple days and days and days and days and days on end. And then he will start to wake up and go holy shit, he'll first, he'll love it and it'd be like this is the best thing ever, and then he'll go well, I don't need this anymore, because I'm starting to fill my own cup up and how can I give this back to you? And that'll be able to open up a conversation where there's no triggers or fighting or arguing, and I think that's the best way and as a guy, I'm thinking in my head like, okay, how can I give back to her, how can I do this? How can I provide for her in a way that's really powerful? So back onto the men how they heal themselves and need themselves. It is and this sounds so simple, it's getting around other high-quality men. Either you pay for it, join a community and pay for it. You can join Set the Standard and that's not a pitch at Set the Standard. This is legitimate. This is get your own coach. Get your own coach or create an experience with other men that's powerful enough where you can open up and have these conversations and come to the conclusion that you have to have these conversations. If you're not having conversations on your own need for approval and how you're showing up in the relationship, as challenging and difficult and as gross as it feels, then you're not growing. And this is how you help get over your need for approval.

Speaker 1:

I only found mine. I only understood that mine comes from my dad, because my mom approved a lot for me as a child. However, as a child, my perception my perception, because it wasn't was that her approval was false, right. It was my perception that every time she approved me. She was saying it to get approval of herself. It was my perception, right, it could be completely false. And then dad wasn't around when I was a kid. He was just working really hard. So I was trying really hard to do everything to get an approval from him that I thought I needed.

Speaker 1:

Now I came to that conclusion because I'd be going in a breakup process with my partner at the time and I went to a event myself. It was like a three-day event and on the last day I started noticing myself like wanting approval from the facilitator and I started noting my noticing myself like wanting the other strong masculine men to go yeah, corey, good job, welcome us. Blah, blah, blah. And like give us a cuddle. And I wanted them to lead. And I was like, well, how come I'm just not'm just not leading here? Why can't I be the one that acknowledges them? Why can't I be the one that comes in and leads in this situation? How come I need approval all the time? Then it clicked and it hit me Also doing an ecstatic dance. Right, we're going through static dance.

Speaker 1:

It was crazy, you know, there's a hundred people there, halfies everywhere, right, but is uh, the the space is extremely clean. It's not like an area where people are actually looking like directly at people, like having um, a perv or anything. You're in your own experience, like going through what you need to go through and move through, and what I noticed during that time was needing approval from the facilitator. This is a guy who has a real strong masculine presence. I was like, oh, this comes everywhere in my life and I realized that in all my interactions with my partner, in all my interactions with my friends, I have this notice where I'm like, oh, I need to say this, I need to say something.

Speaker 1:

It's like this thing bubbles up in my chest and I'm like, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I'll wait to just say this thing that I need to say. That's burning, desiring on my heart and on my chest and it's just for them to either laugh at me, to get like a laugh with me, to think that my story is good, or for them to know that I've learned something that's really powerful, which is just a need for approval. It's not right, and I noticed that I do this in conversation with my partner all the time, even when it's clean the kitchen, when I'm talking about myself or I'm talking about her. I'm always trying to flip it around to me to get this need for approval. Oh, how heavy is that? Right, it's so nice guy. So what men need in this situation is to be able to understand how they're doing this in practical ways, like when you say this, when you like this, when you are in a conversation like this, when you're around family and friends here, when you get carried away and you get big energy and you're having a lot of fun, right, which is kind of sucks for us. But in order to integrate, we have to be aware of this. We can catch out, catch ourselves out, and what we do in this situation is we just shut up. We only need to talk about it and we need to shut up.

Speaker 1:

There's also a transformational process in my set, the standard community and click the links below. If you're a male and you want to understand what this is, you can come, you can join. You can run through a process. It's called the purpose process. It'll help you. We've integrated everything with ai so you don't have to do like any journaling. It's like you just answer questions back into ai and that'll help figure this out in your brain.

Speaker 1:

I had had a guy message me yesterday. He's like Corey, I'm in the first module, I'm halfway through it and I'm just bawling in tears. I find so much depth and meaning in this and I'm just learning so much about myself. It's insane. I'm like man you're only first way through. So I just want to highlight to you that you guys can get through this if you think that there's no way to get around it. Or you can start reading some philosophy like philosophy to really not understand and know yourself, like this book thus spoke Zarathustra by Nietzsche is a great start for getting in. So that's what I think. So come to conclusion of their the whole video here.

Speaker 1:

I think what women want is just purely presence. Right, they want presence so that they can allow their nervous systems to feel relaxed and experience positive emotions. They want you to lead and go through and make them feel, feel emotions in a way that they can um, you know, feel emotions. It's literally it, and your job as a man this is a tip for you to talk about this is speak to the energy. Right, it's what I say. A lot of guys like oh, can you give me some tips for communication, cause it's one of the pillars that we focus on set standard and the tip is speak to the energy.

Speaker 1:

So it's like hey, I'm feeling a lot of tension right now in this relationship and it's coming from you, like I can tell your body's a bit closed off. This thing's happening Like talk to me, what are you frustrated at? You know what I mean. Or even, um, even when she may be reactive at you or extremely frustrated and could be full projecting at you, raising a voice, all of that stuff. Feeling that situation is like okay, this is the energy in the relationship. The energy is really big and chaotic right now. I just want to say the energy here is super chaotic. I'm not sure what your needs are. We're going to need to take a second and let's talk about it, right? So that's how you want to approach it Talk about the energy and then let her speak. Don't try to fix the problem. No more, mr, fix-it, right. The second that we can do that. It's like okay, now we're creating an energy and a space where she feels free to be able to communicate. We just listen, shut up, with no approval energy, no approval energy whatsoever. And then I think that's a real way to create a healthy relationship Now demonstrating this as well, once you've gotten across the fear of approaching or speaking to women which, by the way, is so much easier than what we think has been I think it's so hard and big and crazy, whether it's on social media or whether it's in person, right, once you get over that fear and you start communicating, when you can speak to the energy at the start of a relationship like that, you're already creating a container of safety.

Speaker 1:

Energy at the start of a relationship like that, you're already creating a container of safety that's going to make her feel comfortable to open up in front of you, which is going to you're going to get to the conclusion of should we keep on dating and talking to each other or should we just leave it here and be friends so much sooner, which isn't a waste, right, because men who have approval energy will still try to want to sleep with them. They'll still try to, you know, see if something can work, even if it's really not a good fit. And you don't want that as a guy, when you want a high quality relationship, right, and you want to provide and you want to do all the things. The second point is why, like, what men need, right, is they need to approve of themselves. And, as a woman, if you're listening to this and you understand that your men's in this situation, the question that I ask you to sit in and think about is how can you help your man or the guy that you're talking to approve of himself? And you may want to look for a man who doesn't have you know, uh, who doesn't have the need to, like, have approval all the time, like that could be a shortcut.

Speaker 1:

However, the likelihood of finding a man who doesn't have that is going to be extremely small. It's a very small tank of men, like a percentage of men in the population, who don't have that need, especially my perception. I coach men all the time and the need for approval is everywhere and I think it's just Western culture. But if you open up the conversation and talk to it with him and allow him the space to be able to speak and talk about that and remove it and take the pressure off of him right, because that pressure to provide, it's like I'm not enough unless I provide financially. I'm not enough unless I provide, um, emotional intelligence. I'm not enough unless I have a real fit body in this thing.

Speaker 1:

It's like I'm trying to do this shit externally as a guy, to prove to you that I'm worthy of your love, and it's like please acknowledge me, acknowledge me for that, like that's what we need. So, firstly, acknowledge the man for it. They need it so much. You don't understand, if you acknowledge a man like that for the approval that he needs to probably just break down, crying Like I'm not kidding, it's probably some words that he's needed to be seen or heard for for the longest period of time and he's so thirsty and he's so hungry for it, and then he can finally start working on it.

Speaker 1:

Or it's just yeah, open up the conversation and talk about the need for approval and highlight it. And don't be afraid, women, please speak up, you can, you can talk, you can tell a man straight to his face hey, I find you're really attractive. But there's like an approval energy from you that I feel and I think that if you work through that, I'm going to be so much more attracted to you. Like just saying that to a man if you're thinking, oh, I can't say that as a guy, if I receive that, I'm going to go fuck yeah, I'm going to work on that, right, fuck, yeah, I'm going to work on that and I'm going to be searching for communities like mine or coaches so that I can work through it Right Cause it's what Chris Bumstead did, is what Chris Williamson did, was Chris Williamson did. All these studs are getting coaches and working through through this stuff so that they can show up as like the ultimate man. So hope you guys got a lot out of this podcast. Big love.

Speaker 1:

If you did, please like, subscribe, follow and just reminder we run retreats around Australia. We've got a bunch 2025, 2026. You can find me on Instagram at Corey Bountwell and you can look at our next level retreat. So you can look at my set the standard community. Come in and join. I have a masterclass that's free for you to come to every single Thursday or like this Thursday. Please sign up and register it. Put your bum on the seat there, actually rock up and let's see if you're a good fit. Let's see if you like what I've got to offer and if you do, you can jump on. If not, then at least we get a good chance to hang out. Big love, see you guys soon.