Set The Standard

How To Get Over A Break Up #257

• Corey Boutwell

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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another Corey Bowers podcast, guys, and today I'm going to be talking to you about nine tools to overcome a breakup for men that I have learned recently, which I hope is going to bring you so much clarity. I hope that it's going to make you feel so much more at ease and feel a bunch of relief, because this is what I've learned after I've had four really five really large breakups, and through each of those breakups, it is a whole process to be able to purge and and and get over them so that you can get back into crushing business, so that you can get back into finding love again, because I feel like the most time that you want love is the, you know, in the breakup process where you're like, oh I, I want something, but I don't need something. I want something, I don't need something. And you're in this phase of I'm real excited and screw them and I'm going to let this thing go, blah, blah, blah, but also, oh my God, I love them, I miss them and I need them back, and you're going through this mindset of just catching yourself back and forth and back and forth and anxious, depressed, excited, anxious, depressed, excited, and it's just like it's a. It's an emotional rollercoaster and I found out recently through some books that I have been reading, that the most damaging thing, most stressful thing that a human brain can experience, is the death of a loved one. And then the second and the third is just losing a marital or a significant person in one's life. Like that causes the most amount of stress in the brain, because that ends up inflicting so many emotions, right, your brain then sends to your body to send emotions because it's trying to, can't really believe what's happening and you're going through grief.

Speaker 1:

Grief has you know all the different stages of grief starts with denial, then gets anger and then I can't remember the other two. But I also know, like, through the grieving process, because you're, you are losing someone and a part of your life, you're also grieving yourself. You're grieving who you were in that relationship. You're also grieving future timelines that you have with that person together, and then it can be quite overwhelming because then you have to attach new timelines to people. Right, you have to attach new timelines. I'm like, oh, I'm going to do this thing and I've got to be by myself and oh, I'm going to be alone now and I've got to do this thing and I've got to be by myself and oh, I'm going to be alone now and I've got this different feeling comes up and I feel really sorry for men and women in this position, but I find out most of the time that men stay in relationships at a sense of duty and they get too afraid to break their partner's heart, so eventually she will end up leaving them.

Speaker 1:

And that's nice guy tendencies, right. And that's when they they come to say, hey, look, we need to have a chat, or they're just really sad all the time and you're like what's wrong? Why are you so sad? And they're like you know, I can't do this anymore. And you get that, that sinking feeling into your heart, like no.

Speaker 1:

Then you start beating yourself up because you're like well, immediately you think, oh, I should have done all these things differently. Immediately, I should have done this better, I should have done that better, I should have done this better, I should have done that better, I should have done this, oh my goodness. And then you have to take responsibility for it. And what I found is really important as a man is understanding right, this is so critically important. It is understanding that you'll go through a process right when, when you have to allow the relationship dynamic to end in a way with it.

Speaker 1:

If you don't think it's right, if she doesn't think it's right, if she doesn't think it's right, if you're the person who breaks a relationship or she breaks up with you, regardless of what happens, if you're the one who put yourself in the position where she is breaking up with you, you're taking responsibility for everything, right, and then you're in the situation where she goes. I want to leave you right, because and being the person that's getting broken up with is so much harder than being the person who has to do the breaking up with Because if you break up with someone, you have this overwhelming sense of guilt that you have to feel and, regardless of the breakup process, you can play victim and be the victim mindset. For the guy that's like oh well, she broke up with me for blah, blah, blah and it's easier to hate her, right? It's so much easier to hate her. It's easy to not support her, it's easier to not be around her, it's easier to not feel the emotions that are there to be felt, right, because you're the one that isn't doing the disconnection.

Speaker 1:

So, if you're in this process, in the breakup process. Right now. I invite you into doing the disconnection and that's done from here. You don't have to speak to them or do anything and you can and you may, but you have to consciously choose. I do not want that relationship. I do not want that relationship with that person any longer. It's done, I'm done with it and I don't want it. I'm choosing that for me and feel the unbearable weight of guilt that comes with that, rather than being in a victim mindset. Because if you're in a victim mindset during this breakup, you'll be in a victim mindset during the next breakup and the next breakup and the next breakup right, which isn't healthy and that will bleed out into other areas of your life.

Speaker 1:

In business, in your friend relationships, you're always putting yourself in a victim. So how can you take the most amount of responsibility in the situation? And this is consciously choosing. I'm ending it and then welcome on the guilt and process that guilt. That's why we don't like as a man, we don't want to be in that position where we cheat in our partners, we micro cheating on our partners or anything that, for us, is going to make us feel shame or regret. Go out and drinking when you know that it's going to make her feel lonely and sad, when you haven't prepped her for it, like whatever it is that crosses boundaries in the relationship. That are big boundaries, not just little ones that you're unaware of, because that's going to inflict shame and guilt on you and then you have to go and process it, because if you don't go and process that shame and guilt it's always going to affect you. These are the nine tools that are going to help you overcome that.

Speaker 1:

Let's get straight into it. First tool is self-nurture practice, which is journaling down self-validation for yourself daily and speaking it to yourself One of my tasks for today, because I've written down all my affirmations, I've written down self-nurturing cares. I'm going to create a video of myself speaking to myself with the affirmations, giving myself just permission to be myself and feel and validating myself for the effort that I put in and who I am as a person and you know what I've been able to create in my life. And I'm going to watch it four times a day, like four times a day, and it's like I'm really going to allow myself to nurture me, because in a relationship, nice guys, a lot of men need validation right, a validation and approval addicts, which is why we get into the position where you might be the one that's getting broken up with, or you've come across as needy in the relationship, or you're needy in the breakup process, like why is that? Let that go right.

Speaker 1:

And the way that we can let that go is, you know, validating ourselves. Because what happens is our nervous system will get pulled towards them and it feels like we're out of control, just for them to say, no, it's okay, or I want you back, or whatever it is. And then men will get back with their partners and then go shit, I should have done this. And then they've got to break up with them again, or their partner will break up with them once they've just broken up with them, and then they just realize to themselves, like fuck, I'm in this position again. How so? It's like it's because you're a validation addict, right? That's total nice guy, people pleaser syndrome. Yes, man stuff, right?

Speaker 1:

So the way we get over that is screw love, love, seeking love externally. We're going to seek it internally, from ourselves first, right? First, because the reason that we're seeking it outside of ourselves, in a woman or someone else in general, is because we don't feel it inside ourselves. So we have to really feel and nurture our cups and know that it's a skill, it's not a trait, it's not this learned behavior. It's like you have to practice it, like gratitude, like a skill, like writing, like tennis. You know what I mean, like you got to practice that. And this is the emotional men's work skill that men often forget. So that's number one. Number two is it's like starting to remove your sex addiction.

Speaker 1:

A lot of people, a lot of men in particular, the very first time that they ever experienced true love when they, if they were manipulated from their mom to get it, which used to manipulate them, or they gave it to in a hard way or they were overbearing. Obviously, some people got amazing love from their mum to get it where she's to manipulate them, or they gave it to in a hard way or they were overbearing. Obviously something we've got amazing love from their parents, but from them speak from the mum if they didn't get to the love that they most required from their mum, that which was Authentic and it was soft and nurturing and caring, and they didn't get that really healthy way and she was also treated his dad like that, because she can treat her son with all the love in the world, but then never be like your father, don't be like him, and she can be cold, rude and hard towards him. If he's in the same room and witnesses that, then he's getting trauma installed into him. It's like secondhand trauma, passive smoking. Passive trauma is getting put in. So, regardless if he's in the room, if his mom says anything about his dad to him or treats his dad in a certain way when they're in the same room, is not meeting him with love, immediately he goes oh, love's supposed to be hard, it's conditional, and she only loves me because I'm her son. She doesn't really love the masculine, so how can a woman love me, right? So what happens is if he sees that the very first time that he has sex, he goes a woman's opening an entire body where her, her legs, her body, her energy, her spirit, her heart you know, her mind, her hair, like everything, opens up to a man and they just melt into this experience and they go oh, this is what love feels. Like that wasn't love. Like they even go because mom didn't give it to dad, right? So, or she didn't give it to me. So this is my first true sense of melting into love and, wow, I want it forever. I want it for me always. Right, and that creates sex addiction, which means the only form of intimacy and love that they get, they feel through sex. They always need to get sex from their partners, right.

Speaker 1:

So these are some questions to journal on. If this is you and you get stuck into this position and the first thing to journal on is what was I avoiding feeling right? So in your relationship, you know what was the emotion that I was trying to avoid feeling Right, so in your relationship, you know what was the emotion that I was trying to avoid feeling most of the time is disconnection, it's loneliness, it's some form of longing right, that they have, like something like this, that they're trying to avoid feeling or guilt in the relationship, and Because they avoid feeling that things don't work out in the way they liked. The next one is what was the story that I was Telling myself in this? So what was the story of telling yourself about the relationship? It could be something along the lines of like the only time that she loved me is when I got sex. Right. So what was the story that I was telling myself? You want to journal these down and just write them. They'll start coming to your head, right? You think like oh, I don't want to know the answers, just write them down.

Speaker 1:

Three start training in the gym harder than you've ever trained before, Like it is your time to get in the best shape as possible. Because towards the end of breakups usually you kind of go through this squeezing pressure period where everything sort of like condenses and everything feels stressed, your nervous system gets overwhelmed and it's really hard for you to focus on something right. So what you want to go through in this is like okay, most of the time it's like you get out of shape a little bit, your mind gets distracted, your nervous system starts. So when you become out of the breakup you start to have more room, but your nervous system hasn't caught up. So if you train and build yourself a bigger, stronger, more solid body, you get into better shape. You start having more positive emotions. For you it's like immediately, like the ease and the relief of the breakup gets a little bit easier because you're not getting down on yourself in a way which is self-harming or self-punishing oh, you're such a piece of shit, you did this thing wrong, blah, blah, blah. You're the worst guy ever. Instead it's like look, you're still strong, you still got what it takes. Look at you. Even through in all the depths of all these emotional feelings, you're still showing up right, which is elite.

Speaker 1:

Number four is get vulnerable with the people around you. Everyone thinks that being hard as stuff is tough. Being hard the hardest strongman is the way of like being a boss. The hardest thing you can ever do is be soft. The hardest thing you could ever do is open up your emotions and open up your heart, especially to those closest around you. I'm feeling sore, I'm feeling regret, I'm feeling embarrassment, I'm feeling guilt, I'm feeling shame, I'm feeling a little bit broken. I'm feeling lost right now and just admitting that those things that come up and then talking about the mistakes that you actually made with reverence, like, yeah, I was manipulating at the end of the relationship, I was being a control freak. I was being a nice guy, I let it work. Walk all over me. I walked all over her way too much. I went through a phone when I wasn't supposed to. Like. I've been stalking and looking at her instagram every single day, like, whatever it is for you that you feel shame and embarrassment, now tell the people close to you who can trust you and hold you, because you'll tell them and they go. Hey, man, I've been there before, right, I understand that you go. Oh, it's like forgiveness that you've been holding on to because you don't want to be seen in that way and it's like you have that opportunity to get vulnerable. Everything goes.

Speaker 1:

This is one thing that we focus on in my men's group set the standard community. When men are going through breakups or business, and we talk about this, you know emotional vulnerability in a place that's safe, because a lot of guys like I'm not telling my fucking friends this, I'm not telling my family this, no way, I will shut this off and go to hell and take this to my fucking grave. There's no one way, shape and form that I'm telling this to anyone. They'll hold on to it and it'll manifest as cancer, overweight, business failing, uh, next relationship failing, next relationship failing. Getting angry at your kids like reactive scrolling on your phone for hours, right, just because they haven't let whatever it is off their chest. So that's why we create a safe space and set the standard so men can not only get hold to a higher standard but also let the shit go, because there's not many places you can go to go and do this so you can do it with like therapists.

Speaker 1:

But sometimes I find it like kind of intimidating a little bit too much, having like like just one therapist there and I kind of just want to feel like I'm around the lads and not like in some professional setting of someone like dissecting my psyche, um. But sometimes I really want that number five breath. So it's a breath practice you can do when you notice this thing, this coming up like any of the feelings or emotions, is not breathing into your chest because you can go like this, you can hear that, right, it goes straight into my chest. Two breaths in into the belly and up into the chest. Right, that's not the breath you want to do. We want to breathe into our belly and then into our belly again and expand it and feel our belly go out and down into like our spine and into our legs. It's like how much can we bring our breath and keep it low and just keep it into our belly and feel it expand like a balloon and just pay attention into that and then let it breathe out? This is putting pressure down into your like lower chakras and it's like summoning strength as a man. So instead of coming in and breathing up into your chest like a Wim Hof type of breath, we want to breathe down and it's a grounding type of breath and the more that you do that and the more you practice it, the better it gets. Anytime I get super anxious or I'm in a panic mode because I'm currently going through a breakup and I notice that my brain's doing like, whatever it is, I'll focus on this breath, especially when it comes to sexual energy. It just calms me down straight away. I'm like oh, this feels so much better. I can channel this moving forward.

Speaker 1:

Number six no contact rule. Do not contact your partner. So like one thing that's really challenging for me going through the text threads, deleting stuff, seeing photos, deleting everything. You see notifications here, there, whatever it is. Get rid of them. If an email pops up, remove that. So they're just outside of your psyche because your brain has to.

Speaker 1:

It's sort of like you know, if you get cut on your arm and you're picking it all the time and you're just reopening the wound, it's never going to heal. You know someone says leave it alone. Whack a band-aid on it, leave it alone, it'll heal and start to, to mend. It's the same thing when it comes to your heart and it comes to your mind, because essentially you've just got been delivered a psychological trauma like bang straight to the straight to the mind, full-on psychological trauma. It's like you know, is that going to take time to heal? Yes, like is it going to be super frustrating and you're going to get impatient? Yes, yes, it is. You have to let that go. Just give yourself the time and the space, no contact whatsoever. Allow it to heal and who knows if you guys both heal during that time really well and resentments are gone and everything happens when it comes back and you guys might get back into a relationship. The wounds have healed over. Yes, there's some scar tissue, but it's a lot harder to open them up again, which I believe is one of the most important things in relationships. In relationships, what happened in like my last one was we were just reopening wounds all the time, just talking about them, and we weren't repairing them. Then we weren't nurturing and giving kindness to ourselves and each other to really allow our wounds to heal over. So it's like no contact rules, a perfect way of doing that. It's just like less contact.

Speaker 1:

Number seven do not get a rebound. Do not go and get a rebound and start having, like, getting into a relationship with someone, having sexual relationships, like by all means you have as many friends as you like. Being around as a man, being around sacred feminine energy, or being a woman being around sacred masculine energy, is so healthy for you, um, but having a rebound is one of the things. That's like you have this wound and then, because there's all this other trauma and emotions and things happening, right, it's like you're kind of weaving that in into the wound and it's like now you don't know what the wound is. Right, it's like something else, somewhere else and it's just mixing with all the energies and it's just can be really messy. Number eight travel. So when you go and experience new situations or settings, you start creating new connections in your brain. Right, you're creating these new connections in your brain. Your brain has this like sense of awe and inspiration and that can be so healing for your heart and your mind progressing and moving forward.

Speaker 1:

And then last one, number nine, and this is from Ovid, an author who's like an old school with the old school philosophers, and I think it's real beautiful. I read his book on breakups and it's like you know, hundreds and hundreds of years old. I think it's absolutely fantastic. I think thousands of years old, um write down how your ex did not meet your needs, as guilty as it may make you feel, because sometimes you know we can blame, we can blame, we can blame but you're not really focusing on how they didn't meet your needs. Just like, yeah, they did this and this and this.

Speaker 1:

It's like what were my needs and which ones did not get met in the relationship and allow, like, allow yourself to, to, to feel for yourself in regards to that situation that like, hey, I didn't get these met. And in the next relationship, like these are some things that I'm not settling for, but because you were in the relationship, you weren't aware of them at the time. But now that you're past the relationship, now you're aware of these and now you've just set new standards for yourself, which I think is beautiful, but also notice, as you're writing them down, how guilty it makes you feel, because I did and I had to and I was like man. Writing this about someone else is makes me feel so guilty. And now there's these things. I'm like, okay, cool, there's these new standards in relationship that I'm not going to settle for, like there's no way that I need this in my relationship and I never would have gotten to this if I hadn't had that. So then it gives you the sense of gratitude I swear, guilt and gratitude have this coerced relationship that when you allow yourself to feel it and you notice it and you set this standard, you're like wow. I'm actually really thankful for this experience.

Speaker 1:

So if you like this episode, guys, please share it with a friend, share it to someone, make some comments below I episode guys, please share it with a friend, share it to someone, make some comments below. I'd love to reply. So any comments go down. I'll reply to any of these comments and if you want to see more of me, then head to coreyboutwellcom on instagram and if you want to work deeper on this, come and join us and set the standard which is at coreyboutwellcom, and there you'll find everything. Big love, guys. See you in the next one.