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Set The Standard
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Set The Standard
7 Emergency Break-Up Tools For Those Going Through It #259
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If you’re new to my page my name’s Corey Boutwell.
I’m the founder and CEO of men’s personal development company Set The Standard.
I’m a professional bodybuilder, I have coached over 300 men to their full potential and created a multi six figure business in just 3 years.
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Welcome to another episode of the podcast. Today we're getting straight into seven tools to transform the pain of a breakup into your greatest strength. And if you're a nice guy, you ever suffer from nice guy syndrome. Listen up, because this is what's going to get you completely over that and through this process to the point where you can either get your ex back or in the perfect position to find someone new. So my name is Corey Batwell and for the last five years I've been helping people find their purpose and personal growth, specifically men, and I've traveled Australia running retreats and became a bodybuilding professional and I've had my heart ripped out and completely squashed. So what I'm going to do in this video is teach you guys how I got through it. There's seven tools to learn, and you can either skip through this first part.
Speaker 1:What I'm going to do in this video is teach you guys how I got through it. There's seven tools to to learn, and you can either skip through this first part, because I'm going to give you a bit of an introduction in terms of like the story and the why things happen and the dynamics of all of it, and then there's a free community where there's a template for each tool that you can use on the inside, and you just got to click one of the links you know below to go and join that. You can get the template to use it straight away. So, essentially, I've coached some of Australia's best young entrepreneurs, interviewed some of the world's leading experts on relationships, fitness and business, and what I've come to realize is that the thing that debilitates men the most in business with their health everything else is their relationship, especially during a breakup. It debilitates men and can completely floor them, and we pretend like it doesn't, but it does, especially for us nice guys. Because, yes, there are toxic guys out there who can just get over a woman immediately, or they're really centered and really healthy in themselves, like they're really embodied. It's either toxic or embodied. Embodied either, or. And then there's some of us who just can't seem to get a break right. So, even though we're charming studs who any woman would be lucky to have us for some, because we do the work, we treat people right, we show up and then it just doesn't work out and we go, oh my goodness. Again, I just want to remind you guys, every relationship is getting you ready for the next one, it is sharpening your teeth. It is making you stronger, to get you ready for what that is.
Speaker 1:And I've just gone through an intense breakup myself. The process was a lot of grief because there was a lot of love in the relationship like so love. So the process of moving through I've had to reflect like a beast and that's how I come up with those seven tools. So, but essentially from a young age I've been rejected from women since I was about 12. And I've been the one broken up with because I did not have the strength to do it first.
Speaker 1:I stayed in the relationships out of a sense of duty. So I've been the guy that was cheated on in my early twenties by the same partner. She cheated on me and slept with 10 plus other men and I kept going back. That's how anxiously attached I was. I was in that position where I just kept going back because I was like I'm never going to be able to get better, there's never going to be another woman that's going to satisfy me, and I was addicted to the sex. I didn't think I'd be able to get sex from anyone else. Little did I know I was wrong, but at the time it felt like that and I've been the guy who's pleaded with her and her parents to get her back.
Speaker 1:I have been into the pits of sorrow because I've gotten the girl of my dreams multiple times and lost them, you know, mainly because I feel that the relationship energetics weren't working and I feel like as a man, I should have called it first right, but I didn't, I let it go and then that felt like for me, what was me? I'm getting, I'm getting broken up with again, which is repeating the pattern. And then I can feel sorry for myself and get empathy and attention of like oh, that person broke up with me, they must be bad or whatever it is, instead of just taking responsibility and be like look, the relationship doesn't work, go figure it out. You know what I mean? I made it all about me. I needed support from all the therapists, the coach, the friends, the books, the audio books just to process what it's like going through a breakup.
Speaker 1:And for me it was like, oh, I never could have asked for help previously and I'm so happy that I worked on myself, because the breakups have been a catalyst for me to read the books, do the work, do the programs, get the coaching and then also create a life that I really like, like with my coaching business, with my podcast, the body that I'm in and who I am emotionally and how free that I feel all the time through doing this work and not stuffing the emotions under the rug, but actually feeling them and process them has just been insane, right, it's just been so beneficial for my life. But so this time it's really awesome to see that, like during the process of the breakup, it's like, oh, I nailed this and it feels really good, even though it's not to say that it hasn't been hard, like it's literally or the hardest things I've ever had to go through in terms of the feelings of guilt, the feelings of miss, the feelings of love, the feelings of grief have just been absolutely gut-wrenching. But when you become more emotionally intelligent and you have a purpose and you know that because you're committed to your purpose, it gives you the willpower and the resilience to keep going through shit, even when you want to lay in bed all day, when you want to be in a fetal position where you don't want to do anything, where you want to burn your business to the ground, right. So all of that comes up and you can completely shift it when you understand these tools that I'm going to teach you in a minute. So they've always been the worst and the best thing that I've ever experienced, like breakups and due to an upbringing of unhealthy attachments, of anxious from the feminine and avoidant from the masculine.
Speaker 1:In regards to my parents, it cultivates this nice guy syndrome and like a mild sex addiction that comes up for me in terms of I seek intimacy through sex and I don't feel loved unless I get sex. Because the first time as men that we really feel approval and validation, like the ultimate expression of that, is sex, and if we, it can be very similar to taking drugs, drinking alcohol, smoking, weed or gambling. It's oh, I've got this approval and attention through here. So that's why men get so addicted to dating apps and they get so addicted to scrolling on social media and meeting the next one. Meeting the next one, going on all these dates and not committing to anyone or getting into a serious relationship is because it's like, well, I'm not gonna get the validation and attention that I need from someone else. So this is you. You welcome, right, welcome. So it's really cool, but you can process and get through it. These seven tools can help you, or you can come and see us.
Speaker 1:For some like professional coaching, right, but for me, I was at the stage where every dating app crushed it. Pointless X did that, you know, leverage my social media presence for feminine approval. I live that message and spoken to every woman under the sun, got attention, and then I I bailed. I wore that shit like a coat on a cold day. So I've been there too and, essentially, even though my heart has shattered on a glass, on concrete it shattered like that during multiple different breakups and even though my self-worth completely crumbles, and even though I've been in a position where I look for my ex's face in every single other woman and I've been in that position um, I've learned how to feel through it, remain consistent and become stronger, and that's what I want to teach you guys. I've been able to give myself the space and have a hard stop like, let's just cut everything. Come back stronger than ever before, with more focus, discipline and charisma, and that is why I love coaching men like I love coaching men through this stuff, because it's so deep, it's extremely potent and it's one of those moments where you watch people just absolutely explode in growth because they have this energy to summon to put into something else that they haven't had for a while.
Speaker 1:So if there's one goal for you to crush, post a breakup, pick one of these One get into the best shape of your life. Like into the best shape of your life. Right, I know, it's a little bit toxic, but if you the goal that a lot of us people have would to be like make your ex regret it, right In the toxic stages and then the other stage you want to get to after that process happens, because I'm like well, if it's fuel, use it. But after that process happens, it's getting into unconditional love and just be like look, I love this person in all of their faults and all of their flaws, and even how hurt I was and everything else. Like that, I still just love them and I can still be proud of them and support them in all of their decisions, even though some of it may hurt, especially if I see them with someone else or whatever it is.
Speaker 1:So get to the best shape of life, absolutely essential to find true fulfillment, purpose and self-control. It's so much easy to have self-control when you have purpose and fulfillment and if you've got to a stage in your business where you're like oh, this is chill, I've gotten to this stage. Most of the time your purpose is lacking, unless you have this drive where you're like oh, my goodness, I can't wait to do this. Or you're taking like a year to enjoy the fruits of your labor, like you've got work to do and a purpose to live and fulfill. Three is blow up your personal brand and your business. Like, make it huge. If you have a business and you haven't got a personal brand, blow up your personal brand. If you've got a personal brand and you haven't blown up your business yet, start blowing up your business. And if you haven't got either, or it's time to get locked in. Business is a modern day's hero's journey. So, whatever business that you decide to do, that is going to help you just have a quality of life that you're going to be so grateful for.
Speaker 1:And number four get into a new relationship. Depending on how old you are or where you're at, there is and I read this out of the book how to Get Over a Breakup by Ovid. He's an old school stoic and he just said you got to get back into the game. But you want to do it consciously, because if you're not completely healed and you get into another relationship and you settle with someone that you're not 100% attracted to or they're not a good match for you. You're just going to feel guilty and regret and then you're going to be that flaky guy who goes like oh my God, and ruin your reputation. So when you date people, I believe that it's okay to flake if you're texting, messaging, dming, whatever it is, because you're just trying to get to know each other and it's whatever right. But when you're actually seeing someone, you don't want to be that flaky person and you want to have the conversations with them as well. Talk about long-term relationship if you're interested in. If you're not and as a man I believe it's your responsibility to have that conversation. Hey, I'm not feeling this like I don't think I want to progress this forward anymore, like I really like you and a part of me wants to stay around you. But I'd be kidding myself if I say I want to develop this any further. And if she ends it and then you don't get any more feminine approval from her, so be it, you're gonna have to deal with that, right.
Speaker 1:So get into a healthy relationship and get yourself ready, because sometimes you have to get into a better shape. You have to focus on your business more. You have to become more emotionally intelligent and improve your self-worth to make that happen. For me, one of my biggest motivations has always been a relationship. So whenever I'm like cool, I really want a relationship. My motivation, my discipline and everything just skyrockets. So, especially when I'm attached to my purpose too. So my default is mainly one or two. So I go to the best shape of my life and then I'll get into find true purpose to. So I go to the best shape of my life and then I'll get into find true purpose, meaning and fulfillment, and I love just like focusing on that and self-reflecting, because that's what helps you get there. And if you want accountability and support to transform the pain of a breakup into your greatest strength, I can help you get there fast. You can either join the free community or send me a message Uh, the links will be below. Just send me a message on Instagram and I can help you from there.
Speaker 1:So it's time to say goodbye to Mr Nice Guy. Kill him and become someone new. So here are the seven tools, right? I hope you guys enjoyed that. By the way, tool number one is write a goodbye letter and make it emotional as hell. So go on there and say goodbye and pour your heart out and then, once you've poured your heart out, go over it again and then make sure that it looks crispy. Number two complete a value assessment. So this is an assessment where you how much value you brought to the relationship and how much value they brought to the relationship and how much value they brought to the relationship you go through and have a look at how it weighs up and if you know that you weren't bringing as much value, cool, you've got work to do, because if you want a high value partner and you want a high value relationship, you're going to get into work, make things happen and move forward.
Speaker 1:A lot of us men turn a blind eye to the bad, remember, out of that whole sense of duty, we just go. Oh, we'll just, you know, let that slide. I'll not talk about that Cause we don't want to feel the discomfort of having a difficult conversation. So it's hard for us to really follow through with our boundaries and that means sometimes potentially having a breakup, even though you want to get back with them. It's like I need to end this because, like this boundary keeps getting crossed off mine, and this is essentially where you look at how the relationship was not a good fit for you and it makes you feel so much like oh, you can take a deep breath and your anxious attachment decreases, which is really important. There's a chat gpt prompt for that in one of the tools. You can just copy and paste that and it'll do the whole assessment for you, which is really cool. Tool number three ask your friends how they saw the relationship. Hey guys, what was your opinion? Give me the honest rundown of what you saw in the relationship that was good and that was bad which also helps you understand what's happening. And there's links to the specific questions in the free community below.
Speaker 1:Number four create a document of your dream partner Journal. Write it down and include all the things you would like, not to like about them. People do manifest your dream partner and they'll go. I want this, I want this, I want this. And they create this completely unrealistic super expectations which is almost impossible to find in a partner. It's super delusional. I like being delusional but at the same a partner it's super delusional. I like being delusional, but at the same time, it's just. It's just not going to happen. So what we want to do is flip the script a little bit. And what would you like to not like about your partner? Put in all of their weakness, all of their ugliness, and it's like what would you like to have in a relationship to work through with someone? How could that be? How could you guys turn all that negativity into positivity together, positivity together. So there's a whole template for that as well in a video training I have in the community link below.
Speaker 1:Number five is revisit your purpose. So most men wrap up their identity in their partner and they lose a sense of themselves because they've got the family, they've got the partner, they've got business ideas or whatever it is. So they tend to lose themselves in that relationship because they make that relationship and her or him himself it's like oh, this whole thing is who makes up me, and then, when the relationship ends, you lose a part of yourself which is really painful and essentially, to get reconnected to yourself, you're going to find yourself again and you can find yourself by understanding your purpose. Your purpose is just your mission, right? You want to get really clear on what your mission is and that acts as a filter for your identity, for who you want to show up in the world. We've got a prompt for that too.
Speaker 1:Number six journal on where your need for sex and intimacy is, and look at it. So a lot of guys are like, oh, I don't have that need for sex or don't have a massive need for intimacy, and it doesn't show up in a sexual way. And I can tell you every single guy that I've worked with like nine out of 10 have been like there's a mild sex addiction there, because our need for approval comes up through sex. So you want to journal and write down where your need for sex and intimacy was going and you can see, because sometimes it's completely leaning out and it goes into other areas where it could be porn or it could be gambling, or it could be drugs, or it could be business or something else. But you can see where the energy is going or it's going in and you're becoming really needy and you need more sex than you ever thought before. Or the going out. It's like you're looking at other people. You have this, you know, massive desire. You find yourself scrolling a little bit more and you're like, oh my God, I see everything as a sex object. That can happen too. Trust me, I've been there, so integrating all of it takes a hot minute, but there's some general prompts that you can use with the link in below.
Speaker 1:And then number seven, which is the most important, is set yourself a guiding rule to be held accountable for. That makes you focus on you first. So an example would be I'm not going to go on a date with someone until I've reached 8% body fat. It could be I will not ejaculate until I make a million dollars Something like that right, where you put a guiding rule in for yourself that you pick a date, a start date and a finish date to stick towards, and you stick to that, you completely finish it and you achieve your goal, and that helps you create a lot more self-belief. It installs your willpower and makes you become more resilient, and that becomes your guiding light to stick to for a while, and then, a year after, you create another one.
Speaker 1:And yes, it can be a little bit self-sacrificing, like you know. No dates or no ejaculation until you've hit a certain goal, whatever it is that is so critically important for you to understand. And there's also a link here that helps you go deeper on this. We've got a bunch of prompts that you can use. Click the link below and you can join the community and get the free training in there, which is really cool. So I hope you guys can use those tools to benefit your life and understand yourself better, and I hope the story really works for you. And, if it did, please like, share and subscribe to the channel, and thank you so much for being here. See you in the next one.