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Set The Standard
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Set The Standard
Stop Being Walked Over & Implement These Boundaries #267
Ever felt like people don’t respect you?
Like you’re saying the right things but nobody listens?
This video is the missing link the implementation piece. If you’ve ever struggled to speak up, get your needs met, or hold the frame in business, dating, or leadership… it’s probably because your boundaries are weak or unspoken.
This is how to fix that step by step.
In this one, I break down:
• The 3 stages of boundaries (unknown, fighting for them, and maintaining them)
• How to actually enforce boundaries with consequences that get respect
• Why your nice guy habits are repelling power, women, and leadership
• How to use non-verbal cues to protect your energy without needing to overexplain
• A simple model to reprogram your nervous system so you stop freezing or people-pleasing when boundaries get crossed
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📍 Timestamps:
00:00 – Why they’re not listening to you (it’s not what you think)
03:59 – Stage 1: Unknown boundaries (most men are here)
05:21 – How to communicate boundaries with confidence
06:57 – What to do when people push back
07:48 – The 4-step enforcement model (acknowledge, communicate, enforce, exit)
09:01 – Why magnetic men have clear poles (polarisation model)
11:05 – Reprogramming boundaries: childhood, triggers, & rewiring
13:46 – How to test boundaries without ruining the relationship
14:43 – The Boundary Audit Tool you can download
15:35 – Final words: Boundaries = Magnetism
16:03 – Quiz & challenge invite
⸻
👥 Join our FREE community here:
https://www.skool.com/setthestandard/about
🎯 Apply for the 7-Day Magnetism Challenge or take the quiz here:
https://8eltyrvzums.typeform.com/to/n777WygR
⸻
If you’ve been leaking energy, overexplaining yourself, or letting people cross the line…
This is your sign to lock in your boundaries and take back your frame.
👥 Join our FREE community here:
https://www.skool.com/setthestandard/about
🎯 Apply for the 7-Day Magnetism Challenge or take the quiz here:
https://8eltyrvzums.typeform.com/to/n777WygR
Big love,
Corey
Apply here https://www.coreyboutwell.net/speaksoon
Join Our Community: https://www.skool.com/setthestandard/about
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If your partner, business partners or team are not listening to you, it's not that they're listening is the problem. It's because that you haven't implemented strong boundaries. So my name is Corey Boutwell, I'm the founder of Set the Standard and here are a couple of different videos for part one and part two of this boundary series, and in this video I'm going to be breaking down the implementation of boundaries. So if you've watched these videos beforehand, if you haven't, please go back and watch them. But essentially, what I'll be teaching in here is how you can start enforcing and using boundaries, which is really cool. So, essentially, if you're noticing that you're trying to force confidence, or really trying to force to get people to do what you want them to do, and it's not really working and it feels like you're pretending, and then you struggle to be able to get vulnerable or open up in general to people who you care about or that you manage, the only reason that that happens is because you haven't set up a foundation of boundaries yet. And essentially, yeah, today I'm going to teach you guys how to implement them. So the reason that we do want to set boundaries anyway is well, for my story, I didn't even know what a boundary was. I did a course on boundaries two, two and a half, three years ago and as I was doing that course, I was like, how come I have no idea what a boundary even is? It took till week four to even sink in my brain of understanding what it is in conversation. What made me understand it was just analyzing my relationship with my parents and being like, oh, you guys have really low boundaries. So I've had low boundaries, and then there's this expectation thing that happens in the world which prevents me from which has prevented me previously from getting what I want. So I don't want you guys to have that, I want you guys to get what you want. So let's get excited, let's get pumped. This is how we're going to implement some damn boundaries so that the quality of our life can improve, we can be more fulfilled and we can be more authentic versions of ourselves. Because we're more authentic, then we stop. It feels like forcing everything and we start attracting things back into our life. So this is it.
Speaker 1:So, essentially, the main reasons that we don't have boundaries is a lack of self-esteem, so believing that one's value is contingent upon pleasing others, meaning the only way that I feel valuable as a human is when someone feels good about something, which means you feel is when you make someone feel good about something and the opposite happens. So if you feel like you've let someone down, or that you've made someone feel bad or something like that, your self-esteem goes straight down to the ground. A fear of rejection, worrying that setting boundaries will lead to isolation or abandonment. Oh, if I set this boundary, they're going to leave me right. Number three they lack role models. So growing up without seeing effective boundaries modeled where.
Speaker 1:I don't know what your childhood was like, but commonly people's childhoods sort of like this they're like parents don't really have the conversations, just shut up when someone's triggered or they avoid, and then when they do have a conversation, it can be real quick, sharp, or one person's parent would always try to fix and the other person's parent would always try to let's not have this conversation and then occasionally you might see one good one. However, when we're children at some point, if it's not essentially what our parents are doing, it is our perception of what they're doing. So you can have an alcoholic parent and then, because of that, you what they're doing, so you can have an alcoholic parent and then, because of that you never drink alcohol again, or you can have an alcoholic parent and then become an alcoholic yourself. So it's all our perception on parents relationships and we have to understand what that was like when we were younger to go. What was my perception? And for that, watch part one, because that helps unpack it, the boundary series, and then, once you understand that, it makes it so much easier for you to go. Oh, now let's set some boundaries cultural or familial expectations. So, coming from backgrounds where boundaries were not respected or discussed, so this is sometimes not just a mom and dad thing, this can be a family thing too.
Speaker 1:And there are three stages of boundaries right. So when we think about actually putting in boundaries and who would like to be able to put in boundaries confidently, we have to understand that there are three stages. In part two I went into this a little bit, but in this one I'm going into this a lot deeper. So stage one is unknown boundaries right. Stage one is you don't know what the boundaries are. We have no idea. So most people struggle with boundaries because they assume others should automatically know where their limits are and the definition of boundaries, which is something along the lines of where both parties or more understand where there's a line that's not allowed to be crossed. Right, they understand where the line is. That's literally the definition of a boundary. It's pretty close to the dictionary A boundary is simply a drawing line and communicating that line Clearly.
Speaker 1:The first step in understanding boundaries is writing down a genuine list of personal boundaries. Many people confuse boundaries with desires. I want my partner to be more affectionate to me. I don't want to tolerate emotional manipulation. A true boundary is a clearly discussed line that you do not want to be crossed, rather than just a preference. So does that make sense? So this understanding that when it comes to boundaries, you're going to write them down. So I challenge you right now wouldn't you like to know your boundaries? If so, pause this video or pause this audio and just even if it's writing down one or two or three, just to get your head thinking, what are those actual boundaries? Bang, write them down.
Speaker 1:Stage two for boundaries is fighting for your boundaries and enforcing them. So once boundaries are set, they must be communicated and they must be enforced. So example there is a man is going through a breakup where he wants to be in a relationship with the person that he broke up with and he doesn't want to have physical intimacy unless they are in a relationship. So he sets a boundary I only want to be physically intimate with you if we're in a committed relationship, or vice versa, woman to a man, right. So this setting of a boundary prevents manipulation and ensures his actions align with his values, and his values is I'm only getting physically intimate if I'm in a relationship. So just being able to say that and communicate it clearly, this is what I'm doing and this is the only way that I'm going to do. It is now the boundary is real, right. And if it's enforced, right. Because if the boundary becomes less real, the less it is enforced right. So this requires conviction and also consequences, and the consequences don't have to be anything really bad. It's not telling someone off unless it's a firm boundary, because sometimes they're firm boundaries that need to be put in. But just in general, for generalized boundaries, what's the conviction that I have here and what are some of the consequences if someone keeps crossing them? So stage three maintaining your boundaries. This is general maintenance of boundaries. So the final stage is reinforcing your boundaries when tested over time, because eventually you could enforce a boundary and someone will go yep, I'll adhere to that.
Speaker 1:Six months goes by and then they start weaving and you guys change and become different people and all the things, and then the boundary gets a bit loose. So an example example if a employer continuously invades personal supplies, first, communicate I feel uncomfortable when you stand too close to me at work. Please ask permission before looking over my shoulder. Please ask permission before putting a hand on my shoulder. You know, if ignored repeatedly three to five times, that's when you put in a conflict a consequence, where you either resign or escalate the issue, right? This person just keeps getting in my space and I've already told them five times and they haven't done anything about it, right? So if no consequence exists, the boundary is meaningless. So we want to make sure that there is some meaning towards it. So that's what it looks like in the three different stages.
Speaker 1:And now this is the boundary enforcement model. We talked about this in video two, but I want to reinforce this again before we start actually mapping out some boundaries, which comes next, which is actually really beautiful, and then you guys will have all the tools in the world to be able to implement some boundaries. Let's go. I hope you guys are excited. So the boundary enforcement model goes acknowledge, communicate, enforce and then exit model goes acknowledge, communicate, enforce and then exit.
Speaker 1:So, essentially, when you understand that you're triggered or a boundary of yours that has been crossed, the first thing to do is identify that boundary and acknowledge it. Oh, this was my trigger. Is it emotional, physical, mental or spiritual? Right, that's the one that you want to have. This is an emotional boundary, all right, what do I need here? I might need to communicate emotionally so you clearly articulate your boundary using words and body language. If it's physical space or you notice that someone's talking about something that you don't want to be engaged in, you can start moving your body language away a little bit Like this is a boundary of mine. I'm going to turn my body to let out of it. Communication and sorry, enforcement. So apply consequences. These aren't punishments, right? Remember just that. Consequences aren't punishments Most of the time. It's just like. Your consequence will just be like if you keep doing this, I'm usually going to distance myself, I'm not going to engage in this conversation. It's like an enforcement to verbalize that.
Speaker 1:And then stage four which is exiting, which, if someone completely disregards your boundaries, when you get to the stage three of maintenance, or you actually have to put in enforcement for your boundaries. That is, start distancing yourself. You have to get out of whatever's going on, so that you have to get out of whatever's going on so that there is respect for you and your boundaries, and then also understand that you may have to, instead of distancing or exiting yourself. The other option is negotiation, so it's like you're actually having a serious conversation where it's like hey, one of my boundaries has been repeatedly crossed. I'd love to have a conversation with you about X, y, z. And then you have to have that conversation, even though it's uncomfortable and even though, if you want to be magnetic and get what you want in your life, you have to have a solid pole. If you think about compass, you've got the North and the South pole and then that determines the magnetism. So you have to have your own North and South poles in regards to your values and your foundations, and when you have them and you can implement those boundaries, then that's how you become more magnetic, because you become more confident, you become more unfuckwithable as a person, undeniable, and that's how masculinity can really let itself come through in someone who's just clear on their boundaries and they're certain of their beliefs and they stick to them, which is extremely important.
Speaker 1:So, essentially, there are verbal and nonverbal communication styles. So, when it comes to enforcing and resolving, there's direct and confident statements hey, I don't engage in gossip or hey, this is not a conversation I don't want to be a part of. And then nonverbal cues, which is maintaining strong posture, you know, breaking eye contact when disengaging from a conversation. I don't want to talk about this conversation. You know what I mean. And if someone doesn't get your body language or your cues, it's just likely that that person hasn't understood boundaries before. No one's given them an education and they don't get it.
Speaker 1:Because what you'll find is that most people who cross boundaries don't know that they're crossing boundaries right, they just don't know it. And this is speaking from someone who I've been. I've played both roles. I've been that person before and I've been like oh, that was a boundary across from someone. I'm so sorry, but there's a difference between people who are willing to be open and understand and those who aren't as much too. So it's just to understand that there are verbal and non-verbal cues. Which ones are you going to use and which ones are you going to look at other people and, specifically, if you know that someone else has no idea and they keep crossing your boundaries, then it's really important for you to put that line up there. So that makes sense to you guys. Do you feel like you've got the tools now to use and understand? All right, cool, I can force a boundary. I know that there's verbal and non-verbal cues. I know there's three different stages of unknown fighting for your boundaries and then maintaining your boundaries.
Speaker 1:Now we're going to go through the boundary reprogramming model. So this one for here is to actually go through and do take action on this. So if you're listening to this, really visualize it. If you actually want to write this down, I encourage you to write this down. It's extremely important. So the boundary reprogramming model goes from this basically break free from childhood conditioning by following these steps, guys.
Speaker 1:Number one is audit your boundary habits. Two is find the root cause. Three rewrite the reaction. Number four set and communicate boundaries proactively. And then five test and adjust. So this is one of the things is like having elite level boundaries does give you the confidence, it gives you the magnetism, but it does come with some form of discomfort, especially if you're a people pleaser and a nice guy, because you have to have difficult conversations that you've never wanted, wanted. And if you're in business and you're starting to build out teams and manage people, these are the skills here, which is what makes businesses absolutely take off and fly or completely sink. So let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Boundary reprogramming model. So already auditing your boundary habit. So just make a list of past situations where your boundaries were crossed crossed but you didn't respond. So basically write a list of your situations where your boundaries were crossed but you didn't respond. So basically write a list of your triggers and see if you can identify the boundary. Number two find the root cause. Connect each childhood behavior to a childhood experience. This makes you understand why. Because you might be going. Why am I like that? I keep getting triggered at these boundaries, but I don't understand why. And it was like every time, as a kid know, my parents would just walk into my room every time I told them not to, and you go oh, that was a boundary that got crossed. This is really good, identifying this, because then you won't pass it on right. We're trying to remove and eliminate generational trauma. This is how it's done, guys.
Speaker 1:Number three rewrite the reaction, mentally, rehearse how you would enforce a boundary in a similar situation today. So just kind of think of like common scenarios that happen and then you implementing the boundary and then winning. Right, the important part is visualizing that you win and get to put through the boundary and someone says, oh my god, I'm so sorry, I didn't understand that or they go. Thank you for letting me know, I had no idea you felt that way, which is elite, because you can with boundaries and communicating them, you can actually. It increases your chance for intimacy. It increases your ability and opportunity to have genuine intimacy for another human, and I believe one of the reasons that we are alive in general is to experience as much intimacy as possible. Right, how beautiful is that, especially when you have? I feel like people when they have have children. It cracks them open because they're forced into intimacy and they're like whoa, look at these emotions that I'm feeling and it's like, of course that's going to happen and you can have intimacy with everyone. Right, it's a beautiful part of being a human being.
Speaker 1:So, number four set and communicate boundaries proactively. So, instead of waiting for someone to cross a line, state your limits early. I prefer to be asked before someone enters my space. You know what I mean. Hey, I just like it when you do this. It really pleases me when you take action like this. It really helps me out as a person when you do this for me. That way, it can also be framed in a way as if someone adhering to your boundaries is a gift to you, which I think is beautiful.
Speaker 1:The number five is test and adjust. So observe how people respond and refine your approach accordingly. So just notice how people are responding, because there are going to be moments where you try to implement a boundary and the other person's going to get reactive and it's not going to work. But that's up for you to get good at learning and understanding how to communicate that with someone else so that you can come to a resolution and then experience deeper bonds and connection with someone. So that's essentially it.
Speaker 1:If you guys want a tool for this, this is I'm going to run you through a tool which is really handy. To look at it. What's your relationship type? So I've got family, work, you know relationships, friendships, and then you want to understand in a column if it's mental, emotional, body and spiritual. So in one column you'll write down someone's name. Write down the type of relationship that it is and then the type of boundary that it is. So it's emotional family member could be my mom and it's emotional boundary, right. The next one is their name. So you write down their name.
Speaker 1:And then what did they do that actually crossed the boundary? Write that down, how it made you feel overwhelmed, stressed, disrespected, whatever it is you need instead. So what's the actual need that you need Is they call? I needed to call limits once a week. I needed to set an expectation. You know, I needed to enforce a boundary early. And then what was the root cause? And if you'd like access to that link, then just click the links below or send me a message on Instagram and I'll send that to you straight away so that you can actually use that model. So your boundaries defined your self-respect. If you don't enforce them, others won't respect them either.
Speaker 1:By using this tool, you'll gain a clarity on what matters most to you and learn to stand firm in protecting your energy, your space and emotions, so that you can become extremely magnetic, so that when you're out in public, when you're introducing yourself, you're about to go on a date or you're about to pitch a big idea in business or about to make a sale, or you're connecting with someone who inspires you, who you think is important. It just comes to you and that comes because you have good boundaries. It changes your vibration, it changes your frequency. You become more attractive and more magnetic because you come across so much more solid. So if you guys want to learn and work on this a little bit more deeply, then please contact me. Come and join. Set the Standard. We're working on this every single week in a men's group coaching program. But if not, please share and subscribe the video and we'll see you guys in the next one. Thank you,